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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or is my exh regarding dd and dp?

29 replies

splashymcsplash · 06/03/2012 20:15

I have been separated from my exh for some time now, and we have one daughter (18 months) together.

She is a happy little girl, but her father has only recently started seeing her on a regular basis. I fully support this, and am pleased that they have started to develop a relationship.

Last time he visited he looked at the texts on my phone, and from that discovered that my dp does occasionally see my dd when he visits. He is now really angry at me, and has told me that I am confusing dd and 'harming her development' and wants me to promise that dp will not see dd any more. I have told him that it is none of his business. I believe that he is simply using this as a way of controlling me.

I knew dp for more than 5 years before we were in a relationship, so I know that he is a decent person to have around dd. He is really good with her and she enjoys seeing him (runs up to him and cuddles him when she sees him). As he has been a friend, he had seen dd a lot before we were in a relationship.

I always have dd's best interests at heart and would not do anything if I thought it would harm her at all. Just to be clear, this is the only relationship I have started since separating from exh, and do not plan on bringing different men into dd's life.

So who is in the right here? Should I not let dd see dp? I am prepared to be told IABU.

OP posts:

pjmama · 06/03/2012 20:19

It's absolutely none of his business.

Flisspaps · 06/03/2012 20:20

YANBU. It's just a way for him to try and control you and your DD. What business is it of his as to what is on your phone anyway?

As you say, it isn't as if you plan to bring lots of different men into your DD's life, and you've known DP for a long time.

Your EXP is probably jealous of the fact that he's missed out seeing your DD and is only just developing a relationship with her but that this other man is (in his eyes) muscling in on his territory.

FeedZombieEatSmartie · 06/03/2012 20:20

Why would he go through your texts? That's ridiculous.

I personally don't think you're BU, have you been together long? Is your ExH in a new relationship?

CrockoDuck · 06/03/2012 20:21

None of his business whatsoever.

NomNomNom · 06/03/2012 20:21

Statistically, the more different partners mothers have, the earlier their daughter's start puberty...

However, your DP is your business. Whether it not it how often he sees your DD is up to you and no one else.

It's understandable your ex feels uncomfortable/upset at another bloke fulfilling the 'daddy' role, but that's no reason to be controlling. What the hell was he doing looking at your phone anyway?! Your ex has no say in this, and don't let him tell you otherwise.

How nice for you that you've found someone you trust who is obviously interested in your DD's life (if she was mentioned in texts etc.).

faeriemoo · 06/03/2012 20:22

To me, it wouldn't matter how long you have known him pre-relationship, but how long you have been in this relationship with him.

My ex introduced my kids to his latest girlfriend after five days. He reckons it was ok, because he knew her briefly 15-20 years previously!

ChitChatFlyingby · 06/03/2012 20:22

YANBU!!! You are absolutely right that he is using this as a way of controlling you. If he were only interested in your DD's emotional well being he would have made sure he saw her as much as he could have from the very beginning.

NomNomNom · 06/03/2012 20:23

Sorry for typos. No idea what I was trying to say in 2nd paragraph.

BarbarianMum · 06/03/2012 20:23

He looked at the texts on your phone!!??!!

Yes, he is controlling. No, UANBU. Keep him well clear of your phone/computer/private papers in future.

troisgarcons · 06/03/2012 20:23

Statistically, the more different partners mothers have, the earlier their daughter's start puberty...

Have you got a bone fide link to that?

takingiteasy · 06/03/2012 20:24

I don't think it's none of his business but you ANBU and there's no way you should stop DD seeing DP. ExH is probably feeling insecure. You say they he's just started seeing DD regularly? What was the delay? He's probably realisng what he's missed and feeling hurt that someone else has been around.

I think to move on you need to sit down and make plans for the future, including your DP.

abbierhodes · 06/03/2012 20:25

If he's only just started seeing his 18 month daughter regularly, then I'd consider him a bit of a twat whose opinion counted for nothing.

But why was he going through your texts? You need to set some boundaries.

takingiteasy · 06/03/2012 20:26

I agree it's out of order he's been going through your texts. Was he quite controlling when you were with him?

PurplePidjin · 06/03/2012 20:30

Your partner sees your daughter occasionally, and that might harm her development?

I first met DP's family when his nephew was just 2. We see them every few weeks overnight due to distance. Am I also "harmful to his development"?

Original poster

splashymcsplash · 06/03/2012 20:31

He got a chance to look through my texts as I had left my phone on charge in the bedroom and he was bedding dd in there. I was just in the next room and didn't realise he would do that.

I have been in a relationship for around a month, but he saw dd on a regular basis before we were in a relationship, so from dd's point of view I don't think anything has changed.

takingiteasy Exh only recently starting seeing dd regularly as it took him a long time to get over his anger with me and separate how he feels about dd to how he feels about me. It sounds ridiculous I know.

Feedzombie Exh is not in a relationship now as far as I know.

OP posts:

DoMeDon · 06/03/2012 20:39

I believe that a child should only be introduced to a new partner once it is long term serious (by that I mean marriage type commitment serious) You have slightly differnet circumstances as DD already knew him as a friend. From what you have said you sound as if you have considered the effect on your child and are a concerned, caring parent. ExP sounds selfish and emotionally stunted. I would trust your gut.

troisgarcons · 06/03/2012 20:41

Statistically, the more different partners mothers have, the earlier their daughter's start puberty...

Have you got a bone fide link to that?

faeriemoo · 06/03/2012 21:03

If you have only been in the relationship a month, then imo it's too soon to be involving him in your family life with your DD.
However, your ex is a twat.

Jenny70 · 06/03/2012 21:09

I think you and ex need to set some boundaries about relationships with others... if it was the other way around, you wouldn't want him parading a string of girlfriends to your daughter.

He can't dictate who you see and when, but some boundaries must be decided. And snooping on phone is WELL out of order.

DodieSmith · 06/03/2012 21:16

How would number of partners affect a child's puberty?

mayorquimby · 06/03/2012 21:33

I'd say it's none of his business.just as I'd say the same about you if and when he gets a new partner

Beamur · 06/03/2012 21:36

He cannot dictate this to you. It is not his concern, unless he genuinely thought DD was at risk - but that's not the case here, he is simply kicking off.

V bad to check your phone too.
Have you got an informal arrangement about contact?

Rainydayagain · 06/03/2012 21:41

If your a single mun im not sure how you could not let your dd be involved with him....
How do you decide to marry someone before they meet your children....i would need to see how they all reacted to one another.

Tell him to sod off, keep out of your private affairs,your phone is private. He has no control over you anymore. If he wants to be invited in again he needs to respect that.
Get him in line now.

solidgoldbrass · 06/03/2012 21:41

It does no harm at all for people to introduce new partners to their children unless these new partners are harmful people. FFS an 18-month-old has no concept of adult relationships and doesn't need to have it explained to her in any detail.

Tell your XP that your sex life is none of his business and that if he snoops again he will be banned from your house and have to make arrangements to see DD elsewhere. Remember you do not have to allow an XP into your house for contact with DC, him entering your house is conditional on his good behaviour.

notmyproblem · 06/03/2012 21:42

Statistically, the more different partners mothers have, the earlier their daughter's start puberty...

Correlation doesn't imply causation.

In any case, link please.

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