or is my exh regarding dd and dp?

[splashymcsplash]

I have been separated from my exh for some time now, and we have one daughter (18 months) together.

She is a happy little girl, but her father has only recently started seeing her on a regular basis. I fully support this, and am pleased that they have started to develop a relationship.

Last time he visited he looked at the texts on my phone, and from that discovered that my dp does occasionally see my dd when he visits. He is now really angry at me, and has told me that I am confusing dd and 'harming her development' and wants me to promise that dp will not see dd any more. I have told him that it is none of his business. I believe that he is simply using this as a way of controlling me.

I knew dp for more than 5 years before we were in a relationship, so I know that he is a decent person to have around dd. He is really good with her and she enjoys seeing him (runs up to him and cuddles him when she sees him). As he has been a friend, he had seen dd a lot before we were in a relationship.

I always have dd's best interests at heart and would not do anything if I thought it would harm her at all. Just to be clear, this is the only relationship I have started since separating from exh, and do not plan on bringing different men into dd's life.

So who is in the right here? Should I not let dd see dp? I am prepared to be told IABU.

Statistically, the more different partners mothers have, the earlier their daughter's start puberty...

What sort of ridiculous statistics are those???

Erm - puberty is genetic - not environmental

I believe the quote about puberty/maternal partners correlation is a misinterpretation of this interesting research: www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-scientific-fundamentalist/200811/the-50-0-50-rule-in-action-age-puberty-and-what-parental-d

It's biologically interesting in terms of the proportions of environmental and genetic influence on development, but isn't a guide to individual cases (another misunderstanding in the 'correlation doesn't imply causation' quote, because of course correlation does imply causation or a common cause to an extent, but the actual principle is that one can go from the specific to the general in epidemiological research but not from the general to the specific- i.e. an effect seen on a population can be predicted by effects on individuals, but not vice versa). Note that the research says nothing about number of partners, merely the age of parental separation, too. The number of maternal partners thing is 1. slut shaming pure and simple and 2. quite probably a correlation with other factors e.g. if a mother had early puberty herself she may well have had a child younger and have more partners over her lifetime, and also pass on a genetic propensity to early puberty in female offspring. Fascinating, isn't it?

Wait, we're not here to discuss scientific methodology? OP I think your ex is a psycho, though I do feel like you should sometimes wait for a relationship to be 'serious enough' to introduce kids- in this case it's a friend so will probably still see your daughter if you break up, so it's not like she has another adult-loss issue to deal with I'd assume. Generally I think about 6 months is reasonable to wait and see whether something is serious enough or you know someone well enough to trust them around your children, but it depends on circumstances and all sorts of factors.

Well, here are 2 articles:

public.wsu.edu/~rquinlan/Quinlan%20E&HB%2024(6).pdf

www.springerlink.com/content/kyvf6mbul773enf9/

and 1 abstract:
psycnet.apa.org/index.cfm?fa=buy.optionToBuy&id=2006-07128-012

I should point out that I'm not a fan of slut-shaming and that is not what I was trying to do by mentioning the statistics. Just because something happens in general it doesn't mean we have to understand in in a prescriptive way.

Menarche is not just genetic, it is also environmental, as far as I understand it - there's some theory that how much fish one eats also plays a role, but I don't know any details.

I'm quite that people seem to think I disapprove of the OP, because I most certainly do not.

OP, I hope the rest of my previous post shows you what my opinion is. Your ex doesn't sound like a great person, so if your DP makes you happy, that is certainly better for your DD than staying with the ex.