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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

in deleting this 'friend' from fb and real life....

29 replies

ThatVikRinA22 · 06/03/2012 16:04

i met a woman in training for the police who didnt last in the job as she was diagnosed with having specific learning disabilities (the same ones that my DS has) and it became apparent she couldnt manage, and ended up leaving after a number of unfortunate incidents in which she was involved....)

she was the butt of a lot of class jokes which used to really upset me, and i had helped her throughout the training period and befriended her, so i stayed in touch via facebook ever since.

she is easily led and has gone and got her self a boyfriend, who is a raving racist and has links to the BNP and other right wing groups.

slowly ive noticed more and more worrying things being linked by her on facebook, so today i commented that i cannot, and do not want to be associated with anyone who has extremist views, she tried to defend the shite she was linking and so i told her i would have to delete her and then did so.

She has text me trying to defend this stuff.
i have been perfectly honest and explained why i cannot be associated with this stuff (apart from the fact it sickens me it is obviously frowned upon professionally!)

she had just told me last week that she was wanting to apply for the police again (which i told her i thought was a bad idea apart from the fact its doubtful she would get in after the palava last time - she left under a bit of a black cloud shall we say....)

would it now be unreasonable to call time on this "friendship" and leave her to it with the raving loon BF....

i think, because i have a son with similar difficulties, i have always felt a little responsible?? or maybe a little sorry for her, and her lack of social skills meant she had very few friends....i have tried to point out that most of the stuff she is linking on fb is made up propaganda for the BNP but she isnt having it....she thinks this guy is intelligent and well read, taken time to read the Quran etc etc....what im saying is falling on deaf ears.

is it now unreasonable to run for the hills and leave her to it? i feel mean but im not going to change her mind about this stuff....

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 06/03/2012 16:07

Of course YANBU

Unlike family, we actually get to choose our friends.

PBandJSandwiches · 06/03/2012 16:09

Yanbu

Original poster

ThatVikRinA22 · 06/03/2012 16:10

i just felt mean, but feeling a bit motherly toward someone isnt a reason to stay in touch when they are being a prize tit is it....

OP posts:

Annpan88 · 06/03/2012 16:11

YANBU

LindyHemming · 06/03/2012 16:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

usualsuspect · 06/03/2012 16:15

I deleted a friend off fb for having racist veiws , yanbu, although I can understand you feeling a bit mean about it.

could you just hide her posts instead?

GinPalace · 06/03/2012 16:15

You need more than pity to hold a friendship together. :)

Despite being under your wing she has wandered down a dubious road you cannot share so your influence isn't even helping her. As relationships go it is hard to see how anyone is benefitting really.

Hassled · 06/03/2012 16:16

If you took away all the BNP shit, would you enjoy her company? Would you ever actively seek her company out? Does she make you laugh, support you when you need it etc - i.e. do all the stuff you'd want in a friend? If not, and if your only qualms about walking away are to do with her difficulties and the parallels with your DS, then I think you have enough on your plate, especially given the racist stuff. You can't carry everyone.

BrianCoxHasScaryHair · 06/03/2012 16:16

YANBU.

Is sad as she is obviously being led down a path and if she has learning disabilities, how much is her own free-will?

But what can you do to stop it? How do you know these aren't her views?

Really hard situation, especially as you have insight into her disability.

Purely from a professional stance you have done the right thing.

Would airing your concerns to her family be any use? Although, if she got as far as Police training, I would assume she is independent and coherant and capable of controlling her life and may take offence to you going behind her back. Especially if she is in love, nobody likes to be told their OH is a bad 'un.

I think as it stands, you're going to have to walk away - you can't risk your career over a friendship.

slight aside, how did your driving course go? Was it as hellish as you imagined?

SecretNutellaFix · 06/03/2012 16:27

yanbu. plus it could harm your own career to be linked to that sort of stuff.

Lulumama · 06/03/2012 16:29

YANBU

there comes a point where your own future needs to come first, you cannot afford to have any sort of association with her if it could harm your career

just pray the relationship does not last

Original poster

ThatVikRinA22 · 06/03/2012 16:32

the driving i still cant talk about without it sounding like im making crap excuses....but i didnt even take my test. long story. not all of it my fault...

OP posts:

fuzzpig · 06/03/2012 16:34

YANBU. It is sad because it probably isn't her fault that she is getting involved in all this, if she is vulnerable to being led. But you cannot risk your career. Sad for her though, and the fact you are even posting this as a dilemma shows what a caring person you are.

susiedaisy · 06/03/2012 16:36

I Agree with Worral YANBU

BrianCoxHasScaryHair · 06/03/2012 16:36

Friendships should be based on common interests, attraction (mentality), sense of humour, hobbies - not pity (which you have done, but in the nicest possible way and it's understandable why). Hassled put it very well.

As for the driving, meh :( Hope you are ok and I am sure the reasons are valid and not excuses at all :)

Original poster

ThatVikRinA22 · 06/03/2012 16:52

thanks brian re the driving - i get another go.

ive not replied to the text as she is just trying to justify what she is saying. she put a fricking link to a vid depicting bestiality ffs....thats bad enough without the racist attachment to it.....and one of those tedious letters that are supposed to show that pensioners get less than asylum seekers or some such shit.

being a twat is not restricted to NT people is it.....ive decided to call time on this relationship with this woman. Its not my problem, and i explained my reasons fully, she chose to defend it.

i do feel some of it is due to her disability, but there is nothing i can do anymore.

OP posts:

Original poster

ThatVikRinA22 · 06/03/2012 17:38

i think fb brings out the worst in people actually thinking about it - ive a friend overseas who lost the use of his legs in an accident, and still never misses a single opportunity to be smug about the fact he is overseas while im still here in blighty - smug little comments on photos of us walking at the coast, smug little statements on my recent heating break down....

i might just give FB up as a bad job. it riles me.

OP posts:

rhondajean · 06/03/2012 17:43

Vicar YANBU - I am surprised you have fb though - it may just be a local thing but when you join our police force you arent allowed fb etc, my friend applied and got to through and had to shut her bebo etc at the time (she didnt get right in due to other things)

You really dont need this person in your life though, problems or not, and online or not.

BigGirlInASmallWorld · 06/03/2012 19:30

I know it isn't the same but today I've just told an online chatteroff for his sickening racist and disablist views. I received a vile email back. I will never speak to him again online.

YANBU

Do you think she is aware of what she is getting into?

Original poster

ThatVikRinA22 · 06/03/2012 20:19

no idea, but its not my problem.

we are allowed facebook but its monitored by our professional standards.

OP posts:

FeedZombieEatSmartie · 06/03/2012 20:25

YANBU, why be friends with someone who's views are in such contrast to your own?

Had she shown signs of being extremist before? Or is this solely down to the current BF? If it's falling on deaf ears, there isn't alot you can do.

Mrsjay · 06/03/2012 20:29

Of course YANBU you befriended her because you liked her and also supported her when she was going through a bad time , i know she has LD but she is a grown up I think deleted and blocked and also maybe withdrawing her friendship is going to be best ,

I deleted a FB friend i had met a few years ago as her and her partner are involved with EDL i couldnt stand the rants anymore ,

CuriousMama · 06/03/2012 20:32

I've deleted quite a few people because of their -ist views. I've hidden a few who just bug me. Am left with interesting people and artists. YANBU. Never get stuck with someone through pity alone it's not fair on either of you. Maybe she'll learn a lesson from this?

Original poster

ThatVikRinA22 · 06/03/2012 20:38

she isnt self aware enough to learn anything from anything unfortunately....but i feel better about deleting her now and im just going to leave it.

she tried to phone me and i didnt answer. she text me, ive replied once but im going to leave it now though. It wasnt a two way friendship anyway, i just felt bad about what happened to her throughout training and felt for her.

i do need to toughen up.

OP posts:

CuriousMama · 06/03/2012 22:59

Yes best to ignore she'll get the hint hopefully ?

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