to not want a social life

[redridingwolf]

for the next decade few years?

We have 3 children under 5 (the baby isn't yet 1 and still bf), DH and I both work (me part-time, self-employed). We have child-care help but only for the time I work.

Both up by 6am (but have usually been up more than once in the night anyway), it is then full-on children/work/household stuff etc. until 7pm - then we have an hour or two of TV/reading/chatting before going to bed - and the next round of night awakenings.

We're perfectly happy with this, and enjoy our family life. But it is also pretty tiring. Neither of us have any energy for social life. We make an effort for special events, like weddings etc. but just normal going out is not enjoyable - and it's already past our bedtime so we're yawning. So we don't do it.

Obviously that makes us very boring. Most of our friends just accept they don't see us much. But a few seem to take it very personally and complain rather stridently that they're not seeing us, that the friendship is fading etc. etc. They have kids as well (though older), so obviously they have more energy than us and perhaps we're doing something wrong. But I think they're being a bit insensitive. Can't they just accept that it's not a social time for us now, that it probably will be again in a few years, and in the meantime just keep in touch more on email etc? Or is socialising yet another to-do item that 'must' be on the list?

YANBU But I do think time alone, out together is important too.

i do understand wanting t stay in with the kids, to tired etc but time alone or socialising away from the kids is important too
take your time and ease back into it

I hate socializing and love that I have a small child that lets me bow out!

Tell your friends to wind their necks in and remember what lack of sleep feels like!

I think it's quite odd to 'decide' that you're not going to have social life for a specific length of time. And it you persist with it, I think you have to acknowledge that in a few years time, your friends will have moved on, so your lack of social life may become rather more permanent.
Life with small kids IS exhausting and of course the last thing that you want to do is dance til dawn but I do think for your own sanity, and the sake of your relationship with each other, then it's really important to be more than mummy/daddy/bread winner/cleaner/cook. What do you do at weekends ? Meeting up for Sunday lunch with the kids is an option ? As the weather gets better, there's nothing to beat a huge , noisy picnic in the park with friends and kids ? And you can still be in bed by 9

Well yanbu to not want to socialise but I don't think you can expect your friends to wait to wait around a few years until your children are older.

I only have 2 but both dh and I work but socialising is important to us, I think as well you can adapt socialising with small children,when they were babies we just used to invite friends round for a take-away after the children were in bed so no cooking/minimal cleaning. Also if dh or I want a night out with friends we will take it in turns and try and time it for when we can have a lie-in the next day.
Doesn't have to be a big night out even if you met up once a month for tea at a pub or somebodys house it would help keep your friendships going.

I'm the opposite! I love my husband and children but need that little bit of a social life to remind me that I am not just mummy/work/housework drone. Otherwise it's just drudgery and fun is important too!

Saying that, I remember how sleep deprivation feels with an under one and being so bone-tired I just wanted to fall into bed after work every night so YANBU to feel like this at the moment!

You go to bed at 8???
YABU.
Having a social life is energising. You have become boring and none of your friends will still be around in a few years when you decide you might want to start going out again.
Plus, there are two of you, so you don't neccessarily have to go out together.
Juts the thought of what you just described make me feel claustrophobic!

Having a social life is not energizing for everyone. To say so is ignoring the OP's feelings and the possibility that she's an introvert. For some of us, socializing is pure torture.

For a misanthropic curmudgeon like myself? Socializing is agonizing.

I love my routine, "boring" life too but I do make sure to get out once a month. I plan for it in advance, by arranging for DH to do the early start with DS and by making sure I'm rested in advance and don't have too much on the day after. It is worth keeping good friendships going even if it is a bit of hassle IMO.

well, i'm not suggesting any of you give up your social life! just that i need a break from mine :)

we do daytime socialising with the kids - plenty of that - and we have friends from further afield (usually others with families) to stay for the weekend every couple of months or so. the issue is with friends who want 'adult-only' evenings out for drinks/dinner/gigs etc.

we're older parents, so had 20+ years of adult-only socialising before the kids came along. never pressurised friends who were parents into that - i've always been quite happy for people to drop in and out of social activities as suits them. most people are the same with us, but just a few seem to take it personally.

and yes, nowthen i go to bed at 8.30! sad, i know, but it's the only way i can be awake in the morning. doesn't bother me, i know it's not forever.

are those of you who are keen socialisers despite small children younger than us (we're 40plus) Many of our friendships are 10, 20, even 30 years old - they've survived long gaps in seeing one another with all the usual geographical moves and shifts in lifestyle. So I feel that any that die off over these few years of exhaustion are probably aren't the most worthwhile ones.

Tee - yes, DH is like you, not a natural socialiser at any time! I was very sociable before kids, but am a happy sofa-burrower at the moment! I suppose a bit of me must be feeling guilty or I wouldn't post about it though.

Ultimately it is up to you. But true friendship imo is a two way relationship. If you don't want to see them - and weekends exist as well remember - then you have to accept that they may not be friends when you want to start socialising again in x number of years.

tbh if you were a close friend and treated me like this, I probably wouldn't be available in x number of years.

I think it would be sadder to stay up late because others thought you should rather than getting the sleep you need!

YANBU. It's entirely up to you how you spend your time :) Your real friends will understand.

We both work and when we are not at work we are taking the kids to their extra curricular stuff. Then there is the homework and music practice. Then there is the parent/child quality time eg playing board games, going swimming etc.

We have friends who are similar in that they don't have much spare time and what time they do have they want to spend with just their family. Consequently, half term and the summer break is a flurry of social activity. And then it dies down come term time.

It works for us but one non-friend mum has gone so far as to suggest that our lives are going to be so empty once our children are grown up. We don't see it that way because by then we would welcome the opportunity to be a couple again but for the time being we are happy with being a family and all that this entails.

oh dear, lesley if you are one of my friends then it is a bad outlook!

but on the upside, if tee, filter and pusheed are, then it's a more positive one.

i do wonder what those with busy social lives are cutting out to do it? is it sleep? perhaps they have children who sleep 7pm to 7am, so it's less of an issue.

i suppose it depends as well what kind of social life you have - some people have a small group of friends they see all the time, others see a wider group but therefore see particular individuals less often, IYSWIM. I think I've always been in the latter category, so I don't expect to see a particular person frequently. Pre-children I tried to keep up with a lot of friends (all good friends, acquired at different times through life) but now it's just not feasible.

Tbh, I'm making the most of it whilst they're little and in bed by 7, before the homework and activities that don't end until 7.30 start up and scupper my weekday party animal lifestyle

I have a DS who's 18mo and prob go out 1 night in the week (usually with girlfriends)and then DH and I will go out 1 night at the weekend with mates. I sometimes do get the "Oh god, do I have to go out? really?" thing, but I always really enjoy it when I get there, and my friends understand that I'll be heading home around 10ish on school nights. That said, most of them are in the same boat re having youngish children and I'm lucky because DS sleeps through.

yanbu. I think (as an older parent myself) that you are at a stage where you have probably done all your major socialising. I was surprised by all the other people in my ante-natal class who couldn't wait to leave their babies and get back out drinking and partying but maybe that's just because I am old and knackered and would much rather veg in front of the TV.

redriding cross posted - Yes, I do have a good sleeper.

Tbh, I have friends who disappear off the radar for years (due to lifestyle differences, geographical proximity, one of us is working like a bastard etc) and then we get back in touch and all is cool, and then others who are more transient and a long period of radio silence has meant we've drifted apart , so depends on the friends I think.

I wouldn't have a problem with meeting up in the day tbh. And there are friends I only see very occasionally - I am friends with peopel I see maybe once a year. But I do think it is different with close friends.

When my dcs were young my social life was less. But I still met friends for coffee with my dcs, went round to their houses in the evening and both DP and I did babysit for each other so we could go out individually with friends.

I also got the - Oh do I have to go out feeling - but once I was out I always really enjoyed it.

It is hard when DC are small. You feel evry tired.

However, friendships, like any relationships require some effort. If you never see your friends they just become people you know.

If it is really so tiresome to have to see these 'friends' once in a while then I suggest the friendship has run its course. You indicate no interest in what they might need from your 'friendship' and appear to get nothing out of it yourself.

YANBU.

I remember my parents going out about once a month when me and siblings were little, just to friends houses for dinner. If their social life now is anything to go by, you'll soon pick up the reigns and only be available to babysitting your grandchildren, if it is booked 3 months in advance

I'm a LP and the difficulty of finding babysitters, plus financial constraints mean I also only go properly out once every couple of months. I have friends round for weekend lunches, we meet in the park with DC or they come round in the evening when my DC are in bed to share a bottle of wine. I didn't have DC1 until I was late 20's and had 10 years prior to that of being out 4 or 5 nights a week. I don't resent staying in now, and don't feel I'm missing out. Some friends have dropped by the wayside, but I think that's often the case in life, and I don't particularly care.

redridingwolf, if yabu then so am I. I love going to bed between 8:30-9:30 (weekends included) and relish the quiet of a cup of tea on my own before ds wakes up. Social lives are so passe!

HTH

Can't you just do different stuff? We have a 15mo DS and we don't go out in the evenings much. We sometimes have people round for dinner. If that is too tiring because you need to go to bed early, can't you meet people for lunch? Or coffee in the daytime? Not all 'socialising' has to involve the evening / alcohol.

So long as your husband is also happy with this arrangement then there shouldnt be a problem.