to not want a social life

[redridingwolf]

for the next decade few years?

We have 3 children under 5 (the baby isn't yet 1 and still bf), DH and I both work (me part-time, self-employed). We have child-care help but only for the time I work.

Both up by 6am (but have usually been up more than once in the night anyway), it is then full-on children/work/household stuff etc. until 7pm - then we have an hour or two of TV/reading/chatting before going to bed - and the next round of night awakenings.

We're perfectly happy with this, and enjoy our family life. But it is also pretty tiring. Neither of us have any energy for social life. We make an effort for special events, like weddings etc. but just normal going out is not enjoyable - and it's already past our bedtime so we're yawning. So we don't do it.

Obviously that makes us very boring. Most of our friends just accept they don't see us much. But a few seem to take it very personally and complain rather stridently that they're not seeing us, that the friendship is fading etc. etc. They have kids as well (though older), so obviously they have more energy than us and perhaps we're doing something wrong. But I think they're being a bit insensitive. Can't they just accept that it's not a social time for us now, that it probably will be again in a few years, and in the meantime just keep in touch more on email etc? Or is socialising yet another to-do item that 'must' be on the list?

With 3 children under 5, early risers, waking in the night, no yanbu. Explain to your friends that something has to give and make daytime plans with them. As you say, it's not forever .. I found socialising pretty hard when I was in your shoes and I'm the most sociable person ever. Now the dcs are 7 and 4 and I am fairly much guaranteed them sleeping until 7am, I am making up for lost time -it's a blip in the scheme of things. Enjoy your early nights.

yes, yuleing, i think that's it really, i feel like i've done most of my socialising. i used to go out most nights of the week (pre kids and pre marriage - came to both late) and i really can't envisage doing that again.

my closest friends live a long way away so not many opportunities to see them at the moment. not worried as when the kids are older it will be easier to have the odd weekend away etc.

interesting though how strongly some people feel that it is so wrong not to keep up with it. i think that's the bit I don't get. I mean, going out is nice and everything, but not essential, surely? obviously you want to keep up with friends and know about what they're doing, but you don't need to see them every other week (or even every other month) for that.

anyway. 2 out of 3 kids are vomiting at the moment (not this exact moment) so more of my energies are going on rubber gloves and bleach than on manicures and alcohol (not that either of those are essential to a night out, obviously, but they did use to feature in mine once upon a time)

YANBU. DH and I don't have the energy for much socialising. And we can't do it at all during the week because we get up between 5 and 6am and our boy still wakes during the night.

We keep in touch with friends by inviting them for lunch at weekends. Once a month or so we have our best friends to stay for a weekend or go to theirs. And for special occasions we bite the bullet and have a Saturday night out and accept that we'll feel like shit for a day or two after. Still recovering from celebrating our anniversary last weekend.

We have lost touch with a few people since having our son, but they were drinking pals rather than proper friends so not such a loss - on either side I suspect.

yes, i think it is all compromise at the moment. we have friends over / meet up wtih them in the daytime - but the adults don't get a lot of relaxed chatting time because the children are still so young. i think some people are okay with that and others are irritated by it - but really, that's the only option atm.

nights out involve huge babysitting favours or high cost and there are only a handful of people (about 3 in fact) whom the children would be happy with if they woke up, which is perfectly likely, so that's reserved for special occasions.

to be honest, i always thought this sort of thing was normal!

I can only imagine how tired you both must be. 3 under 5 is alot to do plus you have work on top. I don't think you need to be going out for hours and hours for meals or drinks or whatever with friends. Just ensure that you stay in touch with them in other ways, the odd coffee, lunch, phone calls etc. I know how you feel. I only have 1 older dd but my DP works away all week so when she is away it is hard to find a baby sitter and when DP is home I want to be with her so we dont go out that much either.

but the adults don't get a lot of relaxed chatting time because the children are still so young

SO true. My 2 best friends and I between us only have 4 children under 3 (although will be 6 by the summer) and we have decided to schedule our next proper conversation for 2017. DH and I do quite a lot of weekend lunches with friends, but we generally end up tag-teaming eating and supervising the kids outside.

I actually completely see your point and I think maybe your friends have forgotten what having very young children is really like (and we do forget I think- I cant remember much about DS's newborn days and that was less than 2 yrs ago.. I'm sure by the time he's 12 I will hav reinvented his toddler years completely )

We found the easiest way to continue socialising was summer BBQs. Start at 2 in the afternoon, and hopefully everyone has gone by 8! Sometimes they went on longer. We all lived in walking distance. However they started to go by the wayside once the children got to 10 or thereabouts and forever needed carting to sports training or matches.

Now all the children are old enough to do their own thing and proper adult socialising (meals out) has recommenced.

Although I'm quite anti-social anyway

I think true friendships are the ones where you drift in and out of each others lives over the years. One of my friends has just moved house and has a legal thing coming up; I am undergoing some health treatment and she rang me up yesterday; we realised we'd barely seen one another since Christmas! It's just how it goes; life throws up things that get in the way of having a perfect social life. But true friends will know that because it happens to them too, and you'll meet up again at a mutually convenient time.

That said, I do try to make the effort on days off/weekends to meet up for coffee or lunch; if DS is about them DH takes care of him, or he comes to lunch with us. We also have them round on some evenings to share a take away and a bottle of wine, it's getting to the stage now that I'm cooking again properly, too. Maybe try to meet them at times that suit you more?

yes, yuleing, i think that's it really, i feel like i've done most of my socialising. i used to go out most nights of the week (pre kids and pre marriage - came to both late) and i really can't envisage doing that again.

I'm with you there, actually. I feel like I've grown out of the 'let's go out every Friday and Saturday night and get totally pissed'. It's fun sometimes but... It just seems a bit shallow to do it all the time. I suspect some of your friends still do this, and relate massive quantities of alcohol to having a good time. I know some of my friends are like this and I can't imagine wanting to go and join them anytime soon!

I go out occasionally, dh goes out, but apart from that we just like a bit of peace and quiet of an evening, if the dds go to bed at a decent hour. The last thing we'd want to do is have people round for dinner, but then we've never been ones for dinner parties.

yanbu, but make the effort see see friends in other ways. Phone more, email more, arrange walks in the day time

and of course you are tired, jesus! 3 under 5.......wow

YANBU havin small kids and both working with lack of sleep is a busy busy time, who cares if you don't go out for a couple of years, you both need to remember to focus on keeping your marriage going and getting through these hectic early years, you can become social butterflies when the kids are older, your friends are prob a bit disappointed that they don't see you as often that's all, perhaps have a simple BBQ in the summer and have them round as a compromise if it bothers you,

Well I think you will find some of your friendships will drift apart to be honest. Maybe not the ones where you have children of similar ages but all the others may struggle.

I like to meet up with my friends and their kids but you can't chat properly. My friendships are very important to me and I make a lot of time for them. My group of friends are all in their 30's, most married, many with kids but we meet up for everyones birthdays which is probably 10 times a year, I organise nights out about 3 or 4 times a year (sometimes for just the girls) and a few of us might go to the cinema every now and then. We are even going on a 5 day holiday in 5 weeks to Barcelona (without kids and husbands - bliss!).

You may have done a lot of socialising when you were younger and fair dos if you want to sit back and chill now. But I understand the friends who want to see you without your kids there and don't think they ABU. I have kids and I don't always want them and my friends kids around!

Give up your social life by all means but don't expect them to still be there in 10 years when you fancy seeing them. Very close friendships may be able to be sustained with sporadic contact but those are few and far between I find :)

Anyway who is to say the sleeping thing won't calm down in 2 years and you might fancy a meal out with friends? How you can have no time away with your DH is beyond me though. I NEED to get away from my kids on a regular basis

I feel mean now because I said YABU!
I bet you do feel tired. Bloody hell, 3 under 5 is a lot to take on.
Probably in a couple of years you will emerge a bit and have a bit more inclination to socialise.

I still do think it can be energising though. I only have one, but have always been a lone parent, and I went out for the first time when ds was 8 weeks, leaving him with my mum and a bottle! (Oh the shame!) but, seeing my frrineds in a social setting actually helped pull me back towards sanity (non-sleeping reflux baby) and gave me the strength to get thru the next 3 months.
Sometimes it's good to remember who you are iyswim.

that's very nice of you to come back and say you feel mean, wreck!

I think lone parents need socialising especially tbh, i have a friend who chose to have a baby as a lone parent, and she made sure she kept a very regular social life from very early on.

angryfeet - DH and i get away together sometimes: we have a bi-annual night away, though will miss the next one probably, as DD won't be ready to be left overnight. We have the occasional lunch out together too. Oh, and we have those uninterrupted chats when we're in the car and all 3 kids have fallen asleep - those count as a date these days :o Not at all worried about our marriage, we talk all the time, and are in full agreement about what we're doing. No strain there.

In the last 5 years, I have been continuously pg or bf, so 'getting away' doesn't really work too well. Not a problem. DH and I have known each other (tho' not been together) 20+ years, and hopefully have another 40 years ahead. This is just one phase. We chose to have the kids close together (well, we're too old to spread them out anyway) and that makes it more intense now, but perhaps easier further down the line.

I think when the youngest is 4 or so, socialising with kids gets easier, because you don't have to be closely supervising a child at the same time, you can let them do their own thing.

I agree that friends without children might not understand, though I am sure that some of them do. But some of them have been off overseas to work for years at a time, and I don't complain that they're not available to go out every month with me, so I see this as similar really.

I think we're taking the sensible approach. I suppose it surprises (bothers?) me a bit that a few other people seem to think that we are not. It is a small fraction of our friends who think that, so not generally representative.