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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit hurt by this?

33 replies

toptramp · 05/03/2012 18:04

My mum died of cancer last June and it was her birthday last Tuesday. My dad has been fab but he didn't put flowers down on her actual birthday; he didn't put them down til yesterday; 5 days sfterwards. This includes flowers that my mum's family gave us to put down.He reckons he's been too busy at work.
I guess the real reason I feel so wierd is that he's seeing someone else. She's lovely; she has been my friend for ages. She's his age and her dd and I are mates. But he spent a lot of time last week with her; surely he could have taken 10 minutes to put flowers on mum's grave. I just don't want to feel taht he can forget about mum so easily . Part of me is pleased that he has moved on and found romance but part of me is upset as it makes mum's death seem more real.
When I pulled him up on not putting flowers down on mum's birthday he said in his angry tone of voice that "I wasn't going to make him feel guilty about it. " grrrrr

OP posts:

Synyster · 05/03/2012 18:05

I can get why you feel this way, but couldn't you have done the flowers?

Gumby · 05/03/2012 18:06

I'm so sorry for your loss

Everyone grieves differently though and it's such a personal thing your dad probably felt embarrassed being pulled up on it
I'd let it be tbh, let him be happy

amistillsexy · 05/03/2012 18:09

I wouldn't be too hard on him...it could be that he couldn't face taking the flowers. He might be feeling guity for seeing someone else, and also angry at having to feel guilty, IYSWIM.

I think that he is probably feeling just as wretched as you at the moment, but he might be finding it hard to deal with the range and complexity of emotions he encounters.

Grief does strange thigs to us, and we all experience it and remember our loved ones in different ways.

amistillsexy · 05/03/2012 18:10

X-post with Gumby

Original poster

toptramp · 05/03/2012 18:13

I did put flowers down.

OP posts:

diddl · 05/03/2012 18:14

Do your mum´s family live too far away to have done it themselves?

Perhaps it wasn´t something that he was going to do & then had to because of other people´s flowers-and then you "getting at him" as well made him defensive.

I can see why you might be hurt-but isn´t it up to him?

Synyster · 05/03/2012 18:16

it is so hard, my mum died when I was 18 and my dad met my step mum about a year later, so hope you don't think I was being harsh.

OriginalJamie · 05/03/2012 18:19

You can't help how you feel, but are you sure the putting down flowers, and the grave itself, hold the same significance for him as they do for you?

I know I'd probably like going to a grave to be part of my memory of someone, but I know that not everyone feels this way.

What a very hard time for you. I am sorry.

I agree with amstillsexy

boohoohoo · 05/03/2012 18:21

The first thought I had was that he was 'hiding' from you mum as he's starting a new relationship and part of him may feel guilty iyswim, that could be why he was a bit snappy with you. Grief is horrible and we all react differently, I'm sure he'll never forget her and will always have a lot oflove for her.

FlossieTeacakeShouldFakeIt · 05/03/2012 18:21

I understand how you feel but the whole laying flowers thing doesn't mean the same to everyone. It's possible that it is more significant to you than it is to him, it doesn't mean he has forgotten your Mum or doesn't love her anymore.

exexpat · 05/03/2012 18:24

I'd agree with what OriginalJamie said.

My DH died more than five years ago; his ashes are buried in a cemetery near where his parents live, which is several hundred miles from here. Sometimes when visiting the in-laws I take the children to visit his grave, but not always. I don't feel any connection to it - it is just a stone with his name on - but it doesn't mean I don't miss him. The important thing to me is memories of him and all the photos etc we have, not the grave.

IAmBooyhoo · 05/03/2012 18:25

could it be that your dad was finding it really hard to visit her grave on this first birthday after her death?

BabyDubsEverywhere · 05/03/2012 18:41

My family berate me for not attending my brothers grave, it means nothing to me, it is just a sad place I am happy to avoid. My feelings for my brother have not altered though, everyone is different. I'm sorry for your loss, just wanted to put your dads side forward.

BluddyMoFo · 05/03/2012 18:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gamerwidow · 05/03/2012 18:46

I am very sorry for your loss but I agree iwth the other posters that not everyone attaches significance to visiting a loved ones grave.
My DSF died 20 years ago and in that time neither my mum or sister or myself have ever gone back to visist the grave.
That doesn't mean that he wasn't very much loved or that he isn't missed (still) but his graveside holds no special meaning to us.
Let your DF grieve in his own way.

Original poster

toptramp · 05/03/2012 18:50

He has managed to put down flowers on other occasions such as Christmas eve, Valentine's day. To be fair he does put them down virtually every Sunday but IMO theses firsts after a death are quite important and if he can put flowers down on any other day he can manage them on that particular day. I guess he feels guilty. I do too; I introduced them! I am happy but I feel sad that it's not my mum he's having all the fun times with.

OP posts:

limitedperiodonly · 05/03/2012 18:51

I feel so sorry for you.

Like the others said, some things don't mean as much to some people but that doesn't mean they don't care.

Please try not to fall out with your dad about this. I'm sure you won't but it's so hard when everything's so raw.

I completely understand your mixed feelings over his meeting someone else. I think I'd probably feel the same way as you if I was his daughter, which is not the same as saying he's wrong.

Please take care. I'm thinking of you and your lovely mum tonight.

MerryMarigold · 05/03/2012 18:53

It must be an extremely hard day for him to deal with. I know the anniversary of the death of someone I loved hit me incredibly hard, year after year. Even though I got married to someone else. Maybe he just couldn't handle going there and feeling even sadder.

Original poster

toptramp · 05/03/2012 18:55

I like to think that he was too sad to go but the way it came across was that he was too absorbed in his new romance to give it a thought... which is horrid of me but it just came across like that and that's why I feel so hurt I guess. The timing.

OP posts:

Original poster

toptramp · 05/03/2012 18:56

He was out with the new lady all last week and it only takes 10 mins to put flowers down but I guess he found it hard to deal with and he wanted a pleasant diversion. Can't really blame him.

OP posts:

Ilovedaintynuts · 05/03/2012 19:05

It is very possible he was too wrapped up in a new romance to put flowers on the grave. Some people throw themselves into new relationships and never grieve 'properly'. This is especially common with men.
It is no reflection on the love but merely a way to deal with the hurt.
Upsetting for those involved though.

jamdonut · 05/03/2012 19:06

My mum died nearly 2 years ago. My stepfather had her ashes interred, and there's a lovely headstone, but I hardly ever put flowers down. I know he doesn't understand why I don't, but in my head, she's not there. She's gone. I have my wonderful memories of her, but putting flowers down seems a bit pointless. They only get eaten by the rabbits in the cemetery anyway. Am I being unreasonable?? I loved my Mum to bits and every birthday,anniversary,Christmas etc is hard,but putting flowers by the headstone doesn't help me. It just seems so futile.

BluddyMoFo · 05/03/2012 19:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PigeonPie · 05/03/2012 19:18

Slightly off topic, but we don't really do flowers on graves in our family. My late DGrandfather used to buy my DMa flowers on special anniversaries rather than take them to the grave (150 miles away). We don't forget, but have the flowers to enjoy as a 'bonus'.

It works for our family anyway.

So sorry for your loss OP - it does take a lot of anniversaries and milestones before it gets easier.

Original poster

toptramp · 05/03/2012 19:26

It would have made me happy Bluddy yes; because the gesture would have displayed that he was thinking of my mum on that day. Of course I wasn't suggesting that he put them down for my benefit; rather for my mum's benefit. I think these little gestures are important.

OP posts:

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