AIBU to dig my heels in about leaving London

[marriedinwhite]

In about two and a half years when ds is at uni and dd could change school/board for 6th form, DH desperately wants us to spend about 6 months of the year in the North of England (where he is from) splitting our time between there and London with a view eventually to retiring to the North. In principle is OK but my "life" has been here for more than 30 years. Also, DS2 who died shortly after birth is buried near here and there is a part of me that doesn't want to leave him on his own. Pragmatically I know it's unreasonable but for me it just seems such a tie to cut even though we have two wonderful teenagers. He would be nearly 15 now so I should have moved on and should be able to physically.

Of course YANBU. What a difficult decision for you to make. I am so sorry to hear about your DS2. I have no useful advice except to say that I would probably feel the same as you.

YANBU, he is being unreasonable, why would anyone want to live north of Watford?

But seriously it's not for a while and then only part-time (although how would that work?) so you might be being just a little bit unreasonable to be stressing about it now?

But if it bothers you that much you need to talk it out. Does he know you're not keen? Does he know why? What are his reasons for wanting to move? What do you kids think about it? Doesn't he have a "life" in London?

I think you should be prepared to try it, actually. In the first instance it needn't be rigidly six months north then six months south. You could buy a holiday home and spend some time there, odd weekends I mean, and see how it feels.

I think YABU if you don't consider it seriously and with an open mind before saying no actually.

He wants to split his time and move for a reason. Listen to them. Then take a trip up north to see what exactly hes thinking of. You might surprise yourself or it might reaffirm your opinion now.

FWIW you can't live on past memories. You can create new dreams and a new future.

I think you are viewing this with a negative outlook from the beginning and thats rather unfair on your DH.

Don't forget he's also living on memories here, and might find that after looking at the idea more seriously, perhaps his current life is better and his rose tinted specs don't reflect reality.

As a matter of interest, where 'Op North' is he thinking of?

YANBU but neither is he.

I like the idea of trying week(ends) first before committing yourself. You may find you like it, you may not, he may not but at least you'll have tried it.

Retiring permanently is something different yet again so maybe, if you do try it, you'll be happy to do the six months thing but not all the time. That's assuming you can afford to do six months in each permanently.

I'd never move out of London so I appreciate how you feel...I'm really sorry about your son and that in itself is a huge pull for you to stay x

As he's not asking you to make a one off permanent move then I think you'd be unreasonable not to try it.

I think majorie has a good idea about not being rigid about being there in blocks of 6 months. It's not realy enough time to settle properly, but just the right amount of time to get really homesick so you're more likely to enjoy it in smaller doses to start with. Generally the distance between London and "The North" is easy to cover so it wouldn't be too much bother to travel more often, so it could be a good compromise.

YANBU

Nothing wrong with having a second home though that you can use whenever you like.

Bear in mind too that your children will still potentially want and need support. I know a few people whose parents moved as soon as they went to uni, and it totally destabilised them.

OK - the six months issue is not in blocks. DH's plan is that we would divide our time equally between the North and London and he would continue to work from home in the North and come to London when necessary for meetings/business, etc. One of my issues is that I think the DC will want to be in/around London once they are 21 plus and we are setting ourselves up to see less of them in the longer term. DH is a Northerner and hankers to go back - I am a Southerner and although I think it's lovely I'm just not sure how practical it is.

We would sell our large house here and buy a smaller one probably just North of the river - a mile or so from where we live now and buy a very nice 2nd home in the North that would have the capacity to have at least one downstairs bathroom and bedroom so that we could stay there until we are very old or forever. The North would be a major town in Yorkshire, could be Harrogate, North Leeds, York. DH has the view that he wants a real, proper garden - I have the view that he will be the one with the best of both worlds and because I won't be working I will be organising two homes, possibly a third if there is a third for the dc and I will be the doing the garden because his workaholic tendencies mean he won't in spite of his intentions. Neither of us want a village location.

The DC, if they wanted a London base would be able to have a flat to give them some sort of independence or have the run of the London home.

Lets be honest - in any economy, failing or thriving, jobs are in and around London. Not in the NE which is a massive drain finanacially on the UK as whole, seems to always have mass unemployment etc. I'd say the same if he had an ideal of going to Cornwall.

Move out a bit maybe - but don't isolate yourselves from your children who will need to be near regular work.

Of course, your children may leave uni, decide the UK is apile of cack and biugger off abroad to work. So who knows what the future holds.

Where is your own family?

My mother is on the South Coast. DH's is in Yorkshire. His view is that this way they get "equal" access to us as they become very elderly. We will have to take care of both when the time comes.

Oh, we are early 50s so this would be the first step in relation to retirement/long term future plans. DH could easily work from anywhere in the UK providing he could spend at present about 1/2 his time in London. He anticipates this will reduce once he is late 50s.

A word of warning - if your DH is going to be determining where you will be based on his work needs you will resent it as you will not have any control of when you are where.

By all means try it out but make sure you have some certainty over where you will be and ensure you can be in London when you need to be

"My mother is on the South Coast. DH's is in Yorkshire. His view is that this way they get "equal" access to us as they become very elderly. We will have to take care of both when the time comes."

Parents aren't elderly and needing care for only 6 months of the year. What happens when you have parents in both the north and south requiring your attention? Will you separate so that each of you can look after your parents?

Also, I am assuming you are a SAHM or you are about to give up work.

In any case, this is a major change in your life and you need to decide what it is you want to do.

Troisgarcon.
It's pretty offensive of you to say people in the NE are a drain on the rest of the UK.

No, I'm not a SAHM. I have had a successful second career for nearly 9 years and I would have to give this up to facilitate the plan. W edo not need the money but I do enjoy doing a useful job.

Is it? ah well. never mind.

Ok - I thought this might be the plan as it would be a natural break.

I would be very cautious. it is a nice idea but you may grow very resentful -especially as you are giving up your career.

Sorry to read about your son OP . I think he is expecting you to cut ties with your baby son, so that he can go back to his own memories of the north - a certain irony there.

If your children will work in London, it would seem more sense to keep a family house of some sort in London and maybe have a week-end cottage for regular trips to the north, around parent-care. I doubt when you are really elderly that you will want to faff around moving between houses though - but this could be a nice way to ensure you all (incl children) spend more time in the north.

Married this is all very much about him creating his ideal and perfect life. Something which I gather from your posts, you have been a great supporter and facilitator of so far in your life together.

What are your dreams, hopes, plans? What do you 'hanker' for?

come and live up north with us filthy bloody peasants. you might enjoy it

The report from Oxford Economics, an independent think-tank, shows that the average person living or working in the capital pays about £1,740 a year more in tax than he or she gets back in public spending on infrastructure such as roads and schools. The South-east and East Anglia contribute more than £1,000 a head to the nation's coffers each year, while the rest of the country is a drain on Whitehall.

Northern Ireland is the most heavily-subsidised region of the country, each resident enjoying about £3,700 a year more in public spending than he or she pays in taxes. Wales, the North-east and Scotland are the other big winners. The report estimates that London, the South-east and East Anglia together have paid out a net £250bn over the past 10 years

Of COURSE YANBU! Your son being buried in London is more than enough reason to stay there...your ties and roots aside.

Your DH and you can go to vist his old home on a regular basis.