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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to dig my heels in about leaving London

44 replies

marriedinwhite · 05/03/2012 13:56

In about two and a half years when ds is at uni and dd could change school/board for 6th form, DH desperately wants us to spend about 6 months of the year in the North of England (where he is from) splitting our time between there and London with a view eventually to retiring to the North. In principle is OK but my "life" has been here for more than 30 years. Also, DS2 who died shortly after birth is buried near here and there is a part of me that doesn't want to leave him on his own. Pragmatically I know it's unreasonable but for me it just seems such a tie to cut even though we have two wonderful teenagers. He would be nearly 15 now so I should have moved on and should be able to physically.

OP posts:
PatsysPyjamas · 05/03/2012 22:05

I don't think leaving your DD behind as she starts sixth form is a very good idea. If he's waited so long, can't he wait a couple of years longer?

thebestisyettocome · 05/03/2012 22:15

Troisgarcons.
I should begin by saying that I don't even come from any part of the country you have described as being a drain on the rest of the UK but nevertheless I think your approach to the subject is pretty narrow-minded. I have heard it argued before that people in the SE contribute to a greater extent than other UK residents. That may be true but I don't think it follows that this means the rest of the UK is a dead weight. In fact I think you'd have to be pretty brain dead to see the issue in such narrow terms. It doesn't account for the huge contributions the north made historically to the wealth of the nation and the fact there is lots of wealth still being generated beyond the Watford Gap. The SE has a disproportionate amount of investment and amenities compared to the rest of the UK so it's inhabitants can hardly complain about the rest of the nation.

Rogerbacon · 05/03/2012 22:24

Isnt cornwall a dead weight as it is the poorest county in England and contributes nothing

Rhubarbgarden · 05/03/2012 22:29

Troisgarcons Yorkshire is not in the North East. It is just North.

Pornyissue · 05/03/2012 22:57

Married

Wherever you go your beautiful son will always be in your heart

skybluepearl · 05/03/2012 23:18

York is nice but why not buy a holiday home instead - somewhere like Whitby that you can rent out to holiday makers and enjoy yourselves for a couple of months a year? Whitby is quite popular for this I've heard. Lots of lovely walking and sea side - also a great contrast to grey London. Somewhere your kids might like to take their kids in the future.

Tryharder · 05/03/2012 23:23

Harrogate, North Leeds and York are all very lovely places. I live very near to Harrogate by the way. I love living up here but to be honest I hanker to move back down South sometimes mainly due to the shonky weather up here.

If you want a big house with a garden, why not try Kent?

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/03/2012 23:43

Sorry, but I just don't think he's thought this through at all, or at least not thought about how it affects anyone but himself (and even then it's a bit patchy and rose-tinted).

Your children may well see their life as being in London, with their friends and student life. They may feel a bit unsettled by the 'family home' whisking a couple of hundred miles away, and at a time when stability would give them a better base to try out their new adulthood (poorly expressed, but I'm hoping you get what I mean). Especially your DD, in 6th form - does she really need this distraction when she's on the final stretch of her A levels? Travelling expenses (in time as well as money) between London and the North could subtly dissuade them from frequent visits.

You would have to give up your job, a job that you enjoy and have been doing for 9 years, so is a big part of your life; and move to a part of the country where you may have in-laws but few (no?) personal friends. You would have to build up a new network from pretty much scratch. And you may not see your children as often as you would had you not moved from London.

Your DH will need to spend "about 1/2 his time in London". Presuming this will be something along the lines of weekly trips rather than e.g. two months at a time, he will be wasting spending a lot of time travelling. Would you be accompanying him every time (tiring), or would you be left all by yourself hundreds of miles from where your '"life" has been here for more than 30 years.' ?

"DH has the view that he wants a real, proper garden" . Well, what's stopping him having one in London? If it were really that important to him, he'd have done something about it in the last 30 years. No, that sounds like a bit of a pipedream - he sees himself sitting in a garden having a beer/cuppa, in a 'master of all he surveys' kind of way. It's not even a pipedream, just an image of how he thinks he should be, and would be, if only he were 'back home'. I think you are quite right that you will be the one wielding the spade.

And he has "his workaholic tendencies" . I wonder if this might translate into, despite supposedly splitting time between London and the North, him still gravitating more to London, as workaholism seems to always entail the notion that the office will fll apart without them actually being there? Leaving you simmering resentfully and alone in the North?

Like I said, I think he has a very rose-tinted view of 'moving back'. My parents lived abroad for over a decade, really missing 'home'. Well, when they did come back to live, they really missed abroad. It completely threw them that life had moved on while they were away; that their parents/siblings/children/friends had not been wrapped in cotton wool and stored asleep in a box while they were away, that buildings had been built/demolished, new shops opened/old shops closed. That the 'home' of their memories existed only in their memories. Is your DH sure that this is not also the case with him?

(BTW, I have some sympathy with your DH, as a Scot whose life has been in England for over 20 years; but I know the Scotland of my teens and twenties is history and have made my life here.)

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/03/2012 23:43

Oops, that was long! Blush

Toomanycuppas · 06/03/2012 04:29

Marriedinwhite, I don't know what the answer to your situation is especially feeling that you would be leaving your son. My MIL faced the heartache of "leaving" her daughter (died aged 12) behind when they came to live near us in Australia. She has made a little memory garden that she can see through the window from where she sits and gets comfort from it.

UtherTheTerrible · 06/03/2012 08:23

Would you definitely have to give up your career if you moved? I don't know- I think if you didn't want to move in the first place it would be a bit rubbish to have to be the one giving up their job as well. If it's the case that your second career would be killed off by the move then I'd call that a big minus.

aquafunf · 06/03/2012 10:14

me and dh are planning to do similar in around 5 years, when dd is 9, and the older ones are at uni/work. we do not have the finances to do as you are, but the principle is the same.

you need to really think this through with dh. i personally think its a very good idea to move to a comunity before retirement age. you could have a nice life, meet some good friends before you contemplate retirement. i'm guessing the 6 months thing is to try and compromise somewhere and try before you commit. that sounds sensible to me.

what do you want to do? that is probably what you need to establish, rather than just thinking that you do not want to do what dh wants

thefurryone · 06/03/2012 13:02

It's a tricky situation but as the person who lives away from home in my relationship (we live were DH is from) I'd be gutted if he would never even consider moving back to where I'm from with me.

So whilst YANBU to have reservations and given that your children will still be of school age for a few years YANBU to not agree to his timescales. However, I do think you would be unreasonable to say you never ever want to move rather than work towards a compromise that will work for both of you.

marriedinwhite · 06/03/2012 14:21

Thank you for all your replies. They have helped to crystallise how I feel and I think I have been a bit u about this. We will have two homes and I will be under no obligation to spend more time than I want in the North. If I was unhappy there DH would accept it couldn't be permanent but that is 12 or so years ago. The DC would have us in London for at least 6 months of the year until they are at least mid 20s. DD's education would be a priority and if she did not want to board for 6th form she can go to school in London and the plan will be delayed although DH is keen to buy the house up North in about 2 years because of the market cycle.

I fully accept that once the Northern house is purchased I will have to stop bworking because it will be a full time job to deal with the domestic reorganisation - at least for a few years. I quite look forward to that. As I said in my opening post my barrier is/was ds2 and where he is buried but this thread has helped to rationalise my feelings and to move on a little.

Practically the cats are likely to be a bit of a hurdle but we will jump that one at the time we face it.

OP posts:
greenfingers · 06/03/2012 14:23

I agree with WhereYouLeftIt and wonder why you have to move if he is looking for you both to be 50/50 in each location. Unless you are going to travel back on all the trips to London which, will make it more difficult for you to establish a "life" in the north. Surely if you stay in London and he goes back and forth to York or wherever, you would still see him for 50% of the time the same as you would if you stayed in York and he travelled mostly alone to and from London. Doesn't sound like a properly thought through idea to me.

greenfingers · 06/03/2012 14:25

just to add, we cross posted there:)

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 06/03/2012 16:07

Um, if he wants the move why don't you suggest he stops working to organise it?

I wouldn't go for this. I'd be wary of taking your investment out of London and moving it north if you're not both totally sold on the idea. I'd be wary of completely relocating to somewhere I didn't want to be and didn't know anyone and at the same time giving up my job! I'd be wary of the fact that your DH gets to indulge what's actually a rose-tinted view of the past and when push comes to shove ends up not actually engaging with it at all as he's still going to be a 'workaholic' - leaving you not meeting people and not settling.

I think you could end up with your assets devalued and spending a lot of money on a reorganisation of your lives which actually suits neither of you and doesn't help AT ALL with the caring for parents issue.

If you're going to be up and down the country caring for parents I'd keep one base - it's simpler. I'd think of the money which would be spent on a move and buying/selling and work out how much that could actually contribute to your DCs future. Above all I'd get your DH to take off the rose-tinted specs and see the reality of 'moving back' after all these years. The 'North' that he remembers isn't there any more - the past is a different country. You have your life which you've built up over 30 years - the last thing I would do as you approach retirement would be to start all over again!

campergirls · 06/03/2012 17:07

Oxford Economics may be independent, troisgarcons, but it is also a right-wing thinktank with plenty of axes to grind. Pinches of salt (from the Northern salt mines of Cheshire, perhaps?) are called for.

dishwasherfromhell · 06/03/2012 19:09

I wonder what food this thinktank was eating.
Importing food is a pretty big drain on our trade deficient.
(I won't mention WW2)
You don't grow much food in London.

Food for thought? Or did they eat something else at their posh restaurants.

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