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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want this friend to stop making me feel guilty about getting pregnant at this time?

39 replies

Aworryingtrend · 05/03/2012 13:51

DH and I were TTC our first child for 18 months, which my good friend was aware of. I am now 8 weeks pregnant, yay!! However, the baby is due the week after this friend's wedding, and is a 4 hour journey from where we live.

My friend was initially very happy for us that we are expecting a baby, but since realising that it will be due a few days after her wedding has been acting very strangely and trying to make me feel guilty. She keeps saying 'it won't feel like my wedding if you aren't there' and 'if you arent at my wedding I will just be sobbing', etc etc. I have of course explained that if I can be there I will be, but she needs to be prepared that I may not be able to be.

Since I got pregnant she has also:

  • suggested I buy a new workout DVD to tone abs (not really much point given I'll be a beach ball in 6 months!)
  • demanded I have a party for my birthday, and invited her and her fiance to stay with us that weekend, even though I will be 37 weeks then
  • rang me specifically to tell me that a friend of a friend had lost her baby at 11.5 weeks.

AIBU to think that this isn't on? And to not know how to tackle it?

OP posts:
ViviPru · 05/03/2012 13:55

YANBU, course it's not on. Its Zillaism of the highest order. Congratulations on your pregnancy though Grin

Don't enter into any dialogue over these silly demands and behaviours. Nod quietly and and just keep repeating the mantra to yourself that she is not herself right now, she'll be back to normal after the wedding.

shuffleballchange · 05/03/2012 13:55

She's jealous. Sounds like a bit of a bitch to be honest. Uninvite her to stay and tell her its unlikely you will make her wedding. A real friend would be thrilled you are pregnant and be supportive. Dont let her nastiness ruin your pregnancy, its a lovely time.

Popoozle · 05/03/2012 13:56

Is she jealous by any chance?

Congratulations on your pregnancy - if you can't be at the wedding then she will just have to accept it. A true friend would understand, surely?

YANBU at all. Your friend sounds either desperately jealous or desperately selfish.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 05/03/2012 14:07

Doesn't sound right at all and I don't think your friend is being very nice. I would have thought she would have been delighted for you and understood why you might not be able to make it and mentioned perhaps having a coffee and catch up at some point after the wedding. But please don't let this spoil things for you and many congratulations on your pregnancy!!!!!! :o

WaitingForMe · 05/03/2012 14:08

One of my closest friends missed my wedding because she had SPD (I think that's what it was called) and couldn't travel. I was sad but I understood.

I'm going to stay with her after she gives birth and get lots of baby cuddles and frankly getting married was nice but babies are super exciting! And I am jealous as it happens as I'm TTC but I can want some of what she has while still being 100% happy for her.

UtherTheTerrible · 05/03/2012 14:16

All of those things she is planning are unrealistic and odd, but the last one I would find most alarming. It is foul to ring up someone who is pregnant just to tell them about a miscarriage. There's no way it was just absent mindedness if she's been acting funny and doing all of these other things related to your pregnancy. If it was a friend of a friend then it's unlikely you would have heard about it, so why bring it up? It's odd.

I would want to distance myself from her tbh. And make it clear there would be no birthday party.

YouOldSlag · 05/03/2012 14:23

YANBU. Don't got to the wedding and don't engage with her about it. Your baby comes before any wedding.

As for her bitchy and frankly weird behaviour, I would think again about labelling her a "friend"

plutocrap · 05/03/2012 14:26

If she has to invite herself to stay, she lives far enough away for you not to have to see her all the time, so that is one good thing.

That thing about the miscarriage is just going-out-of-the-way mean, and there's no reason you can't just hang up on her for something like that.

Have you got any mutual friends who can intervene for you?

hiddenhome · 05/03/2012 14:26

Being a bit jealous if someone might be understandable, but phoning a pregnant friend up to talk about someone's miscarriage is just plain nasty and premeditated. If this was one of my friends, they'd have to consider themselves dropped Sad

lizziebennet · 05/03/2012 14:27

This woman is not a friend. HTH.

Congratulations by the way!

Cherriesarelovely · 05/03/2012 14:29

She is really jealous. I think some of the things she has said such as complain that you will not be at the wedding are understandable if not very mature but calling you to tell you about a friend's misscarraige is just awful.

Congratulations by the way!!!

Original poster
Aworryingtrend · 05/03/2012 14:34

Thank you all for reassuring me that I am not being over-sensitive due to pregnancy hormones.

The phonecall re: the miscarriage was on the pretext of 'I just wanted to tell you in case you were going to put anyhting on facebook'- but I had already said previously we wouldn't be telling the wider world til I'm at least 12 weeks and even then its unlikely to be done via Facebook!

We live 4 hours away from each other but I am travelling down to stay with her this weekend ( a pre-hen do Hmm)and to be honest I am dreading it, after the way she has been behaving lately.

It makes me so sad, we have been such good friends for 10 years, we text each other most days but right now I just want to avoid her Sad.

I think if she starts with the whole 'if you are not at my wedding it will be so so dreadful' comments this weekend I will just have to tell her to grow up TBH.

OP posts:
Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 05/03/2012 15:01

Just don't be bullied into doing something just to ease the guilt she lays on. If you were my friend I'd be over the moon for you!! And a friends joy over a much wanted baby would be better than any wedding present ! Please do whatever you feel you need to do for you and your baby and she's gonna just have to deal with it :)

porcamiseria · 05/03/2012 16:43

I would see the 11 week thing as a deal breaker. Ignore her for a while, and let her come asking

then tell her straight. what the FUCK were you thinking when you told me that? I have listended to ongoing bullshit, but that takes the biscuit. bang out of order

tell her straight

porcamiseria · 05/03/2012 16:44

a fucking PRE HEN, nuff said

ViviPru · 05/03/2012 16:44

Grin porca

YouOldSlag · 05/03/2012 16:48

Agree porca. A PRE HEN? entitled much? That would be a deal-breaker for me on its own!

Another Birdezilla who thinks she owns the world. You're just getting married love, you can drop the attitude.

OP- you sound normal. Some friendships have best before dates. Congratulations!

SingingSands · 05/03/2012 16:52

WTF is a pre-hen?

She sounds jealous. She might not be jealous of the pregnancy, but perhaps she is jealous of the attention you will get. She doesn't want anyone stealing her thunder before/during/after the wedding so she's getting her digs in now.

She's being very immature and behaving very badly.

KatAndKit · 05/03/2012 16:56

You should tackle it head on. Tell her that her behaviour is upsetting you. If she is a true friend she will wake up to herself and apologise for being unreasonable.

You would have thought that she'd enjoy her wedding just the same without you. It's supposed to be about your partner after all!! You are unlikely to be there as not many pregnant women would want to be 4 hours from home at 39 weeks. She will get over you not being there.

If you don't want a party for your birthday then don't have one. Tell her you and your husband will be spending the weekend together before the baby comes and un-invite her from staying with you.

Ringing you about the miscarriage is just awful. Even if she is totally stupid she must realise that you are at that time when you are worried about that all the time. She seems rather immature really. Perhaps she is jealous of the attention you'll get from being pregnant and it won't be all about her and her wedding? Although given how far away she lives, I can't see why that would be the case.

If she carries on even though you tell her that her behaviour is upsetting you, keep your distance from her.

Congratulations on your pregnancy :)

ChaoticAngel · 05/03/2012 16:59

If I were you I wouldn't go to this pre-hen do. If she asks why not then tell her you've had enough of her vile, nasty, insensitive behaviour...which is what phoning you to tell you about the miscarriage was.

KatAndKit · 05/03/2012 17:02

A pre-hen do?? I missed that! And if you aren't 12 weeks yet then it must be something like 7 months till her wedding? And she is having a "do" already?

Total bridezilla.

fedupofnamechanging · 05/03/2012 17:04

I would ring up and pretend to be sick, so I could get out of the pre hen. I can't see how it will be much fun for you, watching a bunch of women get pissed.

I would also cancel the weekend when you will be 37 weeks pg. You could actually have your baby by then, as full term is considered to be anything from 37 weeks onwards - you really don't want her there if your labour starts.

Don't put yourself under pressure to be at her wedding. If you haven't had the baby , then you won't want to be 4 hours away from your hospital and if you have had the baby, then 4 hours in a car with a newborn will not be good for you or the baby - I think they are only supposed to spend about an hour at a time in the baby car seat (I think it's something to do with constricted airways and increased chance of cot death, but I might be wrong).

She sounds like a right pita tbh and if I was you, I would cool it with her, so you can maybe pick the friendship up again later and not feel like throttling her in the meantime.

CelstialNavigation · 05/03/2012 17:26

Honestly though, what IS a "pre-hen do"?

Is it like a subcomitee of people who will be at the actual hen do, to plan it?

Or is it like a rehearsal hen do??

pinklaydee · 05/03/2012 17:57

I don't think that she is as horrible as people are making out, she sounds like a typical bridezilla who also hasn't been pregnant so is unaware of what it's like. It's easy to get selfish before your wedding, as easy as it is to get selfish when you're pregnant too. Sounds like she didn't think when she told you about this other woman miscarrying - she wasn't likely to have kept track of how many weeks you were at the time.

DartsAgain · 05/03/2012 18:14

The friend's attitude strikes me as jealousy. That she wants you at the wedding paying full attention to her and not getting attention yourself for your pregnancy.

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