To be very upset with DP?

[alessthandomesticgoddess]

DP has college today. He is in one day a week as a part-time electrical student. I am bi polar and on new medication and last night I woke him up at 2am with hallucinations, paranoia and insomnia. He got angry because I woke him up and we had an argument which left me in tears and contemplating suicide. I woke him up again and we had a talk about what was going on in my head but it was more me talking at him as he refused to talk to me. He told me I had to change my ways and I couldn't wake him up all the time.

So, cut to this morning. He made our two pre-school (15 months and 3 years) girls breakfast, went out to get tobacco filters and had a cigarette with me. I told him how I couldn't cope, had a huge headache, felt sick, felt suicidal and begged him to take the day off to help look after the girls as I can't parent alone today. He told me no, told me he loved me and fucked off to college.

Now, my lows are never this desperate. This is the first major suicidal low I've had in years and I ask him jokingly to take the day off a lot but this time he knew I meant it. I was inconsolable last night and this morning, floods of tears and physically shaking and he can't take a day off when it's a normal day with no assessments etc to look after us? I feel awful.

I really hate him right now. He left at 8am and won't be back until 5pm. We have no family in the area who are willing to help out (elderly, mobility issues or damn right selfish idiots), I can't afford to call help in and I just don't know what to do with myself. I've been sick, I have a headache right above my right eyebrow, I can't stop crying and thinking dark thoughts but I still have to get on with it and look after two DC's and give them all I can while he swans off to play with his little friends.

AIBU?

YABU. Your DP is not a psychiatrist or a doctor, which is actually what you need. He can't possibly understand mental health issues and can't help you the sufferer. He's presumably at college doing electronics in order to better his chances? Not 'swanning off to play'. Go to see your doctor if you're sick and have a headache. Get the professional help you need

Oh dear I know how hard it is to look after kids when you are ill. It's awful. However yabu to say he's swanning off with his mates! I guess he's going to college for the greater good of the family? Focus on that, let the kids watch cbeebies and rest as much as you can. Freezer/chip shop tea. Don't moan when he comes home, it's not worth it. He has to go to work/college, so there is no point in making him feel bad about it. I reckon that you'll feel better once your meds are working. Good luck.

YABU to say he if off playing. You do sound in a pickle though.
Do you have an emergency team that you can phone for some help. You really don't sound well at all.
Agree with the previous posters. Lazy day for you and your DC.
Take care.

Yes and no. If you often try to get him to skip college then how can you expect him to believe this time you really need help?

If you really cannot cope go to the doctor or hospital. The children can be in the play area while you get some help.

I have a cousin who is bipolar and spends almost half a year in hospital mental health wards, serious suicide attempts etc, it is such a godawful illness and i really feel for you, but the pressure your DP must be under dealing with being woken and trying to be there for you must be intense. It is a huge burden to feel solely responsible for a bipolar sufferer and maybe after that tough night he needed to be in college to escape for a few hours.

If your meds are not working you really do need to see someone today about it. My cousin's mother was also bipolar and took her own life when she was 3, you need to think of your kids and get help now. Please.

Could he be thinking that you "have to get on with it and look after two DC's and give them all I can" could be the thing that ensures you're still there when he gets home? Or be in denial/just plain not understand how badly you feel today.
If you feel you can't look after them then you need to get proper help, from trained people. Have you called your doctor and asked if they will see you? Or your local emergency mental health social work team? or your own worker if you have one.

Poor you, it sounds awful. i don't have experience of bi-polar so not sure what to say but could you go out somewhere, coffee shop, library, park etc to get out of the house and keep busy would that help do you think?

As you're feeling suicidal i do think he should have stayed or at least made sure you were cared for.

Maybe post in Mental health too, you might get more advice there?

YABU. Sorry.

Swans off to play with his friends? I thought he was training for a highly sought after qualification that will allow him to support his family - but no, he's playing with his friends.

Goodness he has hardly swanned off, has he?

Do you have a mental health worker or someone who you are able to call?

I am sympathetic, but he is doing this course presumably to better provide for your family.

I'm afraid I do think YABU, but at the same time I have huge sympathy for you.

It must be awful thinking about the day ahead, with no support. But please try to think about how he is also having a very hard time, through nobody's fault, but he is just trying to do the best for his family.

Please try to get some help today - mental health team, docs, HV clinic?

He has swanned around with his friends. His classes don't start until 2pm today!

Hello! I am not a health professional at all, nor do I know much about mental health issues, however I am not far from you if you want to see another face today? I've not got a pretty one though I will warn you!

I agree with the others that you need to call your gp or mental health team to assess the new meds etc. This is all probably due to the change in meds and I am sure you can ride it through no matter how hard it seems at the moment.

Just take it hour by hour and you're dp will be back before you know it.

I have an appointment with my CPN today and I can't get an appointment with my psychiatrist until April which is already booked to assess the medication (3 month check).

Re: the lying issue - I have never ever been like this with him to ask him to stay. I've always jokingly said "Oh, take the day off love" knowing he has to go. I was up all night sobbing, suicidal and physically ill from it. It was completely different, he knew I needed help and he just went.

YANBU to expect him to be supportive.

Although, if you are feeling this terrible, then you also have to think that perhaps he needs to leave for his own sanity for a short while.

You will know yourself that this illness is a huge strain, especially when you are in a bad state like today.

Have you made an appointment to see the GP about these mood swings? The change in medication is obviously affecting you massively and you need to see if they can Help with this.

You say your OH ha this course one day a week, what is your support structure like the rest of the week?

How are you feeling now? Do you feel that you can't indulge the worst of your dark thoughts because they kids are around? If so then you should grab on to that until you get to see someone.

yanbu, he should have taken the day off.

I hope youre ok, and let us know what the CPN suggests.

Do you have anyone else who could come and help?

I'm not feeling good at all. He has no mobile phone either so in an emergency he couldn't be contacted directly. He has no idea how I'm feeling or if the children are safe, he's just gone to see his mates, have lunch and coffee and then go to classes from 2pm - 5pm.

I respect that he needs time off. He gets it. He gets poker night once a week, college and time with his friends doing whatever he needs. He supports me all week plus I get help from a volunteer at HomeStart for two hours every week.

I don't get much support from DP. He doesn't understand and just moans at me whenever I try to explain. I know it's hard for him but it's hard having these thoughts too.

"he knew I needed help and he just went."

Partners don't automatically know what to do for the best and many bury their head in the sand out of fear or ignorance rather than because they don't care. It's not the mature response, admittedly, but it's not uncommon. You describe the way you were as a very extreme set of symptoms. If we asked him to describe last night he may have a different take on it.

Is your partner involved in your treatment? Does he come with you to appointments etc? Have you had any kind of family therapy? If not, then maybe that's a good place to start. The more informed & involved he is, the better he'll be able to cope and know what to do if you experience more problems.

I think you need to post this in mental health, you are asking aibu, and yes, I think you are! Clearly you have problems, but he was woken early, talked at, got up early with the kids, them went to college, all he has asked you to do is look after your children for the rest of the day. You need to call the doctor, is there not a children's centre near by?

alessthandomesticgoddess, I think you should post in Mental Health, I don't think YABU is the place to post this because your illness and current mental state are bad enough to NOT need to be told that YABU.

YADNBU and your DH doesn't need to just be worrying about you, but he should be thinking about your ability to look after the DC today if you are feeling like that. I know that if I'd said that to my DH, he would make sure that he was here to keep our DD safe aswell as me. (And I'm not suggesting AT ALL that you're a threat to your DCs, but that if anything happens to you, your DCs will be at risk on their own).

Please see if you can get some help hun. It sounds like you're going to have to go it alone today. I hope that you're OK.

What calamityboo said. This is not DP's fault in any way.

This sounds dire aless, if you aren't Teton the essential support you need from him, then you have to think carefully about your current situation, you will know yourself I'm sure how easy it is to let these thoughts overwhelm you x

You have the CPN this afternoon I believe, what about this morning? Is there anyone who could pop round? Or maybe your volunteer could pop in? Just so you have a bit of company?

What in the immediate can change your focus? Are the kids in school/nursery? Are you alone? Nobody knows the cycles of depression that you feel better than yourself, I understand it is worst than you have had before, but you are also a really strong person who deals with this illness and carries on successfully, it's not going to beat you now.

Keep talking Op
X

I've called both my GP and psychiatrist. I have missed the walk in emergency appointments with the GP and there are no appointments left and as you can imagine the psychiatrist can't fit me in until April. I have to deal with the CPN and just see what she says.

That's the thing, I thought I wasn't BU because who in their right mind would leave their suicidal partner with two young children because they want a dinner date with their friends? I wouldn't do that to DP regardless of how early I was woken up. It's not like I did this for fun

I have Bipolar, i understand how you feel. I remember a few occasions when DS was very small where i actually felt like DH was abandoning me/DS when he went to work.

Problem is as the partner of someone with a serious mental health condition he needs time out, down time, routine, sleep, etc as much as you do, even more so really as you can 'wallow' in the illness now and again he is expected to keep going and sort everything.

In truth your DH cant possibly know what is exactky in your head, he cant know how serious it is this time, to him you may sound this serious often even if you dont think you do. Our perception of ourselves is often false.

Also, he is your DH, not your mental health team. I cant think of anyone more supportive, never judgemental etc than my DH, i adore him for it, but I also have to remember he is my DH no my doctor. You can always speak to the crisis team if you are desperate, they will send someone out if you really need it.

You dont have to give your kids your all on days like this, you know that really, put the TV on, chuck some simple food their way now and again and leave them too it, veg out, bugger the housework etc. I find I have to be doing something, browse online or something to stop myself slipping into deep and depressing thought, everyones different, what works for you?

Sorry for the marathon. Hope you're okay OP :)

My sister is coming round but only for an hour. No nursery today for some reason (she's afternoons) and yes, I'm alone. I contacted my volunteer but her daughter is down with chicken pox and I contacted HS about another volunteer but there are none available.

I just feel so completely devastated and alone. It's not right to blame DP because he does a lot for me but this has just overwhelmed me and he left me alone so my mind automatically blames him.

aless - last week you were posting and saying how brilliant he was, how he did everything for you and never got any time for himself.

So presumably this is the medication talking today, in which case you need to see your GP.