To be very upset with DP?

[alessthandomesticgoddess]

DP has college today. He is in one day a week as a part-time electrical student. I am bi polar and on new medication and last night I woke him up at 2am with hallucinations, paranoia and insomnia. He got angry because I woke him up and we had an argument which left me in tears and contemplating suicide. I woke him up again and we had a talk about what was going on in my head but it was more me talking at him as he refused to talk to me. He told me I had to change my ways and I couldn't wake him up all the time.

So, cut to this morning. He made our two pre-school (15 months and 3 years) girls breakfast, went out to get tobacco filters and had a cigarette with me. I told him how I couldn't cope, had a huge headache, felt sick, felt suicidal and begged him to take the day off to help look after the girls as I can't parent alone today. He told me no, told me he loved me and fucked off to college.

Now, my lows are never this desperate. This is the first major suicidal low I've had in years and I ask him jokingly to take the day off a lot but this time he knew I meant it. I was inconsolable last night and this morning, floods of tears and physically shaking and he can't take a day off when it's a normal day with no assessments etc to look after us? I feel awful.

I really hate him right now. He left at 8am and won't be back until 5pm. We have no family in the area who are willing to help out (elderly, mobility issues or damn right selfish idiots), I can't afford to call help in and I just don't know what to do with myself. I've been sick, I have a headache right above my right eyebrow, I can't stop crying and thinking dark thoughts but I still have to get on with it and look after two DC's and give them all I can while he swans off to play with his little friends.

AIBU?

Maybe he was thinkin that with children to look after, your need to nurture and protect them would be stronger than your want to hurt yourself, because no one in their right mind would assume a mother would do anything so damaging to their DC's!

Thanks Baby, I browse Mumsnet or the news on my phone to stop me going completely insane. I've put Pippi Longstockings on Netflix for the girls and they're eating yogurt so that should keep them quiet for a little bit. I'm chain smoking with all the windows and back door open in the kitchen at the back. Smoking helps right now.

I'm trying to keep focused on the children but every few seconds dark thoughts creep in and I think about self harming which I haven't done in months. I just feel helpless and like I've been abandoned to run ship without any knowledge or equipment.

I would never hurt my DC's in any way but I've never been this low before. I've had suicidal thoughts and I've self harmed/overdosed in the past but not tried to actually kill myself since DD1 was born. The problem is, I don't know how low this low will actually go (I smiled writing that - that's something, right?) and I'm scared.

Alibaba He is amazing. He does so much for me and I give him as much time to himself as he wants and I want to give him a break so much. These damn highs and lows, even with Depakote, are trying to break me and I'm just unsure of where to go from here. He is usually so kind and understanding and I think he's reached a bit of a boiling point because the highs and lows have been so extreme lately and are taking their toll on him as well as me.

Please don't think I meant hurt them physically, I never meant that, I meant the damage that could be caused if you - you know!

I get you, Calamity. I'm more worried about the latter too.

I do understand and have been there far too many times. Has this happened before, feeling bad and being on your own with the kids? If so, you're still here, you've done it once, you can do it again, this is nothing you havent experienced before, I know it feels worse right now but its not really, thats the illness. You need to keep focusing on what parts of your thoughts are the disorder and whats real.

Kids screaming at you fighting with each other demanding attention....REAL, throw more food or change channel on the tv

Thinking self harm will help and yor DH is a twat and life is too overwhelming.....NOT REAL, if it was you would have thrown in the towel a few days ago when you didnt feel down. Instead you were posting your dh was a great guy, so this is temp feeling only NOT REAL

He needs time out and will never fully understand. In truth if he always rescued you you will never learn the very valuable coping mechanisms.

What helps you? would getting the kids wrapped up and a long walk so they nap for a couple of hours help?

Smoking is a god send, i know thats un-pc, Im pregnant at mo so not smoking, i know i will cope better when i can escape for my five minutes of peace and have a ciggy. dont worry about chaining today, you can make up for it when the worlds a brighter place again, will only be a day or two max and you will bounce back xx

I know the feeling isn't real as I love and adore him. I plan on spending the rest of my life with him and you're right, if he was a twat I'd hae thrown in the towel years ago.

I had coping mechanisms but I rely on DP far too much now. I need to learn new ways of coping, desperately.

Chain smoking is making me feel dizzy but it's better than suicidal. It gives me something else to focus on.

I've felt low before but not this low which is why I'm so scared. I just got through somehow which I know I'll have to do now but it all seems bleak and a long time away.

I really feel for you op but it might do you good as you HAVE to carry on for your children's sake. If dp was at home what would you be doing? Get in touch with your gp and ask him to put you in touch with people who can support you / someone to talk to that understands.

Dp might of wanted a break from it/ finds it hard to deal with himself.

Yanbu for wanting dp to stay at home

Ring your CPN now. What do you mean 'He has no idea how i'm feeling or if the children are safe.'

I agree with everything that Babydubs says, I don't mean to make you feel bad but people who have a loved one with mental health problems go through tremendous pressure too.

The CPN has a job to do and if it is really that bad then keep ringing them.

I would post this in mental health too because people can be very harsh in AIBU.

I'd be doing all I am right now but I guess I would just feel supervised and supported so if something did take a bad turn I have someone to support the children while I get the help I need. As it goes I have to wrangle the children and discuss my feelings with my CPN at the same time and I forget things or stop mid sentence which is hard for both of our understandings.

He has no mobile bringback so he can't contact me. The state he left me in this morning he has no idea if I've self harmed or if I've gone one step further, if the children are okay etc.

YANBU. My ex used to do this, I think some people don't see mental health problems as being serious like physical illness (he's since taken time off when his new girlfriend has been ill with physical things). He should at least have stayed home until it was time for his course, not gone out with mates even if to study because he can make that up another time. Do you have any cafes with soft play or creches near you at all? It's really hard when you have a toddler though because they do want attention a lot, and so hard when your brain is full of horrible thoughts. Just get through today and when he is home you need to give him a bollocking about your mental health being a real, serious thing that he can't just ignore like that and maybe between you see if you can sort out something for days like this in case it happens again. Good luck getting the meds sorted out, it is horrible I know. xx

I dont think the advice you will get from aibu will help the way you feel atm. Please dont take comments to heart.

I took some of this advice to heart. I really thought I wasn't being unreasonable.