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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Removal of privileges and Homework.

29 replies

KisMittz · 04/03/2012 23:04

DS is 14 and pretty well refuses to do his homework.

I am constant contact with the school.

I try to let him 'manage' it but to him this is simply not doing it. However I find, as his Mum, just sitting back and letting him let it slide very difficult. He had a short English piece to do.

On Tuesday he assured me he would do it on Thursday; Thursday that he would do it at his Dad's; Has not done it at his Dad's; I went up at 8 to remind him, quietly but firmly, and he went in minutes from being chilled out to very annoyed and made every excuse as to why he couldn't do it. He was chatting to mates online, so I stated that I would disconnect the internet to remove distractions.

I did this and he went ballistic and has smashed his room up. (He has anger management problems that we have made enormous progress with, but can flare up). The damage he has done is alarming, and going to be costly Sad.

The whole issue of his anger, and where it comes from is slowly being dealt with, he gets counselling and school support, the emotional issues that are behind his anger I am deeply aware of, and we work on, and the fact that a young man with so much going for him goes to such a place is harrowing.

In my frustration, at not being able to simply get his homework done (what kind of a Mum am I really Sad?) and seeing what he was doing to the house, over what should have been a simple issue, I didn't handle him very well, I generally recognise when he is volatile and know how to 'manage' his mood to avoid nights like tonight.

I had approached him quietly and firmly and he knows I will support him when he does it..

He has to learn that some things in life have to be done. But when faced with this and unable to control his anger ( and to be honest, homework just isn't worth what will be over £100 worth of damage, and that is just for one piece) do I just leave it and accept that 14 years old, he has to make his own choices and face the consequences at school?

If I don't get involved, he quite simply doesn't do any, despite being on Homework referral regularly at school.

Should I just leave it? Or keep trying......

I have a 9 yr old DD who is traumatised by this evening.

Please, I know this is AIBU but I am shell shocked and as much as anything want advice on whether or not I should back away from the whole homework issue.
I feel I have tried everything, from offering incentives, (he has massive self esteem issues, and once the anger subsides, is horrified by his own actions), removal of privileges.. just being practical..

There are a lot of other issues, which are relevant but I am trying not to make this too much of an essay Blush

OP posts:
dandelionss · 04/03/2012 23:07

Don't they put him in detention for not doing his homework?

scarlettsmummy2 · 04/03/2012 23:10

Do you offer to help him with it? As in saying 'let's do it together'? Could it be he just finds it too difficult?

Original poster
KisMittz · 04/03/2012 23:14

Yes, I have always offered to do it with him, and on the occasions he does it, we usually sit together on the sofa, and he will often say that it isn't as bad as he makes out.

And yes, he has to go to homework club at school, which is in his lunch times.

OP posts:
Original poster
KisMittz · 04/03/2012 23:17

I am going to bed, very Sad but input wpuld be appreciated. Thanks x

OP posts:
troisgarcons · 05/03/2012 06:40

It's very difficult.

My eldest loathed school work of any variety (LDS, left barely able to read and write) - I'm afraid I'm with you on the "it just isn't worth it" - the rows and the upsets over homework just affect the whole house hold.

Talk to his Head of Year - explain it is a non starter as it is affecting younger siblings.

Any chance of co-opting his father into managing homework?

dandelionss · 05/03/2012 08:59

could the crux of the problem be he prefers giving up his lunchtimes to do homework than his time at home

Original poster
KisMittz · 05/03/2012 09:29

Maybe yes Dandelionss, perhaps the structure and discipline of the school environment just work for him.

It doesn't seem worth it. He is gutted, and I still feel awful..

It is hard, because my natural instinct is to encourage and support him in doing his homework, so the thought of just leaving it feels wrong, even though it might be the right decision to do so.

The relationship with his Dad is very fragile. I had to call him last night as DS left the house in anger and I was beside myself, I couldn't leave DD, but worried about DD being out and angry.
When Ex arrived he smelt of alcohol. (This is one of the reasons for our split and DS's deep rooted issues). He assured me it was because he had been eating marmite on toast. (I bit the bullet and asked if he had had a drink because if I could smell it, then DS would be able to and he just can't handle it Sad).
DS did later comment that he could smell beer on his Dad's breath. It is likely now that within a short space of time DS will have another melt down.
He doesn't trust his Dad and won't often accept help from him because of this.

OP posts:
gethelp · 05/03/2012 09:36

I am in a similar position, although my son doesn't have behavioural difficulties. He just cannot be bothered to do it. He's not depressed, he doesn't struggle with the work and he's aware of the very real possibility of failure in his exams. It's really demoralising as a parent to see your child not doing their best and having constant conversations with the school about what is happening. I just try to keep a positive approach, don't allow yourself to be drawn into slanging matches and remember that being a teenage boy can be miserable. The only thing that works is me being involved with what he's doing, and giving him good feedback and support. Do you have good chats with him about other things? Do you give him the chance to talk about school and just listen? Sorry it's so miserable, what happened to you would have made me cry.

gethelp · 05/03/2012 09:40

Sorry, just read your post about your ex. What I said isn't helpful. You're having a crap time all round I can see, and you're doing your best to sort it out. Sorry, hope things improve, and I think your right about doing homework at school.

Original poster
KisMittz · 05/03/2012 09:48

gethelp.... we have a fabulous relationship from that point of view, he confides in me, we share common music interests, go out for breakfast together to keep in 'contact'... he will come and sit on my bed just to have a chat and a laugh, and then there's the 'but'.

His anger management has improved enormously, these outbursts could be several times a day, almost every day, 3 years ago, and this is the worst one for quite some time.
I had even recognised that it seemed to be building up and on Thursday we did talk about anything bothering him (and me... we have had a number of problems that I was trying to nip in the bud).

There's the usual teen stuff, he is 'lazy', he lost most of my gardening tools in the woods when his friends and him ransacked the shed..... locked me out and lost my keys (grrrr), bed room's the usual teen pit, and most of this stuff we take in out stride...

OP posts:
RhinosDontEatPancakes · 05/03/2012 09:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

treadwarily · 05/03/2012 09:59

I don't know, it sounds really hard. If you have a close, loving relationship with him it would seem worth putting that ahead of these huge disruptions for the sake of a small amount of homework. But we're not meant to think that, are we, we're meant to be able to get our children to finish their homework.

I agree with the ideas about doing homework at school, at least until his anger management has improved. Clearly there are triggers with feeling powerless (you unplugging him/his dad drinking) but he isn't the boss of your household, you are, and he does need to accept this to a degree.

So in a nutshell, I feel for you and really hope you get some fabulous advice.

gethelp · 05/03/2012 10:12

That's a good relationship you've got with him, hold on to that thought when you're at your wits end. Sorry I can't offer anything to you other than my support.

Original poster
KisMittz · 05/03/2012 10:14

Rhinos... we work together. If it something that is just him being a stroppy teen, he has to amend things by himself, but where it relates to emotional issues, I work with him.
Living in a room that is a reminder of his 'failings' would be counter productive as in his words, he already thinks he is 'shit'. But he will help fill the holes in the plaster, help re paper and re paint the wall, assist in rebuilding the panels in the (period feature) doors panels that he kicked and smashed. Pay for a replacement remote control with his own pocket money, and other things.

I agree with the powerless thing, which is why generally I try to encourage him to 'manage' it himself.

Thank you, I am starting to feel calmer and less helpless.

We had a punch bag that got demolished (wry Smile) Perhaps it is time to replace it.....

OP posts:
Original poster
KisMittz · 05/03/2012 10:15

Thanks gethelp x

OP posts:
Idratherbemuckingout · 05/03/2012 16:09

Can he stay after school until he has done his homework, as well as at lunchtime, so home is just home? That might help him to relax more if he doesn't feel the pressure of having to do something he doesn't want to do. School can just be school, the person making him work can be a teacher or NTA, and you can just be mum. Ask the school.

MrsMagnolia · 05/03/2012 16:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
KisMittz · 05/03/2012 18:48

Have thought about it MrsMagnolia, but although he has been assessed a number of times has only had tenuous 'dx' of low spectrum of a number of things and just feel a bit wary of what we are dealing with, but may post if you think it would be OK.

IdRatherBe, I would like that very much. Not because I do not want the responsibility but because it causes so much disruption for us all.

I took him out for breakfast (he was hyper until 2am this morning and in no fit state for school)
He was very mature, discussed trying a homework plan. I agreed to a graded incentive whilst the plan worked, we discussed what he had to do, but as soon as we were home and reached the agreed time, it was like watching him collapse in on himself.

We have agreed to leave it this week and I will talk to school again. They are fab...
I am just exhausted now.

He was however offered a job this morning Smile....

OP posts:
redexpat · 05/03/2012 18:53

Perhaps reverse the internet situation, so he gets no internet until he has done his homework. Internet as a priviledge not a right.

NarkedPuffin · 05/03/2012 19:09

Sorry, no answers but some questions.

Do you feel he's getting enough support with his anger? Is the counselling frequent enough?
Would it be possible for him learn meditation alongside his counselling (if it wouldn't clash)
Does he have healthy outlets for his anger/stress/anxiety eg the punchbag, running, swimming?
How is he doing in school? Is he getting the grades he's capable of? Is he behind/struggling?
How does he feel about seeing his father? If his anger is tied up with his father's drinking, is it helpful for him to see him?

CrockoDuck · 05/03/2012 19:09

OK...dunno what you'll make of this advice and I expect I'll get flamed by everyone else, but this has worked for me.

Last year I was in exactly the same boat as you. My DS (now 15) didn't have quite the same anger issues as yours, but was every bit as unmotivated. He was late for school every single day, he bunked off at least once a fortnight, he NEVER did his homework, he refused to attend any detentions so got more and more in trouble but didn't seem to care in the slightest.

I tried yelling, reasoning, threatening, confiscated his X-box etc. Nothing worked.

Then I thought...fuck it. I knew he desperately wanted a 3D TV for his room - a big one. So I told him that if he managed a perfect attendance record for the rest of the school year, spent an hour and a half after school doing his homework every day, got up every day on time and without shouting at me he could have his TV.

I really worried that this was terrible parenting so spoke to his head of house, a lovely lady with a son the same age. She was all for the idea and made the point that for some teenagers the idea of hard work being it's own reward just doesn't work - and a little bribery and corruption can go a long way.

I had a glass jar in the kitchen and every week put in £20 towards the TV, and he could see me do it. I told him that one slip up and I'd empty the jar and spend the money on shoes for me that he'd have to see me wearing day after day.

And here's the thing - it worked. His attendance went from 85% to 100%, I started getting letters home from his teachers congratulating him on good work and every day he'd sit in the dining room for at least an hour doing his homework. And every Friday evening, after a successful week, he'd see the money go into the jar.

And yes, he got his TV.

Now, the habit of doing his homework has been formed and he plans his evenings around it.

Best thing I ever did.

(Now start shouting at me, people Blush)

PurplePidjin · 05/03/2012 19:21

CrockoDuck, I've used similar systems when I worked in SN education. It's called Applied Behavioral Analysis (ABA) and Jo Frost uses a similar thing on the tellybox Wink

OP could you cut the homework time down, so he does 20 minutes then has a 10 minute break, then 20 more minutes. Set the oven or phone timer so he can track his progress.

Would he accept the idea that the journey home from school is his "afternoon break" and that he has one more "lesson" to do when he gets home? When he's finished some of his homework then he gets changed and it's relaxation time...

Original poster
KisMittz · 05/03/2012 19:34

That will work on just about everything else redexpat, so if I want the recycling done, or his laundry sorting...
But where homework is concerned, it in itself is just a red flag.

In a previous series of homework related outbursts, I had said if he worked with me and we built up a better completion record, he could work to getting something he wanted. But even with that, he doesn't want to.
Up until year 9, we had struggled massively, but still got most homeworks in, done to some level, but since October(ish) he will outright refuse to do pieces.

Something that has come out of today is that he feels he can't 'read', Which needs following up. I got him to read out loud to me, admittedly something that we haven't done for some time, and he did struggle a lot. So for instance he would pronounce Light 'liget'.
Until he started secondary school, he was a book worm..

OP posts:
MrsMagnolia · 05/03/2012 19:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NarkedPuffin · 05/03/2012 19:38

Ah. Sounds like you've cracked it.