Removal of privileges and Homework.

[KisMittz]

DS is 14 and pretty well refuses to do his homework.

I am constant contact with the school.

I try to let him 'manage' it but to him this is simply not doing it. However I find, as his Mum, just sitting back and letting him let it slide very difficult. He had a short English piece to do.

On Tuesday he assured me he would do it on Thursday; Thursday that he would do it at his Dad's; Has not done it at his Dad's; I went up at 8 to remind him, quietly but firmly, and he went in minutes from being chilled out to very annoyed and made every excuse as to why he couldn't do it. He was chatting to mates online, so I stated that I would disconnect the internet to remove distractions.

I did this and he went ballistic and has smashed his room up. (He has anger management problems that we have made enormous progress with, but can flare up). The damage he has done is alarming, and going to be costly .

The whole issue of his anger, and where it comes from is slowly being dealt with, he gets counselling and school support, the emotional issues that are behind his anger I am deeply aware of, and we work on, and the fact that a young man with so much going for him goes to such a place is harrowing.

In my frustration, at not being able to simply get his homework done (what kind of a Mum am I really ?) and seeing what he was doing to the house, over what should have been a simple issue, I didn't handle him very well, I generally recognise when he is volatile and know how to 'manage' his mood to avoid nights like tonight.

I had approached him quietly and firmly and he knows I will support him when he does it..

He has to learn that some things in life have to be done. But when faced with this and unable to control his anger ( and to be honest, homework just isn't worth what will be over £100 worth of damage, and that is just for one piece) do I just leave it and accept that 14 years old, he has to make his own choices and face the consequences at school?

If I don't get involved, he quite simply doesn't do any, despite being on Homework referral regularly at school.

Should I just leave it? Or keep trying......

I have a 9 yr old DD who is traumatised by this evening.

Please, I know this is AIBU but I am shell shocked and as much as anything want advice on whether or not I should back away from the whole homework issue.
I feel I have tried everything, from offering incentives, (he has massive self esteem issues, and once the anger subsides, is horrified by his own actions), removal of privileges.. just being practical..

There are a lot of other issues, which are relevant but I am trying not to make this too much of an essay

Oh dear OP. It sounds really tough. I never did any homework and tbh my parents didn't care. But i was dumb/bright enough to leave school and realise how shite it was out there, working in Sainsbury's at 16 ( i always had to pay rent to my parents and working was not an option - all benefits were taken from my sister when she opted out of working/school). So i went back to college and ended up going to uni at 22.

I just wasn't ready before and no amount of telling me about how hard it is made any difference. The best thing my parents ever did for me was to just leave me to it and trust i was bright enough to come round in the end. If they'd have forced me it would have been much much worse and i probably never would have gone back to education just to spite them.

Good luck

Do you feel he's getting enough support with his anger? Is the counselling frequent enough? ..... No, the support is intermittent, and his counsellors change so no rapport is established and he has massive trust issues, he has been let down by CAMHS, and an SS mentor so simply thinks no one (apart from me) can help. And sometimes I just can't . When he 'sees red' as he did last night, there is very little I can do apart from wait for him to get through it. But it is devastating.

Would it be possible for him learn meditation alongside his counselling (if it wouldn't clash).... That is a great idea, I have worked a little with him, and not thought to try it as a separate 'activity'.

Does he have healthy outlets for his anger/stress/anxiety eg the punchbag, running, swimming?..... He is very active, and out a lot, mostly hates being inside, but struggles with any structured sports, he has tried, so, so many but just gives up.
He admits when he is angry, he 'needs to smash things'. Obviously this needs translating to something acceptable, but it it is how it 'd
feels to him (incidentally, my Dad smashed things when he was angry). We do rough house a lot, which brings a physical outlet and we laugh a lot over it

How is he doing in school? Is he getting the grades he's capable of? Is he behind/struggling?.... He is coasting at school, has so much potential, but they struggle to get him to achieve it. So no, he isn't getting the grades he is capable of.

How does he feel about seeing his father? If his anger is tied up with his father's drinking, is it helpful for him to see him?.... He wants a relationship with his Dad, and it has improved in lots of ways. Although needs 'managing'. DS suffered very badly when his Dad was at home and contact was limited initially, I Know he has not drunk in front of them for over 2 years, and if he does still drink, does it very discretely, but the effect on children is long term and to be fair, mostly his Dad realises this.

CrockoDuck, having been through what we have been, then if that kind of motivation is what it takes to get DS moving in the right direction, then I am prepared to try it. BUT, he had been offered a PSP if we worked together, however when it comes to actually doing it, he will relinquish such an incentive rather than apply himself.

You sound like such a great mum, I hope you realise that. All this work you put in, all this time - he is obviously a great kid who is working hard to make big changes. I take my hat off to parents like you who keep going, keep trying, keep hoping, keep asking for help.
So much is going right, isn't it, so keep doing what you're doing and I agree with the physical outlet and the meditation. Counselling can be helpful but it's not the only way. Some people find art very soothing and looking after their own animal a way of building self esteem.

Given all that, I'd try to focus as much as possible on supporting him with his anger and the problem he's mentioned with reading. The homework is an issue, but if he's bright he will be able to catch up later.

I'd try being polite but relentless persistent with CAHMS and SS, but also try pursuing alternative support for him - I have zero experience in this area but I'd hope there are charitable organisations that may be involved in supporting children with anger problems. It might help him to be involved in activities/therapy with peers who have similar issues - if only to see that he's not alone and there are other people out there who understand how it feels.