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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset at my mum

31 replies

Midnightmoon · 04/03/2012 21:19

My Db rang me this afternoon while Dh was out with Dcs. He rang to tell me that my nanna was in hospital and she didn't have long left I rushed over there but I didn't make it in time. I was compleatly gutted. My nanna has always been there for me and she pretty much raised me when I was little.

Db then took me outside and told me that our nanna had been in hospital since Friday. When he'd got there Friday night and asked my mum where I was my mum said that she had called me but I'd said I was too busy. She hadn't rung me. Then when my nanna took a turn for the worst and Db got to the hospital this afternoon and noticed I wasn't there he asked my mum where I was and she gave him the same excuse. Db thought this wasn't like me so thats when he called me.
I am really upset and also so worried that my nannas died thinking I didn't care ennough to see her.
Me and my mum haven't talked much for the past 2 months but I don't understand why she did it.
Dh has sent the Dc's over to our neighbours/friends house so that we have the house to ourselves.
I understand I'm upset so I could use some advice on what to do next
AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 04/03/2012 21:21

YANBU

Am very sorry for your loss and that your mum didnt call you

Was your falling out a bad one?

Either way, I don't see a valid reason why she shouldn't call you and then lie to your DB

susiedaisy · 04/03/2012 21:22

YANBU whatever issue you and mother have had, not letting you know about your nana was a spiteful mean thing to do and she should feel thoroughly ashamed of herself.
Sorry for your lossSad

bushymcbush · 04/03/2012 21:22

Yanbu.
Not unreasonable at all.
I can't comprehend how a mother could do this to a daughter actually.
So sorry.

PBandJSandwiches · 04/03/2012 21:22

:( Sorry to hear about your nan.

Do you think your mum was jealous of the relationship you had with your nan?

Icelollycraving · 04/03/2012 21:22

Yanbu,not in the least! Poor you. Your Nanna knew how you felt I'm sure,it's what we do in people's lives that counts,not the last few hours. Let your dh look after you.

RandomMess · 04/03/2012 21:24

What is the history between your mum and you, it sounds like your Mum has deliberately done this to either hurt you/hurt your nanna or just to discredit you.

It's awful behaviour and it is completely understandable as to why you are so upset.

desperatenotstupid · 04/03/2012 21:26

So sorry for your loss, maybe your mum wasn't thinking straight, i know it is pretty inexcusable, but i would try and concentrate on your own greif rather than wasting anger on your mum. I don't know, these things mke you think that life is too short for fallings out - i think your mum has behaved disgustingly actually, but i would take this opportunity to talk to her and try and smooth things over. She will know she has done wrong, i wouldnt bother challenging her on it, she will only be defensive and it will achieve nothing.

jaffacake2 · 04/03/2012 21:26

I am so sorry at the loss of your nanna. It sounds as though you had a loving relationship with her and I am sure that she died knowing that you had loved her.
Perhaps you should try talking to your mum about what has happened but maybe wait until your anger has subsided a little otherwise it will be an arguement between you both in a highly emotional state.
Sometimes losing someone you loved shows how short life is and how we must try to put differences aside and stay close to loved ones.You only have one mum and I hope that you will be able to rebuild your relationship.

McHappyPants2012 · 04/03/2012 21:26

I am so sorry for you loss, with my nan she waited until everyone was gone before she passed away.

I am sure your nan knew you loved and cared for her.

Also don't be too hard on your mum, in times like this families need to stick together

boredandrestless · 04/03/2012 21:27

Oh midnightmoon Sad I'm so sorry for your loss.

What your mum did was terrible, pure spite from the sounds of it!

Please don't worry that your nana thought you didn't care, I'm sure she will have known how much you loved her.

Popoozle · 04/03/2012 21:29

YANBU at all. Extremely cruel and unfair of your mum. Is she normally like this? I'm very sorry for your loss though Sad.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDawn · 04/03/2012 21:32

I'm sorry for your loss midnight and I'm sure that your nanna knows how much you cared for and loved her.
I have no idea why your mother would behave the way she has, but try and put her out of your mind for now, and let your DH and DCs comfort you as you mourn for your nanna.

TidyDancer · 04/03/2012 21:33

YANBU.

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

I don't have words for what your mum has done. I just don't.

I'm certain your nana knew you loved her though. Please try not to let those thoughts take over.

Big hug. x

MyLittleMiracle · 04/03/2012 21:34

I am very sorry for your loss. I am trying to put a different perspective to this, but maybe your mum thought it would be too upsetting for you to see your nanna who you were so close to pass away and was more trying to protect you? I dont know the history with your mum BUT sometimes people do things they later regret.

Deep sympathies

Kennyp · 04/03/2012 21:34

My sister didnt tell me when my granny was dying. My mother wouldnt have told me but she didnt want my sister to tell me either. I found out, later, like you, through a distant relative.

Excuse my language, but fucking families.

i am really sorry for your loss. What your mother did was unexcusable, in my book, and i really hope you are getting some support at the moment.

Original poster
Midnightmoon · 04/03/2012 21:37

We fell out over her comments towards me one day, we didn't talk for a few weeks but then we started to build it back up a little and she came round for Dds birthday and said sorry.
She gets like that sometimes and usually she only says sorry when my Db asks her too or if she is drunk. (This time it was Db)

OP posts:
Original poster
Midnightmoon · 04/03/2012 21:40

Kennyp I have my Dh here for support and Mners so I'm well looked after

OP posts:
weegiemum · 04/03/2012 21:40

So sorry to hear about your nana xx

When my Gran died about 3 years ago although I hadn't spoken to my mum in 3 years she made sure I knew via my brother and then my Dad that she was dying and I was able to make that last visit the day before.

No matter how bad things are, these are important messages that must get through and although my mother and I don't get on at all and she even blanked me at gran's funeral, she cared enough that we got to see each other that morning.

Your mum is so beyond out of order on this as to make me speechless!

Cherriesarelovely · 04/03/2012 21:41

I am so sorry to hear about your loss Midnight. I don't blame you at all for feeling really upset that your mum didn't call you. That is just awful. Only you know whether it is worth you trying to talk about this with your mum or not. She doesn't sound like a very reasonable person. Huge hugs to you xxx

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 04/03/2012 21:42

I think your mother has behaved appallingly and if I am honest don't think I would ever forgive mine for doing something like this to me.

She didn't just not call you, she lied about speaking to you and made your brother think that you wouldn't come to the hospital.

She must have known that he would call you himself if she had told him the truth.

But even when she knew your Nanna was getting worse, she lied for a second time to still try and prevent you from seeing your Nanna for the last time while she was alive.

She's deliberately taken that opportunity from you and your Nanna.

In my book that is unforgivable.

I don't know if I would confront her or not. I doubt she will ever tell anybody the reason why she did it. But in your place I think I would find it very hard to forgive her and so even if I did speak to her, I don't think there would be anything she could say that would make me feel she had an acceptable reason to do what she did. The lying, more than anything, would make it impossible for me to forgive her. And if she continued to lie or tried to justify herself or play down what she did it would be impossible.

Of course, nobody really knows what they would do until they are in that position, and you are not me, but that was my gut feeling on how I might react.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. And I am sorry your Mum has done this to you and your Nanna.

diminishedresponsibility · 04/03/2012 21:53

i often tell myself there's always another side to the story, but in this instance I fail to see what could possibly justify your mum's actions.
So sorry for your loss, I don't know you but if you did care deeply about your nanna I'm sure she knew right till the end even if you didn't make it there.

BigGirlInASmallWorld · 04/03/2012 21:58

Not very nice. Your DM could have asked your DB to call you on Friday. Not wanting you to know and telling lies about you is not on. Infact it is disgusting.

All the best x

redwineformethanks · 04/03/2012 22:39

Not good of your Mum to do that. She will have to live with her own conscience on that one, which may be worse than anything you might say to her

I think if you had such a good relationship with your grandmother, she would know how much you cared and loved her. It's also possible that in her last hours, she wasn't very aware of her surroundings anyway

PicaK · 04/03/2012 22:40

I'm so sorry that your nanna has died.

You need to grieve - and anger can sometimes block the grieving process if it takes over. Not seeing her at the end is a loss just in itself - but you need to let yourself be sad about this and not focus on the anger towards your mother. I'm not sure all the people fanning the flames are helping you handle your grief tbh.

This should be a time for reflecting on what you've lost in terms of happy memories and good times. Don't allow what ifs to take time away from thinking about this special lady at this time.

zipzap · 04/03/2012 22:57

Sorry to hear of your loss - it was a horrible thing for your mum to do and at least your dbro did think to tell you and didn't believe your mum.

On a practical note have you asked your mum explicitly about the funeral - could you ask your dbro to let you know details as soon as he finds out? Or can you find out through other means? You don't want your mum to ring up and say the funeral is in half an hour or worse that you've missed it :(