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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is 2.8 too young to send to bed without tea?

71 replies

whenskiesaregrey · 04/03/2012 19:58

Apologies in advance for such a long post about basically a toddler being a pain with his food...

Background... DS has always been an awful eater. He is just so slow, and to be honest, I just don't really know what else I am meant to do now. He is slow no matter what he has for his tea, whether it is a proper dinner or a picky tea. Something he will eat properly (as in less than an hour) one time, will be a nightmare the next time. Nothing seems to work. We have tried sitting with him when he is eating/ eating our dinner at the same time/ eating our dinner in a different room/ cheering and dancing every time he takes a mouthful/ making the food look interesting (cut into shapes, arranged like a face, etc)/ paying no attention to him when he is eating/ giving him small portions/ distracting him while he is eating/ turning it in to a game/ etc. I can't think of anything else now other than taking his food off him and letting him go hungry. Eating time will either go one of two ways. Either he will eat hardly any of it, or he will start to eat okay and then just stop. We have sat for hours trying to entice him to eat. He doesn't have tantrums, he just doesn't want to eat. We can't bribe him with treats, chocolate, sweets, because he is just not bothered about them. Or they might get him to eat one bite, and then the next mouthful is the same all over again. No meal takes less than an hour to eat, even breakfast. Toast this morning took an hour and a half. A banana can take up to an hour. Sandwiches take about an hour and a half. So proper meals are even worse.

So, tonight I made him pizza with a cheese dip. Usually a dip is exciting enough to get him to eat a bit faster. So after an hour, he had had three bites of pizza, and had cheese all in his hair and he was happily sat singing songs and getting the pieces of pizza to dance around the plate. So I asked him to eat hurry up and eat his tea. Previous to this, I had 1. had a bite and said how nice it was, 2. said how exciting his tea looked, 3. fed him two bites of the pizza, 4. asked him to eat his tea numerous times. So I said to him if he didn't start eating his tea, he couldn't have his yoghurt drink he had been asking for. Not bothered. I then said he had five more minutes and tea time would be over. After five minutes I went over and tried to feed him a piece of pizza, and he said 'no mummy, I'm not eating any more.' I said to him if he doesn't try with his tea, then he will have no more food tonight, and no toys after tea. He took one more bite of pizza, and then sat there and refused to eat any more.

So he has gone to bed tonight after eating 4 pieces of pizza and a glass of milk before he went up. And I know he's not that bothered. He was bothered about no toys after tea though. And I have said to him tonight that if he doesn't make any effort with his tea from now on, then he gets no toys after tea and no more food that night.

I don't know what else to do. I feel so bad, because he is 2.8, but I am at my wits end with it. It is every meal time, breakfast, dinner and tea. It takes up huge parts of the day, and I'm at a loss.

AIBU??

OP posts:
cece · 04/03/2012 20:02

Just remove without comment. If he is hungry he will eat it ime. If he says he is hungry later then reoffer his cold dinner. Seems to work for my DS2 who is the same age. If he is hungry he eats it! Also offer smaller portions. Better to eat all of a small portion than hardly anything of a large portion.

Original poster
whenskiesaregrey · 04/03/2012 20:04

At what point do I take the food away though? How long do I leave it?

OP posts:
cece · 04/03/2012 20:05

I take it away once the rest of us have finished and/or he has lost interest in it. I assume he is eating with the rest of the family?

Ilovedaintynuts · 04/03/2012 20:05

OMG are you for real?
You know you are the one with food issues not him?

I really don't know where to start with this. I wish I could prescribe you diazepam over the internet.

Scootergrrrl · 04/03/2012 20:06

You can buy sand timers whcih worked well for us, as a visual reminder time was passing and NO FOOD was being consumed. Go for 15 or 30 minutes and keep reminding him that the sand is nearly gone and dinner will be over.

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 04/03/2012 20:07

Could you use a timer to help your dc visualise that time is of the essence? Mae it clear he has 30 minutes to eAt otherwise that is it, and do this for every meal.

Original poster
whenskiesaregrey · 04/03/2012 20:09

cece yes most of the time he eats with us, unless DH is later home from work.

scooter a timer might be a good idea, I don't know whether he would really understand though? How old are your DC?

OP posts:
SherlockHolmes · 04/03/2012 20:11

Just give him his meal at the same time you have yours. Let him eat what he likes, give him maybe an extra 5 mins after you've finished, then clear the table.

Children will not starve themselves, but are very, very aware of when they are getting attention/controlling their parents...

Always offer food, and don't withold it as a punishment, but let him know that you expect him to eat when you eat.

Lots of children are slow eaters, but an hour is taking the piss.

my2centsis · 04/03/2012 20:11

Reading the opening line I was dead set on coming on here to tell you how UR you are being as he's only little. Dd at that age would deliberately sit at the table making her self dry wretch to the point of vomiting so she didn't have to eat.

The things I can suggest would be

  • sitting him at the table earlier, on his own. You get on with what you need to do, no tv, no attention, no toys. Say he can't get down untill he's eaten x amount. *helping to make dinner with you, if he's helped he may be more excited to eat his creation.
  • do you think he's hungry by tea time?
  • are you giving him anything like milk etc before tea that could be filling him up a little for him to think he doesn't need food?

I feel for you op! Good luck!!

Ps could just be a phase ( as horrible as it might be)

Original poster
whenskiesaregrey · 04/03/2012 20:12

cook yes, I could try this. I think the problem is he is just not bothered. He just sees it as a time where he will sit at the table and chat for a bit, maybe eat a mouthful of food in the meantime, then get back to playing. Do I need to include an incentive for eating within the time on the timer?

OP posts:
Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 04/03/2012 20:12

Ilovedaintynuts, what are you on about??

Casmama · 04/03/2012 20:12

Really constructive Ilovedaintynuts - give yourself a pat on the back for that one!
OP you have my sympathy - I have a ds 2 1/2 who takes forever over his food too and have to agree with take it away when everyone else has finished eating unless they say that they are keen to carry on.

Annunziata · 04/03/2012 20:15

Try not to talk so much about the food, maybe?

Original poster
whenskiesaregrey · 04/03/2012 20:16

Sherlock I agree, one hour is too long! I tell friends, and they say 'oh yes, my DC was fussy etc'. Only when they actually see him eat do they understand!

my2cent I know what you mean. I feel UR doing it. It breaks my heart really. I don't really know if he is hungry at dinner and tea, because tbh it has taken him so long to eat the previous meal, he probably isn't. But for breakfast he must be, and that is the same.

Thank you all for your help.

OP posts:
JiltedJohnsJulie · 04/03/2012 20:17

Could have written most of your post myself with our DD. What we do now, and what seems to work is this.

We all eat together
The food is there for roughly half an hour
When the time is up it just gets removed
We don't comment on how much she has eaten or ask her to eat more
If she's eaten everything she gets a sticker from the special ones she chose herself
If she asks for more food later we reoffer her cold leftovers
If she has eaten all her tea and asks for something later she can have something else.

Before doing this she drove us half crazy but now she eats most nights.

Oh and in answer to your original question, no I don't think he is too young. If he is hungry just give him his tea back.

PattiMayor · 04/03/2012 20:18

I have a 'difficult' eater and I have a time limit - 45 mins. After that it goes in the bin, no comment and no pudding (I don't use pudding as a reward but more on the basis that if he isn't hungry, then he isn't hungry, no matter what the food is).

You can get multivitamin gummi bears from boots which at least means they're getting their RDA, even if they only eat two mouthfuls

VelmaDaphne · 04/03/2012 20:19

What is his weight like? Is he underweight? Does he want snacks in between meals? Does he have lots of milk?

Tee2072 · 04/03/2012 20:19

Honestly, stop fretting about it. Stop making a production of it. Set the food in front of him. When you're done eating, if he's not eating, he's done eating. If he's still nibbling, let him nibble for a few minutes more and then take his plate.

He won't starve.

HSMM · 04/03/2012 20:22

I agree with cece. Get him to eat with the family when possible. Remove his food to the fridge at the end of the meal and offer him the same plate later if he is still hungry, without any fuss.

Try not to talk about the food at all over dinner, talk about your day, family plans, etc.

He is probably too focussed on the food and the attention it is getting now and you need to try and break that cycle.

Like SherlockHolmes said, children rarely starve themselves.

HSMM · 04/03/2012 20:23

cross post with Tee :)

FootprintsInTheSnow · 04/03/2012 20:24

Well - I came on this thread to say YABU - assuming it was a punishment scenario.

Choosing not to finish palatable food is entirely different - and I honestly don't think you should feel bad about it.

a) Toddlers have small tummies - and can often seem to survive on fresh air and sunshine
b) The alternative is where madness lies - whether it is getting very upset with him, or making endless alternative dinners and ending up with a child who expects spaghetti hoops for every meal.

The way I see it, my 'job' is just to provide a certain number of meals in a day, which are nutritious and accessible (e.g. today we had curry, and I served steamed green beans on the side, and served the curry not on top of the rice, so that he could eat rice and green beans if he was feeling in the mood to be fussy about 'sloppy' food). It's not constructive to watch every mouthful and get wound up - no more so than I would appreciate the chef coming out in a restaurant and wringing his hands if I didn;t eat enough.

Yesmynameis · 04/03/2012 20:26

With my DD, although admittedly she's younger, once she's indicated that she's had enough we take her food away no problem. We never try to encourage or bribe her to eat more than she wants, she gets offered the one meal and she either eats it or she doesn't. My only rule is that I don't offer alternatives. She can have whats on offer and that's it.

Sometimes she's eaten precious little, but it's no big deal in our house I just thought it was par for the course. I've never really worried about it to be honest.

If she finishes before us, she still has to wait for us to finish our dinner before she can have some fruit or yoghurt or something. Usually we finish before she does, but once she's let us know she's finished then she's finished and thats fine.

You haven't sent him to bed without his tea.... He's eaten as much as he wanted and then gone to bed. Some pizza and a glass of milk was probably enough for him. That, and he's got you running rings around him which is much more fun than eating

ChristmasPlughole · 04/03/2012 20:26

A friend of mine had a fussy eater and went to the doctors. His advice (which worked) was basically 'show no fear'. Offer food. If it's not eaten then take it away with no comment. From an outsiders point of view you are giving your Ds a weapon to beat you with.

Perhaps he could also do with more non food related attention ?

Does he eat OK at grandmas, nursery?

FootprintsInTheSnow · 04/03/2012 20:26

My mum thinks I'm really hard nuts about refusing midnight snacks - btw - but I think that's an important part of them getting used to the 'food happens at mealtimes' message.

MrsMuddyPuddles · 04/03/2012 20:27

Sounds like my dd's eating patterns, except I try not to don't worry about what does and doesn't go down. I read the Baby Led Weaning book when she was tiny and now am brainwashed firmly believe that it's my job to offer a nutritions balanced diet and her job to ignore it and beg for fruit and yoghurt eat it. Basically, the idea is that kids know when they're hungry and what they need (if offered sensible choices like Which fruit, not between fruit and chocolate because duh! ) and if you trust them to pick and choose from what you offer, it'll all balance out.

Aka: you didn't send him to bed without supper. He Just wasn't hungry.