The police can't/won't help so what can I do?

[Downnotout]

Sorry if this is on the wrong thread but I can't find a suitable one.

DDs ex is a very troubled young man, with a difficult background, drugs, burglary, family gang members, violence and drug dealing. When she left him after he had held a knife to her neck ( he was obsessed with machetes) we had to get a harassment warning served as he was phoning every minute and sending hundreds of texts, threatening her, us, my DS etc etc. this was last May.

DD moved on and is now married and living 200 miles away, our relationship is not good but that's a whole other very long thread. At Christmas, out of the blue DS was approached in town by the ex who then tried to bottle him and told him he was going to kill him. A few hours later our cars, parked in our drive behind 6 foot high locked gates, we're smashed up with bricks through the windscreens and all over the bodywork. We were away at the time. We believe that it was also the ex who did this as he lives around the corner, but have no proof.

DD has phoned me this week to say the ex has managed to contact her and is again threatening violence, that he is going to "waste" my DS, and taunting her about the cars being damaged, saying "did your dad like the white golf." (the hire car we got while his was being fixed.) there's much more too and DD has forwarded me all the emails/ messages.

I phoned the police. They aren't interested. They say it's DD who is being threatened, not us, and the police 200 miles away must deal with her complaint. As far as they are concerned no crime has been committed against us and until one is there is nothing they can do. Because there is no proof he did the cars( probably because they didn't even come out to see us when we reported it, just gave us a crime number, ) and because DS wasn't actually assaulted (the bottle missed his face and the ex was pulled off him) they say nothing has happened.

I do understand that. But I thought they at least might have a word with him or offer us some support. DD is safe but we have to put up with him walking past the house every day. He is laughing at us and getting very cocky because he's got away with the cars, I'm afraid what else he might do. He has talked about getting his family over to sort us out. He blames me for splitting him and DD up and talks about me with hatred. We know he is unstable. DD is, I'm afraid quite revelling in the drama of it all, and before you flame me, I just mean she's almost flattered by him still being bothered, she doesn't realise that we are living in fear. I thought it had all died down and gone away, but after these messages I've seen this week I realise he is just as angry now as he was 10 months ago.

I couldn't sleep last night because I heard noises and started thinking about those nutters you read about in the paper, who hold a grudge against their ex's family and end up breaking into their houses- and worse. Ok I know that sounds stupid, but it's how I feel. We are talking about moving, my DH is just as worried as I am.

Suppose I'm just p*ed off that the police aren't any help and won't be any help until someone gets hurt, no matter how much evidence we have that the ex is threatening to do these things.

You poor thing. Have you thought about installing CCTV/Alarms? It might act as a deterrent.

You need to seek legal advice over this. If I remember correctly, it's a criminal offence to put someone in fear of physical harm as it's classed as assault. You do need to put up some CCTV and your daughter needs to contact the Police where she lives. The Police are under a legal duty to act, go to your MP and he'll kick them up the arse big style.

I think you have to go back to the police. Ask for an appointment and go in to speak to them - if they say no, ask to speak to someone else. I've had a problem with being harrassed (nowhere near as serious, just nasty phone calls etc) and the police were really helpful and reassuring in that case - they have a duty to at least keep a file of your concerns on record and to offer advice about what to do if you are contacted by this guy again.

Call me a bit thick here - but your property was smashed up and the police say it's your daughters problem?

Isn't the Ex stalking you all? Stalking is an offence, I thought.

I have some knowledge and I would expect the police to do more. They could possibly issue a harassment warning or criminality notice. They could also give you some crime prevention advice (CCTV might be useful) and put a flag on their command and control system to treat calls to your address as urgent. Your Local Fire Brigade may also be able to take measures to protect your home against arson. I don't want to frighten you and I don't know his history but these things might help you to feel safer.
In order to get the police to show interest I would call them and say you want to see the duty inspector to complain that your report of stalking and harassment hasn't been dealt with properly. It's up to you whether you do in the end make a formal complaint against police but at least you should be able to talk to someone of a higher rank and see what action they can take to deal with this man. Good luck.

We had all this with text threats - with actual threats of 'cutting you open' - the police offered to go and arrest the bloke there and then.

I'd say your son HAS been harassed even if he wasn't assaulted. Might be an avenue to look into with legal advice. I would imagine you might be able to get a harassment order against the ex for your son if nothing else. Your son at least would have a case due to clear threats of violence being made against him - I'm pretty sure you don't have to have much evidence as grounds to get one.

ask for the police complaints process , say you are in fear for your lives and that they have a duty to deal with this

We do have security, alarms, sensors on the doors and windows, security lights. CCTV is something I am looking into. But our house is surrounded by high walls and trees with the house in the middle IYKWIM, so you can get right round it, it's very secluded with no one overlooking the gardens. It makes me feel exposed.

The polices POV was that it was DD who received the threats and as she lives in Cambridge, it's is Cambs police who have to deal with it.

What seems to have fuelled this new anger is DD getting married to someone else. He's basically saying, that could have been him, he knows she still loves him and it's all my fault for splitting them up. He is, IMO quite mad. God knows what he's really capable of when he's high on drugs.

You need to speak to a different police officer.

That's shocking on their part. However there are some truly awful and bone idle police out there, just like in any other profession. Do not accept their stand at present. As others have said, there have been several criminal acts against you.

The threat of a formal complaint should also help to get them to pull their socks up.

No offence because he didn't actually manage to hit your son with the bottle!!! Unbelievable.

Get your DD to have the threats put on file, under her local polce authority.

Go back to the police, however many times it takes, they will do somethng, if only to get rid of you.

Tbh i would lie and say that he was standing outside my property just staring etc, so it could be loosely deemed as threatening beghaviour, because of the actual threats.

Tbey need to take this obsession seriously and you need to tell them that you have reason to believe that he is becoming more and more obsessed and delusional.

Do go back to your local police and ask for either the duty inspector or your neighbourhood inspector. Say you want to make a police complaint and mention stalking. They will see you. Stay calm but persistent. There are some great cops out there and they can help you.

Cameras at the front/side back of your house ASAP. I hope you get the results you need from the police.

The police also said they get lots of complaints about threats made by text, Facebook, etc and they really didn't have time to be dealing with that sort of thing.

Am I also BU to be a bit cross that DD is allowing him to contact her, by not blocking him from everything and also that she is responding to his messages? We have fallen out spectacularly recently but I know she means us no harm. It's just that by getting into conversations with him I think she is stoking the fire and it's us who have to live here.

Also contact the local media and inform them how pathetic the police are being, contact your MP and make sure that the media know the MP has been made aware so they will chase him/her, chasing the police.

How old is your ds? If he's over 16 he has to make the complaint himself-you cannot do it on his behalf.
Similarly, they're quite correct in saying your daughter has to make a complaint to the force in whose area she resides and has received the threats. They will note the complaint and forward details to the force where the male who made the threats resides, for further enquiry.

You're absolutely right to be annoyed at your daughter for "stoking the fire" as you put it. She's an adult and has to take some responsibility for this. There's no point responding to him then complaining about it. Whilst there's no taking away from the fact that the ex is in the wrong, she's not helping matters.

Can you tell I deal with this kind of thing at work ALL. THE. TIME

When DH and I were being harrassed and sent threats the police told us one piece of good advice. You must tell the harrasser to stop contacting you. If they keep contacting you after that, it qualifies as harrassment. It sounds obvious, but it's important to say "STOP". After that, it is crystal clear that the harrasser is going against your wishes and is legally harassing you.

Your DD must not engage with him, she must say clearly "do not contact me again, I do not want you to". Once she has said that, she must keep a diary of any and every piece of contact he makes, direct or indirect.

Also, agree with other posters about MP. You'd be amazed how a letter from an MP can get things moving.

The police should be dealing with this as he has committed a criminal offence against your son (can't tell you what it is but at the very very least it is a common assault which doens't even require touching).

Throwing a curveball here, but you said he lives near you which I assuem you might class in the neighbourhood/locality. Does he own his own property or is he a tenant of a council or a housing association? If it is the latter, get on to them and ask their ASB team if they would consider an anti-social behaviour injunction, with powers of arrest to protect your family.

shesparkles yes DS is 24. dD is 18. She has made a statement to her local police. DS doesn't want to make a complaint because a, he wasn't hurt and b, he doesn't live here either so would be unlucky to bump into the ex again.
I understand the police can't just go and arrest him because I say so, I just hoped they would understand that this isn't just some kids having a fall out and saying "I'm going to get you". I'm scared for my family and my property and to whoever mentioned arson- that's one of my fears. They just didn't take me seriously.

This lad is someone who's uncle was found without a head floating in a river when a drug deal went wrong. That's what his background is and the sort of crime they're involved in. He had to leave his home for fear of the same thing happening to him and he came here. He uses two different names. I know for a fact that he has a machete in the house. That's why I'm so worried.

It doesn't help that the ex walks past the house every day. He has shouted and sworn at DD2 (aged 10!) when she has been out in the garden. I know he knows whether we're in or not and that he pays attention to what car is in the drive. But like the police also said, they can't do anything about someone walking past the house.

I don't know what I expected them to do actually but they made me feel like I was wasting their time.

Thank you maryz. I have just repeated to DD what the police said re her making the complaint, not us, which she has done. I haven't told her how nervous I am because I think she is manipulating the situation as a way of getting attention. You obviously remember previous threads?

I think you need to write a complain about the way things have been handled to a senior police office, chief constable, etc.

If this bloke had to be pulled off your DS then surely that's assult? But your DS would need to make a complaint. Its all well and good DS saying it won't heppen to him again but the damage to your property, etc might. Get a tape by the phone recorder so if he rings and makes any threats or admits to anything then you have proof.

I rememebr your previous situation as well, I always wondered if your DD went through with the wedding.

And if he is making threats can you not get some sort of order saying he can't come within X feet of your house, etc? I wonder if your local police have a specialist Domestic Violence dept if they might be able to advise better. They should have good knowledge of such situations.