The police can't/won't help so what can I do?

[Downnotout]

Sorry if this is on the wrong thread but I can't find a suitable one.

DDs ex is a very troubled young man, with a difficult background, drugs, burglary, family gang members, violence and drug dealing. When she left him after he had held a knife to her neck ( he was obsessed with machetes) we had to get a harassment warning served as he was phoning every minute and sending hundreds of texts, threatening her, us, my DS etc etc. this was last May.

DD moved on and is now married and living 200 miles away, our relationship is not good but that's a whole other very long thread. At Christmas, out of the blue DS was approached in town by the ex who then tried to bottle him and told him he was going to kill him. A few hours later our cars, parked in our drive behind 6 foot high locked gates, we're smashed up with bricks through the windscreens and all over the bodywork. We were away at the time. We believe that it was also the ex who did this as he lives around the corner, but have no proof.

DD has phoned me this week to say the ex has managed to contact her and is again threatening violence, that he is going to "waste" my DS, and taunting her about the cars being damaged, saying "did your dad like the white golf." (the hire car we got while his was being fixed.) there's much more too and DD has forwarded me all the emails/ messages.

I phoned the police. They aren't interested. They say it's DD who is being threatened, not us, and the police 200 miles away must deal with her complaint. As far as they are concerned no crime has been committed against us and until one is there is nothing they can do. Because there is no proof he did the cars( probably because they didn't even come out to see us when we reported it, just gave us a crime number, ) and because DS wasn't actually assaulted (the bottle missed his face and the ex was pulled off him) they say nothing has happened.

I do understand that. But I thought they at least might have a word with him or offer us some support. DD is safe but we have to put up with him walking past the house every day. He is laughing at us and getting very cocky because he's got away with the cars, I'm afraid what else he might do. He has talked about getting his family over to sort us out. He blames me for splitting him and DD up and talks about me with hatred. We know he is unstable. DD is, I'm afraid quite revelling in the drama of it all, and before you flame me, I just mean she's almost flattered by him still being bothered, she doesn't realise that we are living in fear. I thought it had all died down and gone away, but after these messages I've seen this week I realise he is just as angry now as he was 10 months ago.

I couldn't sleep last night because I heard noises and started thinking about those nutters you read about in the paper, who hold a grudge against their ex's family and end up breaking into their houses- and worse. Ok I know that sounds stupid, but it's how I feel. We are talking about moving, my DH is just as worried as I am.

Suppose I'm just p*ed off that the police aren't any help and won't be any help until someone gets hurt, no matter how much evidence we have that the ex is threatening to do these things.

I also would go back to the police. Agree with the advice of tell him not to contact you again and treat everything after that as harrassment.

I was threatened by somebody recently, the police told me a lot of these things are in the wording so say "There is someone at my door who has threatened me before and I'm afraid they might hurt me" rather than "someone is outside, can you make them go away" and one person's "knocking on the door" is another person's "banging on the door" IYSWIM

yes the distance makes things easier. I can speak to her calmly now but DD2 still won't talk to her. Yes they went through with the wedding and have their married quarters. There is no baby of course. DD has a job so it's good she is making an effort. The bank of mum and dad is closed ( but we are still paying the rent on the other house, and the bloody college fees!)

It feels like we are dealing with the fall out from her last relationship and the current one and, as ever, there's a fair bit of trying to manipulate the situation going on, as you can see. We are a long way from reconciliation and if she stirs up this particular hornets nest and anything serious does happen, I'm afraid I will never forgive her. But heyho, that was the other thread and it was exhausting.

I don't believe the police really said that. It can't be how the law is!

Someone has wrecked your cars and threatened your son, forget the ex factor. They are crimes and need to be dealt with as such.

That is awful. It is a crime to 'use threating/insulting words or behaviour that is intended to cause intimidation or fear of violence' or something like that. It is your right to feel safe and protected from fear of harm, and this should be taken seriously, do that if it happens again you have evidence nd proper legal grounds to apply for a restraining order yourselves to protect you nd your family.

When we rang the police, from abroad, to report the cars, they would not send anyone to fingerprint the car or even take a statement or investigate, even though I told them my suspicions. They weren't interested that we were out of the country and that I was concerned as to whether anyone had tried to get into the house. They would not even do a drive past.

Therefore it is just a crime number and they have no details other than we reported a car being vandalised. (and by vandalised I am talking over £10000 worth of damage, not just a scratch or two.)

As I have not been threatened directly, the only person who is a victim is my DD. even though he has not threatened her, but talks of threats towards us, we, it seems, are not regarded as being in danger. That, unbelievably, is what the law says.

The cars issue was dealt with by way of a Crime number. There us no proof of who did it,those texts he any mean little to a criminal investigation.

Your ds won't make a statement? Then no Crime was committed for the police to work on

The rest is no crime either. The comments in the street etc. The police need to have solid, fact based evidence or the cps throw it out. Money gets wasted.

Your dd sounds as if she is loving all this, and actually, I think SHE is the dangerous one here.

As awful as all of this is, what Lilac says is correct.

There may not be enough evidence to charge him with an offence but that doesn't mean the police can't do anything to try to stop anything further happening. I work in this field so please take my advice and contact them if you are worried.

But it's all aimed at other adults... Not the op?

i remember your post about your daughter aswell. I would be fumming with her for opening up the lines of communication again with someone who is cleary dangerous. Your DD needs to realise the effect this has on her family, as Lilac says I think she is clearly dangerous and loving the attention.

I would want to move aswell, (and don't tell you dd where for your own piece of mind)

Yes. I get it. I'm just feeling vulnerable.

You are right about DD but I don't want to hijack my own thread anymore than I already have by explaining all that. ( and risk being told that her behaviour is probably my fault anyway, toxic parents, toxic children, her reality, my reality...)

Oh god, it's not your fault she is being like this! This could be me, or any of us! My dd loves people with a dangerous streak, she loves drama, all of it! So I could be on a similiar position one day

Take care of yourself and don't take any blame.

I know I'm not to blame, although others might argue that.

It's just I know he did it. I knew it was him at the time but I accepted there was no proof and we let it lie thinking it was a blip and he would go away.

Now I know he's bragging about it and thinks he's got away with it, I'm afraid of what else he will do, particularly as DD has entered into discussions with him. It's all started up again and it's us sat here like sitting ducks. Not DD.

I'm not having a police bashing, they have been very helpful in the past.