Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to dread dinner at mil

56 replies

Cazm2 · 04/03/2012 06:09

Hi all some of you may have seen my other threads.37 weeks preggers at moment due for Sunday dinner at mil but hate it as place not clean and stinks!! Fil passed away 7 half years ago mil has very active social life is always out,is retired also but keeps very busy. Sil lives at home still 27. The house has generally got into a state she has dog and 2 cats but its just not clean and generally very untidy. Last time we ate I had cat hair on my plate!! She now has a litter tray as 1 cat can't be arsed to go out. The house just stinks of animal and I think animal piss. She says she would rather be out than in doing housework! Dh is aware of some of situation and I think tries to say something. I can't say to much to him as feel its quite personal. I dread going there and taking baby once here! Any suggestions??

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 04/03/2012 14:17

Oh god. Here we go again. It's not about the mil being a mil. It's about the mil living in a pretty rank home.

Take her out for lunch instead. What normal person would not enjoy that? Then everybody's happy.

Stop latching on to the mil being a mil. So effing boring.

Aniseeda · 04/03/2012 14:21

I agree, I'd say the same if it was her own mum/sister/best friend. I wouldn't want to eat/spend time in a house where animals were not cleaned up after properly at any time, let alone when I was pregnant.

The only difference is that it might be a bit easier for OP to broach the subject with her own mum.

Dozer · 04/03/2012 14:21

Go, but wear a surgical gloves and mask.

YuleingFanjo · 04/03/2012 14:23

take them out then.

Original poster
Cazm2 · 04/03/2012 14:29

Tbh she doesn't crave company she has always been active and busy. She has lots of friends etc she's not a lonely old widow she can't and never has been bothered about housework or cleaning fine. But I wouldn't go to someone esles house like it but feel cos its mil I should.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cazm2 · 04/03/2012 14:31

Ps my hairdresser who is mobile and does mil has also commented so I know its not just me!

OP posts:
2rebecca · 04/03/2012 14:43

I wouldn't go. I wouldn't be happy if my husband got angry with me when I didn't do what he asked either. She's his mother, he has the obligation to her not you. I would tell him I am willing to invite her round or take her out but not to eat there.

maddening · 04/03/2012 14:51

tell dh she can come to yours and he can cook

Original poster
Cazm2 · 04/03/2012 17:52

I haven't gone today cue much arguing but its a long term issue I need to address somehow especially when baby arrives its not for me to say I am not bringing baby to see you unless you clean up is it?

OP posts:
CremeEggThief · 04/03/2012 19:54

Sorry to hear it caused a row, but I still think you were right not to go. I am disappointed that your DH is not more understanding and supportive of you. Eventually, he will have to raise the issue with his mother and sister, if they ever want to see their grandchild and niece in their house. In the meantime, stick to your guns and don't put yourself and your baby in any situation you aren't happy with.

desperatenotstupid · 04/03/2012 20:05

Been thinking about this thread, and when you live with animals you don't notice the smell, maybe you could say something along the lines of - err, you house smells like the local dogs home, im not saying its dirty or anything, but i would imagine you don't notice it, but coming from a pet free home we really do. Then say something about being worried about the litter trays etc when the baby is born but its pretty easy to put a litter tray out. Thing is, its her house so she can live how she sees fit. Shame that it had to cause a row though, your DH must feel like he is stuck between a rock and a hard place.

G1nger · 04/03/2012 20:12

In all fairness, I can try and try and try to avoid a stray cat hair from getting on my plates... But there's always bloody one.

Original poster
Cazm2 · 04/03/2012 21:02

Thing is the house is dirty its not just smells. The kitchen floor never gets washed. Bathroom is unclean just small basics don't seem to get done

OP posts:
mrsred · 04/03/2012 23:00

I had slightly similar problem, but ILs smoked, rather than had pets, dh was fully supportive, but i wish that we had broached this before ds was born rather than waiting until he had arrived and we attempted a visit to thier garden, when it then rained and left us in tricky situation, which they handled so badly we ended up leaving about a minute after we arrived, my dh and i did have a few arguments, which although weren't directly about this, skirted around the issue and with hindsight i realise it was putting dh in very tricky position, so i told him i wasn't prepared to argue any further, and so even though i would sometimes like to have a discussion to gather his support, i just stand firm in our decision that our ds shouldn't be in smoky enviornments. Interestingly they claim to have stopped smoking in the house, and have apparently cleaned it from head to toe, so all the unpleasantness has meant that our ds now can visit and not be exposed to nasty dirty smoky smells. I'm not certain they would have done this without us taking a firm stance, as they have two other dgc whose mother smokes, so had never been faced with negativity about it.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this, but all i can tell you is when gorgeous, precious little person arrives you will feel even more determined to protect him or her than you do now.

Chandon · 05/03/2012 07:52

mrsred, I was in a similar situation, but did not want to say anything.

So occasionally the DC would be in this really smoky environment and I just "sucked it up".

Until one day when DC had been with PIL all day, and DC had his first asthma attack that evening, probably brought on by the smoke and dust...

God i felt guilty.

Luckily PIL felt VERY guilty, and luckily it was PIL who woke up first when DC asthma attack started.

I wish I had taken a stance like you have.

But I felt too much respect for the older generation if that is possible, maybe a cultural thing? I would not dream of telling my PILs what to do.

Original poster
Cazm2 · 05/03/2012 08:03

Thing is I got made to feel bad as Dh was texting mil all night apologising for me not going I had already sent a message I get made to feel bad when I am the pregnant one! Tbh honest its like it with other issues too. Mil announced at dinner she wants to be told when I go into labour we had already agreed to tell no one. Dh comes home cue another row funny thing is I said this in front of her the other day and she never uttered a word. Arrrgg!

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 05/03/2012 08:50

Don't fel bad caz. Your dh is over reacting.

He needs to put you first. If you want to labour without telling anyone that's your choice. Is he telling you you don't hacve a choice?

fedupofnamechanging · 05/03/2012 09:49

If you tell her you are in labour, she will rock up at the hospital asap.

when I had dc4, my dh, mum and mil sat in the labour ward with me all day while I was in early labour. I didn't have the heart to tell mum and mil to go home - that I was fine with just dh. I was induced, so didn't have the option of not saying, but if you do then I advise you to take it. This is a time when your wishes should come first.

2rebecca · 05/03/2012 10:13

Your husband sounds like the problem here, making a fuss over nothing. Yes he (or you) should have contacted his mother and apologised for you not coming if she was expecting you, preferably in person not this texting crap. That should have been the end of it. Texting all night is just wanting to milk the situation. Why should his mum care that much if you go or not anyway.

2rebecca · 05/03/2012 10:21

I meant over phone by in person. I do think cancelling going to dinner by text is rude and a bit cowardly.

desperatenotstupid · 05/03/2012 10:28

It sounds to me like you just don't like your MIL, you don't want her to know that you are in labour? Whyever not?

Original poster
Cazm2 · 05/03/2012 10:40

I didn't cancel by text. Dh phoned and said I wouldn't be going as it happens I was in bed in afternoon. He then went round anyway. I don't want anyone knowing I am in labour I don't need Dh being constantly texted or called which is what will happen.

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 05/03/2012 10:45

I don't want anyone to know when im in labour either actually. The first time I told relatives and the constant phone calls and texts drive me mad.

And no woman needs to justify why she doesn't want people to know she's in labour. She is after all the one giving birth.

Nothing to do with not liking people.

desperatenotstupid · 05/03/2012 11:06

I suppose you could switch your phones off, but i do take your point about that to be fair.

2rebecca · 05/03/2012 13:45

I wouldn't have let my husband take a mobile phone into the labour suite and would have told him I'd take a female friend or relative if I thought he was going to tell people I was in labour and spend all his time texting rather than looking after me. He has to start prioritising you. He does sound like a sulky teenager who you argue with and nag not your loving partner.

Swipe left for the next trending thread