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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in in thinking that being the national average isn't something that one should aim for?

93 replies

Pusheed · 04/03/2012 00:58

In another thread the OP asked whether DC needed tutoring. Various MNetters posted that the DC was sligtly ahead of the national average for that age group and that the OP shouldn't be worrying.

I want my DCs to go to a good university and from there, to get a good job. That isn't going to happen if they aim to be at the national average.

If you are being operated upon would you be happy with your surgeon being 'average'? If you were a soldier going into battle woul you want your leader to be 'average'? etc etc etc.

There is nothing wrong with being 'average'. We all can't be brain surgeons or nuclear physicists but at the same time why do we have to settle for being average?

OP posts:
HoneyandHaycorns · 04/03/2012 09:50

trills I think the general consensus is that OP is BU. Or at least, that's how I read it! Grin

tigermoll · 04/03/2012 09:53

Let's be honest, - the main factor that will affect your child going to uni will be YOUR ability to pay for it.

So rather than putting your poor little kid under pressure to be academically brilliant, as long as they have the mental wherewithall to scrape together three mediocre A-Levels, and YOU have scraped together thirty grand (or even more by the time your child is old eneough) they can go to uni.

Get saving.

annalovesmrbates · 04/03/2012 09:53

For some children, achieving "average" will be a struggle and they will have to work hard to get there. Not everyone can be brilliant, as parents we should want our children to be happy and achieve their full potential, whatever that may be.

annalovesmrbates · 04/03/2012 09:53

For some children, achieving "average" will be a struggle and they will have to work hard to get there. Not everyone can be brilliant, as parents we should want our children to be happy and achieve their full potential, whatever that may be.

HoneyandHaycorns · 04/03/2012 09:58

Let's be honest, - the main factor that will affect your child going to uni will be YOUR ability to pay for it.

Not strictly true, tigermoll

mercibucket · 04/03/2012 09:59

If you're in for the long haul (post grad) then there's no need to sweat the small stuff (sats) if you've got a child with a certain personality type (anxious, v self critical, hyper competitive). If you push too hard too early, you risk breakdown at the critical teenage/ early adult stage
My opinion, but based on plenty of people I saw at uni

Trills · 04/03/2012 10:02

The general consensus seems to be that the OP is BU

but it's not that she is BU "to think that the national average is not something that one should aim for"

she is BU on another matter entirely! (being apparently "too pushy" with her children and their education)

HoneyandHaycorns · 04/03/2012 10:06

Yes, indeed trills.

callmemrs · 04/03/2012 10:13

Trills- i don't think it's another matter entirely. The ops title says one thing- about aspiring to the national average, which I think we're all agreed is a daft thing to aspire to. The following post is then a crock of shite:

Eg 'would you be happy to be operated on by an average surgeon?' I mean, WTF does that even mean? Does it mean a surgeon who achieved the national average in her exams? Or who achieves the national average in terms of outcomes from surgery?
Well, yea, I would be happy. I've had surgery and for all I know the surgeon might have got national average grades for surgeons. I'm not sure the op knows what average means. There will always be an average, even if standards overall are exceptional.

OP then goes on to tell us what she wants her children to do with their adult lives. Oh dear.

tigermoll · 04/03/2012 10:15

Not strictly true, tigermoll

Possibly I was exagerating for effect Smile

But its a serious point, - from my experience, the majority of kids who went to uni from school went because they had parents who were happy to pay for it.

Trills · 04/03/2012 10:17

I would be happy to be operated on by an average surgeon, but I wouldn't want my surgeon to be one who aspired to being average, I would want to be operated on by a surgeon who tried to be the best surgeon they could possibly be.

tigermoll, I don't know what century or what country you live in but in the UK in the last 20th/early 21st century university is not paid for by parents.

fuzzpig · 04/03/2012 10:18

I just want my DCs to be happy. That does include doing well at school though - school can be horrific if you struggle academically.

Great if they exceed average, if they happen to have a talent for something - but I wouldn't be stressed if they were 'only' average.

Given my own difficulties I'd rather they were socially 'gifted' than academically IYSWIM.

tigermoll · 04/03/2012 10:20

tigermoll, I don't know what century or what country you live in but in the UK in the last 20th/early 21st century university is not paid for by parents.

I live in the UK, now.

So who does usually pay the yearly nine grand tuition fees?

Trills · 04/03/2012 10:21

No-one pays them upfront. You get a loan to pay for them, Which is then taken out of your salary only after you earn £21,000 or above.

Oh, and it's not 9 grand yet, that only starts for courses beginning Sept 2012.

Trills · 04/03/2012 10:22

And you said "the majority of kids who went to uni", suggesting that you were talking about some past experience.

tethersend · 04/03/2012 10:28

OP, you do know that if everyone followed your advice, the best outcome is that the national average goes up, right?

What then?

(Assuming erroneously that the expected level is a national average, of course Wink)

Trills · 04/03/2012 10:46

If everyone aspired to only hit the average, the average would go down (because some people wouldn't be able to make it, but anyone who coould achieve more than the average would only hit the average)

tethersend · 04/03/2012 10:49

Well, it's a good job I'm not a statistician.

I think, in some small way, I've proved my point.

callmemrs · 04/03/2012 10:52

Well, I have yet to meet anyone who says 'I aspire to be average as a surgeon/ lawyer/ in my exams/ in my relationships!'

So I think it's a pretty irrelevant point.

Sadly, some people do say they want their children to go to 'X' university or into 'Y' career' which is quite sad

fatherchewylouis · 04/03/2012 11:01

Depends what their potential is. If a child is super talented in an area (academic or otherwise) then it would seem a waste (for want of a better word) to be happy with achieving average levels. But if someone is never going to be amazing at something then aiming for average is perfectly fine.

No one will be great at everything but most people are really good at something.

I think the problem lies where people focus on super-academic stuff at the expense of other areas where academia may not be the strong point.

I was always super-academic, my husband wasn't but he is much more successful than me because he has other skills that he has worked on that have got him far in life.

It's about accurately recognising areas of strength and weakness and encouraging children accordingly IMO.

megapixels · 04/03/2012 15:33

As Feenie says, it is the expected level. And I think it's a ridiculously low expectation, so purely because of that I would want my children to aim for something higher.

diabolo · 04/03/2012 15:47

What megapixels said. If a child is capable of achieving above the average, then they should be encouraged to do so.

TalkinPeace2 · 04/03/2012 15:55

tigermoll
DH works regularly at univeristies around the country.
The £9k fee is paid up front by the government (PM.DC fucked up the maths there but that's a different story) and the student pays it back at 12% (I think) of salary over the national median (currently £18k) after graduation.
Parents pay nothing towards Uni fees up front.

I was expected to go to an RG Uni. I did. I loved it. But I did not feel supported or respected by my parents.
Even when they took me out for dinner when I passed my ACCA exams they managed to insult me.
So I rebelled. And still in middle age drive my mum up the wall (only a lot deliberate)

OP
You have to realise that your children are each a unique mixture of yours and your DHs genes that neither of you will ever FULLY understand
so you have a genetic duty to support them to do the best they can in what best suits them to fulfil themselves and provide for your grandchildren
grandchildren being the reason humans are programmed to survive beyond fertility
you may not LIKE what they choose, but if you support rather than condemn, they will excel and become above average in their field (even if it is a field of one rather than one thousand)

OriginalJamie · 04/03/2012 15:56

Cory

As is often the case, I so agree with you. Finding that balance is and will continue to be hard, in relation to one of our children. He is not an all rounder like the other, not traditionally academic, but when he is able to pursue his passions, because he does, at 11, have them, I know he'll be a happy fulfilled individual. But I've had to let go of the expectation that he will be, like dh and I, "academic".

I want my DCs to know themselves and to work hard at and for what they want

ILoveDinosaurs · 04/03/2012 16:03

Achieving or 'getting ideas above your station' is frowned on by Brits as a whole.

Why is it that 'swots' get bullied at school. Or people labelled as 'too keen' at work.

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