To think I should talk to DW about housework

[quirkymale]

So Im a DH who has 2 DD's under 5. Both me and DW work.

Right now we seem to be arguing about almost everything. Money is tough, the girls are getting to be quite a handful and stress it at its peak.

Im by no means looking for father of the year but I have always been extremely involved with the kids and the housework. After reading a number of the threads on here it seems that as a male Im in a bit the minority that seem to help out with the household, but lately I feel my DW is taking me for granted.

I cook nearly all the meals, bath and bed both of our children and do all the household chores. My DW decides to watch television and chat to family on the phone while I have to do everything else.

We tend to argue about a number of things but it boils down to me being under appreciated.

Its got to the stage where I cant stand her lazyiness and Im not sure how much I can go on with it all anymore. She has an important portfolio due in work in 2-3weeks and insists she has any time away from work to herslef because she is "stressed".

Any thoughts?

Are you sure she does nothing around the house or do you just feel that you do more than most men?

What do you mean by 'you have to' do it all? Ask her why it's all falling on your shoulders, does she seriously do nothing at all?

As a supportive partner, why don't you give her her two or three weeks to do her portfolio, and then have The Chat.

It seems unfair that you should be doing more than your share, but equally, now doesn't seem the ideal time to bring it up.

Set up a rota for all the jobs and split them 50/50. Then, if DW hasn't done a fair percentage of hers then you can address it. Maybe then split it 60/40 to allow for her presentation etc or vice versa if you have a lot on at work. If she's still lazy then time to sit down and have a frank discussion.

yes, grit your teeth for three weeks, (for everyone's sanity) then have a chat about dividing tasks fairly, don't argue about it, communicate.

Talk to her, it is very easy to fall into these roles. I talk as a lazy cow who will take the piss at every opportunity.

Is there any way you could afford a cleaner?

desperate I talk as a lazy cow who will take the piss at every opportunity.

Me too

What happens if you also have something important on at work op?

And 3 whole weeks for a 'portfolio'

Why are you putting up with it? It doesn't seem very equal.

Its getting to the stage where she can barely carry her own plate into the kitchen. She does help with the kids (we probably are 50-50 looking after DDs) but in terms of housework she doesnt do anything other than washing clothes (which I do sometimes as well).

All tidying, cleaning , cooking, plus the general so called "manly jobs" (her words not mine) such as taking out the rubbish, cleaning the car, doing the gardens and any sort of DIY.

Its not just these 3 weeks, its been ongoing for a while. We have tried the whole "rota" but she complained that her chores and days were always worse than mine .

Sounds like me

I work full time and DH is a childminder and he does everything in the house apart from cooking. And I like it like that and I certainly do appreciate it. Hes so much better at cleaning, washing and ironing I think

But OP you are feeling unappreciated, not good and resentment only brews rows.

It does seem unfair if you both work. Would you consider getting a cleaner to save on arguments?

Well try and do the rota again and let her choose her fair share of the jobs/days (at least she'll be doing something!)

yes, of course i think you should talk to her. if you can't talk to your partner about problems in your relationship then there is something far bigger than the housework going on.

if you think you are being taken for granted then you have to tell her how you feel. it makes no sense to keep it bottled and then brim over with resentment. sit down with her and tell her how you feel. have an idea of what you feel would be a fair split of housework/child related tasks and ask her how she feels the split is between the both of you.

She's pulling a fast one! Is she a MNer too?

lilacwaltz it is probably BECAUSE she is a Mnet!!!

You say money is tough so I doubt you can afford a cleaner. I think you need to address this soon and YANBU. I'm sure you could do with 'me time' as well! Tell her that - if DW has 2 hrs me time, tell her that tomorrow you will be having the same. maybe grit your teeth until her portfolio thing is done, but then you need to tell her how you feel. It's really not fair for one partner to be doing so much more than the other. Good luck x

Is that you Mr Lacey?

if you can, take 3 weeks to write down all the stuff you do. think about the other stuff that might need doing, who organises the bithdays, of children family? bills? finacial planning, cleans the oven, fridge, how much washing does she do? does she clean out the bath when she uses it, hence is contributing to cleaning the bathroom? realistically how often do you do diy? dusting, wiping down paintwork, shopping, planning, putting away, window cleaning, cleaning the sink in the kitchen, scouring the pipes (after paying for mine to be unblocked i remember that) dusting, putting laundry away, ironing, changing the beds. loo cleaning? tidying (takes forever with 2 children)

how much do you do in the garden?

write it all down, you then have the basis for a proper discussion for the equal division of labour.

Well it cant be MrBeyond, he does all that but I'm a SAHM

Here OP, have a

If it's as you say OP, YANBU. But I agree with the others who say wait until she's over the presentation hurdle and then put your case firmly but in terms behaviour rather than interpretation, ie 'When you do X I feel X' rather than 'You always do X, you must really hate me'. Sounds as though there's other stuff simmering under the surface though so good luck.

Rule of thumb; you should both have about the same amount of leisure time. So if she's watching the telly while you're running around cooking and clearing up, then you need to have a word, big time.

(I'm still trying to decide whether 'chatting to family on the phone' is a chore or leisure though. It might depend on your family. )

When you re do the rota, swop tasks every other week/month, so no one gets lumbered with whatever they consider to be the horrible jobs all the time.

My usual advice to someone whose partner doesn't pull their weight, is to stop doing things that benefit the lazy partner - if she never cooks and washes up, then don't make her dinner, for example. But I would advise that after these 3 weeks are up and after you have had a serious chat regarding fair division of labour.

The other thing, is that some people are not compatible in when they think tasks should be carried out. For example, some people like to clear up the kitchen immediately after a meal, whereas others will get around to it, but the next day. Could it be that she thinks you are doing things which are not strictly necessary at that particular time and therefore she views it as your choice to run around when you could be relaxing.

If that is the case, then you both need to compromise a bit, because if you don't you will drive each other batshit crazy.