To feel like everyone else is doing a better job than me and i'm letting myself down...

[MakesCakesWhenStressed]

7 week old baby, needs feeding every 2.5 hours max, so i'm pretty tired, but everyone else sends to be coping ok. He'll only sleep on me, every time I put him back in crib he wakes up within 5 minutes, either crying or sicking up, even though he's swaddled, propped up etc etc

Other mums seem to be getting on with their lives, eating ot, looking after other children, doing house work - i'm barely keeping on top of the laundry. I thought I'd be good at this, I thought I'd cope, but I just want to weep. I'm doing nothing but the bare essentials of feeding and nappies, my son has terriblenappy rash suddenly and cradle cap and this blotchy rash on his cheek which is probably because I don't wash the dribbled milk off often enoughand I just feel like i'm letting him down and this ove thing I always assumed I'd be good at, i'm failing at.

Plus my dh, although doing everything he can, is very absorbed by a vet negative situation with his mother and sisters and I feel like i'm constantly counselling him, even when I want to be sleeping and I just want to be able to vent acd find support, but he's doing everything practical (cooking, shopping, cleaning) plus working ft, plus this in law crap - i'm just being horribly selfish aren't I?

H diow you do this? I thought it was supposed to get easier at 6 weeks? It did get easier just git a little while and now it's so hard again. I just want to make my son happy and comfortable, but he seems so miserable.

Hi MakeCakes, I don't have any advice but didn't want to leave your post unanswered. Gentle un-Mumsnetty hugs xx

oh bless you

It's difficult, when you are in the whirlwind of new baby world

Have you tried a sling for the baby?

The inlaw thing might have to take a back seat for a week or two

You're doing great! That's all there is to it at 7 weeks, feeding, nappies and working out how everyone can get some sleep. Seriously, when the child is 11 you're going to be judging your parenting on issues other than how much laundry you were able to do in the first six months.

First of all congratulations on your new baby!

I think you need to go easy on yourself. Feeding every 2.5 hrs is normal at that age, as is the only sleeping on parent thing. It will pass. My first baby was a terrible sleeper, just as you describe, and my DH is self employed so could only afford to take a week off. It was horrible at times. I felt exactly like you do, marvelled how everyone else was coping with their babies when I was going through hell. It was almost six months before I got myself together enough to get dressed and out of the house before the afternoon.

I now have three children aged 6, 4 and 9months and I cope far better than I ever did with just one. It does get easier, honestly. I was hanging out for the 6 week stage too but babies are not an exact science.

My biggest breakthrough was to stop moaning about how utterly exhausted I was and to deal with it in a more positive way. Looking after a baby is exhausting, it just is. But your baby will grow and should be able to last longer between feeds. It all just takes time.

Meanwhile, find a support group. Breastfeeding groups are brilliant places for a cuppa and a chat/moan/cry about things. Your HV will know. And switch off from as many other things as possible for a while. Get some sleep whenever possible. Turn your phone to silent, switch off the tv, internet etc and just sleep.

Also-don't judge yourself against how others appear to be doing. One thing I know now that I wish I'd known when dd1 was tiny is how good people are at putting on a self preservationist front of cheerfulness or competence. You don't see them behind closed doors. How do I know-I've done it. Been out and about for coffee and lunch, with make up on where at home lurked the piles of washing and unmade bed. Looked really jolly when actually wondering when someone was going to actually find out how rubbish I was at it all. Still am actually....

PS I second the sling idea. Marvellous things.

Its been just 7 weeks of what is after all a huge upheavel in your life !

Don't be so hard on yourself. If you can get away with just concentrating on the baby and taking as much rest as you can - then that is exactly what you should do
You are not being selfish - you have to rely on help and you must never feel like a failure for having to ask.

Yes,..some Mothers sail through it and make it all look easy - but most of us don't !
You could have mild PND,.. but whether you have or not - there is nothing unusual about anything you are saying.
You will not feel like this forever - you will gain confidence and you will do great - so long as you stop beating yourself up and you stop thinking you are being selfish.
Don't waste this special time trying to do anything until you are ready.

It is difficult. Accept that. Keep telling yourself you are doing brilliantly (you are!) and know that it will get easier as LO gets older.

When DS was about that age I felt exactly the same. I barely left the house because the only people I met had 'good' babies and were totally in control (or so I thought, turns out they all thought the same about me!) I chatted to colleagues and thought 'Oh, I wish I was at work, it would be so much easier" I cried all the time. I was often to be found rocking in a corner repeating "I need sleep. I need sleep. I need sleep". If one more fucker had told me to sleep when the baby slept I would probably have lamped them (I couldn't, he would only sleep on me or in his buggy)

DS is now 6 and a half months and an absolute joy to spend time with. I'm still knackered, my house is still messier than it's ever been, my diet is appalling (mmmm cake!), but none of that matters because this wonderful little boy loves me, giggles at me, sticks his tongue out when he's concentrating on something, rolls around the bed like it's the funniest thing ever, watches the world from his buggy with absolute fascination... you get the picture.

until babies are about three months old, they're just not that interesting. I mean, they're gorgeous, and you could spend hours just looking at them, but they don't do much do they? Hopefully when DS is a bit bigger you'll start enjoying it all a bit more and then feel like you're doing a good job.

Some practical ideas... buy a tumble dryer... blanket on the floor next to the washing maching for him to kick around on while you sort washing (ime babies love watching washing machines!)... bouncer in the kitchen so he can watch you prepare food... lie him on towel on the floor of bathroom while you shower... get out in the fresh air every day (in a sling as others have said if DS prefers it to pushchair)... online shopping... slow cooker... and, most importantly, completely ignore all the stuff going on with your ILs. Not worth the energy.

I have a sling. When it works it's brilliant, but when he's not in the mood he screams like he's in hideous agony and it just seems to make things worse

I've tried putting him where I am, but he hates it, except for the 15 minutes every occasional day where he's happy to play in his gym. He won't lie down, he won't sit in his bouncer and he only seems to bloody smile when dh is home

My DD1 was a nightmare for the fist 4-6 months. She had cradle cap, excema, nappy rash, reflux, slow weight gain. She had to be rocked and held for hours. I thought I was a shit mum until I had DD2 who just settled right in, still lots of BF though but thats normal.

Be kind to yourself. Not all babies as easy. My DD1 was a dream from 6-24 months and really not that bad at all compared to some, though we've had our moments. Some easy new borns turn into nightmare toddlers.

If you haven't got a sling get one. It doesn't have to be forever. My DD2 wouldn't go in a pram or her crib (slept with me when she was tiny) then suddenly she was happy to do both at about 3 months.

I didn't find that it got magically easier at 6 weeks with either of my two. But it got easier eventually.

Other people may not be coping as well as you think. I found out that some of my new mum friends really struggled but they hid it and/or I was too wrapped up in my own problems to notice.

In answer to your question YABU. You are doing a brilliant job under trying circumstances.

Please try not to take it so personally. I was in a similar situation and ended up in counselling when DD1 was a year old as I'd convinced myself I was a shit mum.

I have two very happy children to prove I am not and never have been a shit mum. And neither are you.

You are not alone in how you feel - you are overwhelmed - this is normal! Rest with baby and just keep doing what you are doing. Baby needing holding is normal, regular feeding is normal. You are adjusting to a whole new way of living and it is bound to be total madness! Don't be fooled into thinking everyone else copes better. Baby is still so young and going through growth spurts too so just relax and rest with baby and talk to your HV too to explore your feelings and any case of mild pnd. Keep venting too! We all need to!

I felt the same as you after DS was born. A lot of my NCT friends were making it look sooooo easy while I was struggling just like you describe.
I was also sure, before DS was born, that I will be a very good mum and it will all come naturally to me - wasn't even worried. Boy did that change quickly.....

I know it's very hard to take this in from a stranger, but everything you say really is normal and it will pass.
Keep talking to someone about how you feel, and tell your health visitor if you feel depressed.

Hang in there my dear, it will all be fine soon

Hi makes cakes , i remember chatting to you before xmas on otbh. Honestly you're doing really well. It will feel like all you're doing is feeding, nappy changing etc. For first few weeks of dd's life she cried unless she was being held under the armpits and jiggled. I couldn't cuddle her like you see people cradling babies on tv, just had to hold her upright and jiggle. It is bloody hard and you're doing so well. The fact you care about how well you're doing means you're definitely doing well.

It will be difficult if your dp is needing emotional support, I bet you don't have much energy for this and probably need the emotional support yourself. I would suggest talking to your hv about feeling down. Have you got a local children's centre, could you talk to anyone there?

Congratulations in becoming a mum, please be nice to yourself because I remember how lovely you are and this is a stressful time. Don't worry about how other people are coping - sometimes you might see a mother coping amazingly well and doing all sorts but I bet she doesn't feel like that inside. Probably goes home and cries because she's tired and the house is a mess and baby needs feeding again. Having a baby turns your world upside down and it's understandable to feel overwhelmed by it, but please don't hesitate to talk to people if you feel unhappy. Feel free to offload here also

As a side note - I wish I could ignore the in laws, but they're harassing dh with vitriolic phone calls and texts. Joy. Even though he's blocked them from his phone he can't block them from his head space.

On the plus side he is bringing home chocolate and a takeaway, so at least we'll get some time together w/o one of us cooking and i'll get enough sugar to keep going until bed time

Don't worry about dh having to do lots of practical stuff round the house, ok he works full time but you're working more than full time hours so it's only fair to share the load when you're both at home.

For months my dh has had to come home from work, help me with the laundry and evening meal. At first I felt awful because pre birth I had visions of him coming home to a clean house, meal on the table etc, and I just couldn't do it. I was trying to be perfect and nearly made myself ill. Now I realise he doesn't mind and he appreciates I'm working hard in the day. I would advise you to cut corners where ever you can. I've had to buy more convenience food for me and dh because I don't have the time or energy to cook from scratch anymore.

Your baby just wants you all the time. It can feel draining but we'll miss it when they grow up! Forget about the housework, I bet it's not as bad as you think anyway. You say you're barely keeping up with the laundry - well I think that's fucking good going!

Hv only just got rid of me whining on about birth trauma

YABVU it's really bloody hard! Your post could've been written by me exactly two years ago. Honestly. I think we both had/have high needs babies'& high expectations of ourselves & motherhood.

I envied people who seemed able to feed baby & put it down if they wanted. They then seemed to be able to sleep, do excellent cleaning, read a magazine etc. I couldn't, she'd only sleep in me or in moving pram. DH was great but had (sadly still has!) issues which sound v similar to your DH.

Right, it DOES get better, much better, then worse, then even better, then a bit bad, then amazing etc Rollercoaster. In a few short months you will have some days when you feel like supermum, really!

Get through the early stage. Google 4th trimester theory & hold on tight. When your baby is a bit older, try nap nursing (lying on bed feeding until he or you or both fall asleep). This is how dd started taking naps, I'd put pillows either side of her on the bed. Eventually you'll be able to feed & put down in cot for a nap & now my dd is 2 she is blissfully snoring for two hours an afternoon in her big girl bed & has been doing this (in cot until just the other day) for almost a year.

All babies are different hand some o those who you think are doing it 'better' than you YOUR baby & see them fluster

It must get better, there are even pics of me smiling :o & I'm now 37 weeks with number 2, which I swore I'd never ever EVER do. I'm worried again, but this time I know for a fact it'll be hard but worth it & get better.

What the others said :) Its sooo difficult doing it all, especially the first time, especially if theres other stressfull things going on in your life. You are LEARNING! Its not this amazing instintive thing, knowing how to care for a baby. Its a learning curve, and 2nd time around its easier because you know what you're doing - thats how mums of more than one seem to know what theyre doing - because theyve had practice.
I was exhausted with DS1 - for all the reasons you mentioned. I probably had PND too which I ignored and only told DH about because I was too ashamed to tell the HV I hadnt bonded with DS1 at all.
Nothing can prepare you, and every baby is different. Get a sling ( I found the peanut shell was the only thing DS1 would settle in for me - not terribly practical but better than carrying him about) Eat cake. Eat ready meals. You honestly wont have to eat one handed forever! It seems monotonous but it will change. x

What on earth are you trying to do housework for, you nutter? :)

I honestly don't think you ever catch up on the laundry and stuff. DS is 3.4 and Istill find myself sponging down his least disgusting jumper for nursery some mornings. I consider myself caught up if we all have at least one pair of pants. Dontbeat yourself up, you are doing fab. X

I think for the first few months you have to hunker down and go into survival mode. It's shit, with a few lovely moments thrown in. Do try to get out of the house if you can. If DS is having a happy morning, stick him in the buggy or sling and get out to a babygroup or just to the shop. You will feel better once you step outside the door. If he starts crying, just keep walking, he'll cry whether you're at home or not so you might as well be out and about as sitting at home. If you go to a babygroup there will always be people there happy to hold your son while you have a cup of tea. Sometimes just seeing a few different faces can brighten the day and even if you don't end up chatting to anyone, just getting out of the house can break up the day and make it feel shorter.

It is very very early days yet. This part is slow and steep - you and your son are getting to know each other and it's difficult. Blink and a year will have gone by and you'll look at your burly toddler and find it hard to remember the tiny baby he once was.

Watch out for PND. If you're really finding it a grind, and can't muster up energy to get out of the house then it might be time to see the GP.

Oh and I agree with what the others say about housework. My 14 month old DS is having an epic nap at the moment, the house is on the verge of being declared a health hazard and I am studiously ignoring it. Bugger to it, I say, it'll only get dirty again!

Yanbu and you are not alone. Being a mum for the first time is overwhelming and especially if you are still recovering physically and mentally from a difficult birth. It will get easier!

Yanbu and you are not alone. Being a mum for the first time is overwhelming and especially if you are still recovering physically and mentally from a difficult birth. It will get easier!