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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex arranging summer holiday with ds

26 replies

JustOneMoreQuestion · 02/03/2012 12:00

I am taking my 3 dcs on a large extended family holiday in April.

ExP, and father of youngest DC (4) asked yesterday if he could take 4yo away this year "on a plane, somewhere sunny"

ME: yes, give me plenty of notice
Ex: This is your notice
ME: No, I need dates, so I can arrange a trip at the same time with 10yo and 8yo
Ex: You're taking them away? Take 4yo too. Not fair if he misses out on a family holiday, you can't just take two out of three. If you are planning a family holiday, why wouldn't you take him too?!?

The conversation went on, I wondered how he could expect "my" two to stay at home waiting for 4yo to come back from a holiday with his dad, and not have the same number of holidays as their brother?

He has now said he won't take 4yo away, as I "want to split them up for a holiday"

Which scuppers our chances of an extra summer break, I was thinking of Euro Disney - I don't think I could cope taking 3 DCs abroad alone, and the 4yo will not be able to go on things his siblings can enjoy. I just thought ExP taking 4yo away would give us this opportunity we wouldn't normally have, and now he won't take him, it seems, to spite me.
I couldn't ASK him to have 4yo whilst I take the older ones to ED, he'd villify me for leaving lo out!

OP posts:

GrahamTribe · 02/03/2012 12:08

"No you can't take 4yo on holiday as you are incapable of behaving like an adult or negotiating sensible, mutually convenient plans. Come back when you've grown up" should suffice. In future tell the ex that you need a reasonable period of notice for any major plans of this type, state what period of notice that should be in weeks, days or months and make no mention at all of any of your own plans or any details of your private life. If he wants to behave like an immature, controlling knobhead you'll have to treat him like it.

WorraLiberty · 02/03/2012 12:09

Why doesn't he want to take them all?

ChaoticAngel · 02/03/2012 12:11

Presumably because the eldest two are not biologically his Worra, or that's how I read it.

OP maybe you could ask him why is it okay for the 4yr old to go on holiday without his siblings but not the other way round.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 02/03/2012 12:12

He's only dad to one worra.

I think you need to play him at his own game and say he absolutely cannot take him on holiday, then no doubt like most kids he will insist he absolutely must

switchtvoffdosomelessboring · 02/03/2012 12:12

Its quite likely that your exP would be taking your DC out with the school holidays as it will be much cheaper for him. If that's the case then the you couldn't take the older ones away anyway.

I wouldn't get into a debate with your ExP at all, ask him if he wants to take DC away, and what dates - you don't need to mention anything else. If ExP has decided not to bother taking him away at all, well its his loss.

YANBU by thinking you could take the older ones to disney while dc is away. At 10 and 8 they can and want to do lots of things a 4 year old can't do.

WorraLiberty · 02/03/2012 12:13

I know he's only Dad to one but if he's been a Step Dad figure to the older two and he's so hot on not splitting up the siblings for holidays, I wondered why he doesn't want to take them all on his.

Original poster

JustOneMoreQuestion · 02/03/2012 12:19

worra he suggested I was trying to make him take them all by saying the older two should have the same number of holidays as the 4yo.
He balked and said "I can't take all three of them!!!!"

graham you are right, I think I was supposed to get jealous of him taking lo abroad. Me saying "Yes! Take him, I'll have a break myself" has made him completely about turn. DAMMIT!

I just know he will spring a holiday on me so I can't arrange anything for "my" two.

"if me taking him away means he misses out on a holiday with his brother and sister, then I won't bother"

I'm really annoyed, I'd LOVE to take them to EuroDisney (before they get too old!) and I think that their lives have changed so dramatically since 4yo came along, I've had less time, patience, money to do things with them, that I thought this would be a FANTASTIC opportunity for it to be just the three of us again, where they don't have to share me with lo

OP posts:

Trifle · 02/03/2012 12:24

I see where your ex is coming from. He has one child who he has access to and wants to take on holiday. How old are the other two and is their father on the scene. If so, do you make him see his 2 children with the younger one in tow because that's 'fair'.

If you have kids with different dads you have to accept that life isnt always fair.

If your ex said he wanted to take his son to the zoo, would you then feel obliged to take your older children somewhere to 'make up for them missing out'.

If so, I think you are setting yourself up for an extremely expensive life having to always compensate one child or the other.

You all go on holiday as you planned and your ex can take his ds at a later stage and you can either spend quality time with your other children at home or do Euro if you feel morally obliged to do so.

GrahamTribe · 02/03/2012 12:29

He can only spring a holiday upon you if you let him. If you say, fuck off no, that's not convenient, you will need to give me more notice all he can do is bluster and look pretty dumb.

Just this once, invent an "unexpected expense" and tell him that you cn't afford to take the DC to Disney after all. He'll soon give you a date for taking your 4 year old. Then all you need to do is book the holiday and tell neither him nor the DC until you're about to step onto the plane.

mummytime · 02/03/2012 12:32

If one of my kids is away ( say Brownie camp) I may well take the others out somewhere they will enjoy without the missing child. That's life, Trifle.

OP I think you need to stop engaging so much, arrange contact time for the next few months, and ask him to pencil in anty time beyond that which is important to him. To be honest there could be all kids of clashes, so he needs to give you advance notice. What you do with the time is none of his business (within reason).

Original poster

JustOneMoreQuestion · 02/03/2012 12:38

Trifle

He has one child who he has access to and wants to take on holiday

Nobody is trying to stop him.

How old are the other two and is their father on the scene. If so, do you make him see his 2 children with the younger one in tow

No, I don't, ExP would go mental, the first Ex hasn't got a relationship with 4yo, and I'm not expecting ExP to take the older ones either, so that's not at all relevant.

^
If your ex said he wanted to take his son to the zoo, would you then feel obliged to take your older children somewhere to 'make up for them missing out'.^

Yes, I do. Every time. It's not a chore.

OP posts:

Gumby · 02/03/2012 12:42

Could older boys dad take them to euro Disney? That would have nothing to do with 4 yr old's dad

Original poster

JustOneMoreQuestion · 02/03/2012 12:46

Older kids' Dad is a waste of time. He has promised ED (and many, many other things that have never materialised) for years. He'd take them if I went with them, but not on his own..

OP posts:

GrahamTribe · 02/03/2012 12:49

"Could older boys dad take them to euro Disney? That would have nothing to do with 4 yr old's dad"

It has nothing to do with 4yos dad anyway, Gumby! He'd clearly like to have control over this part of the OP's life but it really has nothing do do with him.

altinkum · 02/03/2012 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OhTheConfusion · 02/03/2012 12:57

I realise this is perhaps a compramise too far, however... would your Ex go to ED too and spend time with the 4yo whilst you do the same with older children? Meeting up for a few meals etc?

Original poster

JustOneMoreQuestion · 02/03/2012 13:02

altinkum
we are having a family holiday together.

Ex asked to take 4yo away, I say yes, I'll take older ones somewhere (never mentioned WHERE)
He says "I'm not taking him then"

I think he DOES want to control the situation.

confusion I think your plan would lead to...confusion :)
We've done it before, done things together "for the kids" but then the lines of our relationship have become blurred. I want to keep my distance from him, as we kept to-ing and fro-ing being together then not. I don't want to get back with him again, and a holiday in Paris may just lead to that.

OP posts:

OhTheConfusion · 02/03/2012 13:28

I can understand why.

Your Ex needs to realise he is just that. He has no control over what you do with your time, money or children! Ex's really are a PITA!

Original poster

JustOneMoreQuestion · 02/03/2012 13:55

Ain't that so! :(

OP posts:

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 02/03/2012 14:02

Tbh, I see where your ex is coming from. I wouldn't want my child to miss out on a holiday with his older siblings either. He won't see why his child should miss out just because your older children's father is a bit useless.

If you are already taking all three of them away together, then that is enough for all of them. Your ex can take your 4 yo away at a different time.

pinkappleby · 02/03/2012 14:08

You shouldn't share your plans with your Ex.

However, I can see his point. If he takes his son away he deprives him of a holiday to EuroDisney. My DS would be gutted if his siblings went to EuroDisney and he didn't get to go too. You would be spoiling his holiday with his Dad as he would be thinking of his siblings at EuroDisney without him. I'm not surprised ex has thought sod this, it's too much bother.

Original poster

JustOneMoreQuestion · 02/03/2012 14:11

I'm not denying ds a holiday, we are having one in April.

HOWEVER, if ex takes him away, I will take older two away too, so they aren't having one holiday to their brother's two.

If ex DOESN'T take 4yo away, we aren't having two family holidays. Nobody will be going anywhere!

OP posts:

Moominsarescary · 02/03/2012 14:14

It's non of his business what you do with the other children while he is away with the youngest.

Also he gets a holiday with his dad so he's not exactly missing out if you take the others away. Ds1 has been to Disneyland, Spain and capetown ds2 hasn't. He's 9 and not at all bothered that his brothers been places he hasn't.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 02/03/2012 14:16

Taking the ex out of the equation completely, if you want to take the older ones to EuroDisney and the youngest won't enjoy it, is there anyone else who he would enjoy staying with for a few days? Could he have an 'adventure' with Granny and Grandad while you go to EuroDisney?

silverfrog · 02/03/2012 14:17

I can see your ex's pov on this.

if he takes his ds away, and then you take the older two away too, then the younger one will probably spend a lot of his holiday wishing he was with you and his siblings/wanting to do what you are doing etc. which will spoil ex's holiday time with his ds.

I can see why you are trying to make things equal, but be careful it doesn't come across as you being more interested/involved/loving towards your older 2.

life is not fair and equal. your younger ds has an involved dad who wants to take him away on holiday. don't penalise him because your other ex is not as good a dad to your older two children.

your ex (of your youngest) is not wanting to get into competition with you, and quite rightly.

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