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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wear my wedding ring?

34 replies

andpourmeout · 01/03/2012 22:00

This probably gives too much away so will namechange after this (probably)

I don't believe IABU just that my DMum is an interfering old bag (said with affection obviously - partly) but maybe I am too close too it to see if I truly ABU

I got married very young (3 days after my 18th) and we had 3 DCs in quick succession.
My DH had CF, which is why we married and had DCs young (in itself a feet)
He died at the age of 39.

His wedding ring is tucked away safely awaiting the day that our eldest DS will wear it.
I still wear my wedding and engagement ring.

My DH died now 5 years ago.
As far as I am concerned I put those rings on at 18 and they aren't coming off.

Now maybe perhaps possibly in the future if I meet someone I may change my view but right now and for the forceable future they are staying on my finger.

My DMum has declared that it has been 'long enough' and that it is time for me to 'move on' and that 'no man will look at me with those things on my finger' and the icing on the cake 'you aren't married anymore so it is disrespectful to wear a wedding ring when you aren't even married' and 'it was wrong for you and DH to have DCs when you knew he was going to die, you shouldn't remind them of that by wearing those rings'

Ignoring some of her more barmy (but no less hurtful) things.
Do you find it odd that I still wear my wedding ring and AIBU to continue to wear it?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 01/03/2012 22:03

You wear it for as long as it gives you comfort and don't pay any mind to her whatsoever.

Barmy is putting it mildly Hmm

McHappyPants2012 · 01/03/2012 22:04

YANBU it is up to you if and when to take them off.

sorry for the loss of your husband

annalovesmrbates · 01/03/2012 22:04

No, YANBU. You are still married and it is your choice.

My Auntie wears hers 25+ years after she was widowed. She has had a new partner for many years but he knows he will never replace her husband.

annalovesmrbates · 01/03/2012 22:04

No, YANBU. You are still married and it is your choice.

My Auntie wears hers 25+ years after she was widowed. She has had a new partner for many years but he knows he will never replace her husband.

fiveisanawfullybignumber · 01/03/2012 22:04

I think it's lovely that youstill wear them. Like a link still to your DH. You sound like a caring and loving mum, your mum sounds frankly bonkers, sorry.

SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots · 01/03/2012 22:04

YANBU. Do what you feel is right for you.

minsmum · 01/03/2012 22:05

Not odd at all and you are not being unreasonable. My father died 26 years ago and my mother still wears her rings.

I think maybe your mum just worries about you .

SugarPasteHedgehog · 01/03/2012 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pickgo · 01/03/2012 22:07

YANBU - and I don't find it at all odd. I think it's a nice way to remember your DH and if you want to continue to wear your ring I think that's entirely your decision and no else's business. I can also understand why you married young and had your DCs quickly. Everyone should grab all the life they can - you never know how long you've got.

Is your DM concerned that you are not coping well with bereavement? Do you think that's true? I don't think you ever 'move on' from grief (and perhaps wouldn't want to in any case) but you learn to live with it and it becomes part of your life that you gradually accept and becomes less painful.

LydiaWickham · 01/03/2012 22:08

YANBU - I'll wear my wedding ring until I die, regardless of whether that's before or after DH.

Pseudo341 · 01/03/2012 22:08

Of course you're not being unreasonable, if you want to wear your wedding ring then go ahead and wear it. Your Mum's being very insensitive about it and frankly in your position I'd be telling her very bluntly to shut up and mind her own business (though not that politely).

Bunbaker · 01/03/2012 22:12

I course YANBU. However your mum is. MIL has been married and widowed twice. She still wears both of her wedding rings.

I will always wear mine.

AlbertoFrog · 01/03/2012 22:13

Totally up to you. You take them off when you're ready which may be never.

My brother kept his close to his heart on a strip of leather round his neck.

I think it's lovely that you still want to wear them.

lemniscate · 01/03/2012 22:16

YANBU. Ignore your mother. Wear your rings with pride and lovely memories :)

ReindeerBollocks · 01/03/2012 22:22

YANBU

My MIL kept her wedding ring on for many years after her DH (would have been my FIL) died.

She only took it off when she became engaged (about 15 years later). She actually gave me her original wedding ring when DH and I got married, and I am expected to pass it on to DD.

You should keep it on for as long as you want. Your DH is still very much a part of your life especially with three children around. Take things at your own pace and most importantly don't listen to anyone else telling you how you should feel.

Pozzled · 01/03/2012 22:32

I think the only person able to make that decision is you. If you want to wear the ring, that's fine, there is absolutely no reason not to. Equally, if you ever did decide that the time had come to stop wearing it, that would be fine too. But only if you ever feel that it's right for you.

bubby64 · 01/03/2012 22:51

Keep your rings on as long as you like, itd your choice to continue to show the world you still love and respect you DH, even though he is no longer with you in person, he is still with you in spirit. Also, I think the fact that you married young and had your DC desite knowing your DH might not be around for that long also shwed love and determination to make the most of the hand life delt you, especially as many people with CF do live much longer know than ever before-it was just sadly not to be with your DH, but you were not to know this at the time.
Di what helps you, and tell your DM to bog off!

bubby64 · 01/03/2012 22:52

Oh - just read that back! Sorry about the typos, I hate typing on my phone!!

RevoltingPeasant · 01/03/2012 23:23

YANBU of course. Wear what you like Smile

Can I just say though... the bit about your eldest DS wearing that ring when he is older... you might want to prepare yourself for the possibility that he may not want to. He might want to choose his own matching rings with his DW. Or he might be gay. Or he might just not want to get married. Or not wear a ring. In the gentlest possible way, I am seeing the future AIBU thread: 'MIL insists DH wears his late father's ring but he doesn't want to'....

Original poster
andpourmeout · 02/03/2012 06:25

Thanks, glad my DM is just being barmy.

pickgo think I am doing okay, having the DCs helps. Maybe she is concerned just not very good at showing it.
Reindeer thanks
Revolting if DS didn't want to wear DHs ring that would obviously be his decision but it will be his ring to do with as he wishes, but still his.

OP posts:
StickAForkInMeImDone · 02/03/2012 06:36

Sorry for your loss Sad
I would say continue to wear them for as long as you want to. It is nobody elses business.
If at some point you want to still wear your ring but on a different finger (hope that doesn't sound insensitive) that is ok too. What I mean is, you wear whatever rings you want to on what ever part of your part body that you want to.
I think it is nice that you will give the ring to your DS and he can wear it how he wishes too. My engagement ring was my late mums engagement ring and I love it but I never felt under any pressure to use it as an engagement ring. I just wanted too.

tribpot · 02/03/2012 06:44

In the first place, what on earth has this got to do with your mother?!

In the second, you are a widow (for which I am very sorry) and you are perfectly entitled to wear your wedding ring for as long as you want.

Your mum's comment about 'no man will look at you whilst you are wearing a ring' - well, hopefully in one way that's true. You would hardly want to attract the attentions of some random stranger if said stranger thought you still had a living husband, after all. If and when you are wanting to meet someone else, that might be a different matter, but that is entirely up to you.

As to the fact you are reminding your children of their dad's life by wearing your wedding ring - well (a) I kinda think they already know he was alive anyway and (b) it's a good thing to keep him in their lives. I hardly think it would be better for them, or you, to pretend anything other than he was here, he was their dad, and nothing will ever change that.

RevoltingPeasant · 02/03/2012 07:59

Okay OP - and look, hope my comment wasn't hurtful.

I just said it because my own DM's mum passed on her wedding ring to DM - DM was quite hippyish (it was the 70s Grin) and got married in a registry office wearing black! She has never worn a wedding ring and actually for much of my childhood kept musing about selling her DM's ring, which I always found slightly heartless tbh.

My grandma died when DM was 19 so she has no idea, but much as I love my mum, I always think DGM would have been hurt to know her rings did not mean anything to her daughter.

oldraver · 02/03/2012 12:00

You have to do what you feel is right, no one else should be telling you what they think is the 'correct' thing to do. (I know when it comes to bereavment people seem to have some funny views)

My DH died 12 years ago after being together for 18 years. I used to wear both of our wedding rings but lately just my own as both together tend to rub a little. I am now with someone else and I still; wear my ring...

sparkle12mar08 · 02/03/2012 12:06

Keep them on, take them off - either way it is YOUR decision, not hers. The question you're really asking is how to deal with her, isn't it?