To not want to take DD to XMIL's

[tryingtomakeitwork]

I would really like some impartial views as I can't decide whether I'm being an ungrateful bitch or perfectly reasonable

So my partner and I have recently separated and he has moved back to his mum's (XMIL for ease!). We have a nearly 1yo DD and both of us work FT.

We have been very fortunate in that when I went back to work both my DM and XMIL offered to look after DD between them. XMIL lives in a different part of town.

The arrangement had been that on the day's XMIL looked after DD she would come to us (dropped off by XFIL as she doesn't drive) and would look after DD there. I knew at the time that this wasn't sustainable as it's a long day to be in a tiny flat with not much to do, plus she had to wait for me to come home before XP could drive her back which could sometimes be quite late.

Now we have split XMIL wants to look after DD in her home. I can completely understand this. It does mean though that XP wants me to drop off DD in the morning before work and this is the bit I am not happy about.

To put it into context I live very close to my work. At that time of day it is an hour and a half round trip to drop DD off and get to work for 8.15am. I asked XP to come and collect DD on some days as I knew I would find this difficult to manage and he has gone ballistic saying it's my responsiblity as the primary carer and if I can't cope he'll take DD FT. Obviously I know that's just rubbish to get me to do what he wants.

So here's my questions, Is it reasonable to ask XP to come from XMIL's to pick up DD and then back again and then go to work? (BTW the regular day MIL has DD XP wants DD to stay overnight so they are "his" days IYSWIM)

If not, is it reasonable for me not to want to do it? I am very grateful that XMIL looks after DD and can completely understand she wants to be in her home and have DD dropped off, but if it's not working for me would it be really ungrateful to find alternative childcare arrangements?

I have mentioned this to XP who went mad saying XMIL wants "her" days?

Sorry it's long any advice would be great

If she sees it as her access days you're going to have to keep in mind that if you don't want her to have DD for a day a week in the future, she could apply for visitation rights to maintain the routine, and might well get them, especially if she's been looking after her at her house one day a week.

Honestly, if no one is being flexible on the driving I think you should at least try to organise your own childcare for her. Is there a court order in place with visitation?

I'd look for alternative childcare arrangements. Your XP can arrange visits with his mother during his time with your DD

I'd arrange something else.

Now you have split and are living on a single income, will you get help with paid childcare?

No no court order - the split is very recent (although the relationship had been deteriorating (sp?) for some time). XP and I are (trying!) to sort things informally at the moment and keep on relatively ok terms.

It is literally only the last week she has said she wants DD at her house and I think it's just hit me how difficult it'll be to manage.

Clytaemnestra I think you're right and she see's it as her time with DD rather than childcare? I think both her and XP would see it as stopping her from seeing DD which is not the case at all.

NoOnes funnily enough I have contacted tax credits today and I am now eligible to claim and they mentioned help with paid childcare so potentially yes. I am thinking nursery/childminder locally might be a better solution.

The biggest issue is my own working hours, XP finishes work a lot earlier than me so was always with DD which helped in not putting too much on the GPs but that's not happening now so I am struggling to manage working the hours I do without him at home

I think you might need to take some official advice OP.

These situations can turn nasty very quickly, and you've already said your ex has threatened to go for full custody and "went mad" at you because you have voiced your concerns about how impractical the situation is for you.

I expect you'll get 70% of your childcare covered (depending on how much you earn) so it may not cost a lot to get paid for childcare for a day.

Sounds quite similar to my situation but my XMIL never provided childcare. She and my XFIL do get to spend every other weekend with my DD as XH kind of lives back at home (or at least for the purpose of these weekends he does). Works well all round.

What is the current care split, is it every other weekend and one night in the week? Can you manage nursery hours for drop off/pick up is it just the XMIL day which is the problem?

Basically, AFAIK if you are the primary carer, and it's not actually court mandated access for the XMIL, you don't have to stick to it and can make you own arrangements, there is nothing they can do. If you XP is saying that it IS his access time then he is responsible for fetching and returning your DD.

NoOnes I think you might be right much as I'm trying to avoid that, Xp's temper was one of the main reasons we have split so I suppose I'm still a bit wary about upsetting him, as I was for so long.

Itchy yes I think the situation could work well if we take the "childcare" bit out of the equation if that makes sense?

Clytaemnestra We have agreed that it's every weekend, which works well for both of us as I work Saturdays anyway. Nursery drop off not a problem (if I can get a local one) but pick up might be an issue as I don't really have a "finish" time at work, it's basically you don't leave until everything's done!

But more workable then the current situation I think

Could you either do one journey each on that day, or agree to the overnight changing to the night before?

Well firstly your XMIL has no actual entitlement to contact. Point out that XMIL will have contact with your DD when he does, as he is living with her. I think your position is reasonable given the amount of travelling time.

I think you should say it is too much travelling for both your DD and you. It's a long journey - you would never arrange childcare that far away! Tell him it's just not in your daughter's interests to do this - but bear in mind that will also mean that even if he collected her it still wouldn't be in your DD's interests!

I'd organise childcare closer to your home and work. You may have to speak to your employer about your hours on those days.

I also think you need to see a family solicitor and start mediation asap. This has the potential to get nasty very quickly.

You can find a solicitor specialising in family law here:
www.resolution.org.uk/

Or post in the Legal Matters section if you want to see if there are any recommended by MNetters in your area.

You can find a mediation service here:
www.familymediationhelpline.co.uk/find-service.php

You might find that mediation is helpful if his temper is a problem. They tend to behave a little better when there's a mediator there to cramp their style.

Thanks all. I have spoken to XP who is picking up DD tomorrow but NOT happy about it and can't see it working long term.

The frustrating thing is it's not actually that far away it's just the route and the rush hour traffic that makes it so long.

My DM (who is awesome) has actually offered to come and get DD on those days, wait till traffic has died down and drive DD there! She's really pissed off that XPILs won't come and collect DD but I can understand it, and their journey would be just as long. I have said no to this as I think it's just too much to ask.

I do feel guilty for DD with all the running about so something needs to change - solicitor is a good idea, would that mean a formal arrangement?

olgaga

meet 1/2 way

Fiolondon you're totally right, I felt so sorry for DD the other day when she fell asleep on the way home and was just exhausted and upset. I think taking the mine and XP's relationship out of it and just focussing on DD has got to be the way forward

'Xp's temper was one of the main reasons we have split'

I think that you should get legal advice and work out the financial stuff ( what you'll be entitled to now you're single etc) now.

Narked yes I will.

XP has this "nice guy" persona but I never know quite what will set him off, there are days where he is perfectly reasonable and I can talk to him and days when he's, well, not.

From your post I'm assuming you aren't married but he is the registered father. I think you would be wise to see a solicitor to talk through your position. You may need a formal arrangement about parental responsibility, finance and maintenance for your DD. I think everyone starts off with good intentions for an amicable split but if he starts laying down the law over something like this then it doesn't bode well.

Your child's interests must always come first and what he is suggesting is not only impossible for you, it'll be pretty arduous for her.

Thinking of the future, I do think you will miss out on a lot if you never see your DD at weekends. It might be OK now, but I think your feelings might change in future. When she starts school, you will never have any time with her just relaxing. As she gets older she will have her own social life too - birthday parties, spending time with friends etc. It's something you need to think about.

Now that your circumstances have changed, is there any way you can change your hours or your job so that it is more compatible with being a single parent? I think you're going to have to give that some serious thought.

Olgaga not married. You are right, I already felt before with work that I didn't see much of her but now it's going to be even worse and the thought of her not being with me even for a night is horrible. But I know he needs to spend time with her too.

Work is a whole other story, I wanted to reduce my hours when I was on mat leave but they would not agree to it in my current role so XP and I agreed together I would go back FT (financial reasons mostly) and this was just about doable when we were together.

I do need to change my hours but work are being very inflexible - a bit of a all or nothing situation.

So much to sort out - I don't even know where to start.

Can you apply again in the light of your new circumstances to reduce your hours? Perhaps ask on the basis of a trial period, subject to a review in a few months, to help you during the short-term at least.

As a single parent you might find that tax credits will compensate for some if not most of any drop in salary, which means moving to part-time hours (or a new job) would be more manageable. It would also protect your position as the primary carer. You can check the figures here:
www.hmrc.gov.uk/taxcredits/payments-entitlement/entitlement/question-how-much.htm

This is a useful advice guide with regard to separation for both unmarried and married couples:
www.adviceguide.org.uk/index/your_family/family_index_ew/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Children

You might also want to look at this website, it's a mine of information:
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/index.php

Click on the links to the right of the page - "Free Legal Guides for Women to Download". There is also a link to the telephone advice lines. Take a look, it is useful to do a bit of research and get all your financial info together before you see a solicitor - it saves time, and therefore money!

Am so pleased to hear you can at least rely on your DM for help during this difficult time.

Thanks so much olgaga really appreciate you taking the time to help

Your own mum sounds wonderful-how kind to offer to drop off your dd at xm-i-l's place.