To not want to take DD to XMIL's

[tryingtomakeitwork]

I would really like some impartial views as I can't decide whether I'm being an ungrateful bitch or perfectly reasonable

So my partner and I have recently separated and he has moved back to his mum's (XMIL for ease!). We have a nearly 1yo DD and both of us work FT.

We have been very fortunate in that when I went back to work both my DM and XMIL offered to look after DD between them. XMIL lives in a different part of town.

The arrangement had been that on the day's XMIL looked after DD she would come to us (dropped off by XFIL as she doesn't drive) and would look after DD there. I knew at the time that this wasn't sustainable as it's a long day to be in a tiny flat with not much to do, plus she had to wait for me to come home before XP could drive her back which could sometimes be quite late.

Now we have split XMIL wants to look after DD in her home. I can completely understand this. It does mean though that XP wants me to drop off DD in the morning before work and this is the bit I am not happy about.

To put it into context I live very close to my work. At that time of day it is an hour and a half round trip to drop DD off and get to work for 8.15am. I asked XP to come and collect DD on some days as I knew I would find this difficult to manage and he has gone ballistic saying it's my responsiblity as the primary carer and if I can't cope he'll take DD FT. Obviously I know that's just rubbish to get me to do what he wants.

So here's my questions, Is it reasonable to ask XP to come from XMIL's to pick up DD and then back again and then go to work? (BTW the regular day MIL has DD XP wants DD to stay overnight so they are "his" days IYSWIM)

If not, is it reasonable for me not to want to do it? I am very grateful that XMIL looks after DD and can completely understand she wants to be in her home and have DD dropped off, but if it's not working for me would it be really ungrateful to find alternative childcare arrangements?

I have mentioned this to XP who went mad saying XMIL wants "her" days?

Sorry it's long any advice would be great

I think a nursery would be better as you will always have staff available, if a childminder is too sick to work you will have to make an often urgent change to your childcare, or stay off work yourself to care for your DD.

You can present this entirely reasonably as DD now becoming a toddler and needing to socialise with other children, have a wider range of toys and experiences, and that a change in her care arrangements was always on the cards. I'm sure a solicitor would agree that it would be in the best interests of DD. Personally I think the journey to XMIL's is unreasonable, and it could be asked why XP doesn't find himself somewhere to live closer to his DD to facilitate his contact with her. Although I doubt it would be to your liking having him close by.

Good luck.

I think if you are going to use the reasoning that it is in Childs best interest to socialize with others you will need to send child to nursery rather than go to either grandparent.
If the father has moved out due to relationship breakdown he may have no other option than to live at his mums due to financial constraits at the moment.
By what OP has said it seams that father was very involved during relationship so maybe child could spend more time with father so that time with paternal grandmother falls over time child is with father and time with mother is when mother either pays for childcare or uses maternal grandmother.

Mostly I would consider this fro Childs view. Child is already dealing with a huge change in their routine due to parents break up and no longer seeing dad every day, I would imagine time with either grandparent is both enjoyed and vital to child. Ask your self if you think child would miss the time with paternal grandparent? How would your own mum feel if she was suddenly stopped from looking after her grandchild. I think you risk looking bitter and spiteful if you stop child from seeing grandmother.
I would suggest as you say you are struggling with managing work and child that you look at a child friendly solution where child spends more equal time with both parents and that should resolve the travel issues also

It sounds logistically challenging as it is. If I've understood correctly, you ex has weekends plus one over night and your MIL looks after her two (possibly three days, I'm assuming 2!).

Could your ex have her two nights before and in the middle of your MIL childcare days and perhaps less time at the weekend? That way she would be traveling in the evening possibly in her PJ's ready for bed and the traffic maybe less of a problem.

This might also give you the chance to have three days where you can 'stay till the work is done' and two where you can negotiate to leave on time.

I hope you find an easier solution and your ex can hear and listen!!!

Could you meet your dp or mil half way? Then it will only be a 45 min. round trip?

Latemates, MIL would still see the baby each weekend and any other days the dad has her so neither would miss out. I think a mediator would certainly ask the question about the dad's living arrangements as part of trying to acertain a workable solution for everyone, especially in the light of childcare arrangements. It's not a criticism, just trying to find out how difficult it is transporting the baby in rush hour traffic, PIL's inability to fetch her, dads annoyance at being asked to pick her up in a previous post.

No-one is trying to stop anyone from spending the time with their GD, but the OP has said the previous arrangement would have had to change at some point to take into account playgroup/preschool. And she did mention that staying in a small flat all day with a GM was going to be impractical soon.

That solves the problem for the adults iscream but still leaves DD with the long journeys which OP has said are exhausting her

How long is journey if done not in rush hour?

Could dd stay the night with her dad so she does no travelling until the following night when her dad could bring her home?

Hi all sorry just got back to messages, thanks for all your comments just to answer a few.

XMIL has DD 1 day 1 week, and 2 days the next week, so effectively 3 full days over a fortnight.

Latemates the journey could take about 20-25mins (one way) if no traffic - hence the suggestion above from my DM. So it's not really a long way but it's just the timing.

XP came to collect her this morning at 6.30am - I had to wake her up which I felt awful about but she is staying there tonight and so has only had one journey today.

How would your own mum feel if she was suddenly stopped from looking after her grandchild. I think you risk looking bitter and spiteful if you stop child from seeing grandmother

This is exactly what I'm worried about. I'm worried that it will be seen as now we have split up I don't want XMIL seeing DD which is NOT the case at all. Basically if she lived nearby it wouldn't be an issue.

I think nursery will potentially be the solution aswell as some kind of change in my working pattern which I'm trying to sort out now.

I really don't think you can be accused of trying to stop MIL from seeing your DC if your ex is living with her. He has a lot more contact than a NRP would usually have, and she will have contact all of that time as they will both be with her.

In most divorces the paternal grandparents access to the children is arranged through their son.
The parents need to arrange between them who has the children when and the father then arranges with his parents when he wants to take the kids there within his access time. The fewer people that get involved in child access arrangements the better. Yes paternal grandparents should get to see their grandchildren but they sort it out with their son not their ex DIL, and expecting exDIL to ferry the kids to and from them is unreasonable.
This isn't your problem, it's your exes.

Agree with 2rebecca. It's quite absurd to be talking about "her" contact. She has no right to contact. Contact takes place to ensure the child is able to have a meaningful relationship with the NRP - it's up to him to arrange for his child to see her GPs.

Which, as he is living with them, will cause no difficulty at all!

Let your lovely mum help you out. She'll be glad to do it.

As for your MIL, yes, it's very nice of her to take care of your child, but she has no rights. Absolutely none. It's not as if you are refusing contact, is it? When your child sees your daughter, then your XMIL can, too.

He is being unreasonable, obviously, but I can understand you want to avoid his temper. These men - god, how women have to tiptoe around them. It's disgusting, really.

Its

free childcare, with 1.5 hours driving, plus family goodwill

versus

paid childcare, and a shit load of arguments

how many days are we talking here? 2..3?

I would err to do it for a month or so, then when goodwill back riase the issse, make out its causing work issues and ask for some meeting halfway

I still think its important you keep the extended family and support network

so just seen days, I really think you should do it. whatever issues there are family is soooooo important and god knows come the future ypou will want them onside

some odd views on here, really. I think its far nicer to be with family and go to playgroups/park then spend all day in a nursery with bored 18 year olds

Sorry don't have much advice as such but just wanted to say good luck as sounds like you are having a hard time. I hope you find a solution x

Suggest you use a nursery for nearby reliable childcare and exP can pick up from there as he finishes earlier/not at rush-hour for the 25min drive to his/IL's home on their designated days. It will also reduce face to face contact for you. A Friday night sleepover to Saturday looks a good idea at exP's/IL's, but I do strongly suggest you have a Sunday as a whole day with your dd, otherwise you miss out on all the fun/the days out and just get the morning and evening grind!

The ILs do not have rights to contact, but will be maintaining plenty as exDP lives with them.

The 1.5 hour journey every day sounds far too tiring for a little girl and very impractical when she starts school.

I really wouldn't let him have her all wkend, I think you will really regret it when she is school age. Hw about fri night and Saturday's and he drops her back sat night?

Some really interesting and helpful views on here which have helped me get my head round things.

Imperial my mum is lovely and would be more than happy to help out whenever I just don't want to ask to much of her. As for having to tip toe round him, that is exactly how I've felt for, well, years. As sad and horrible the situation is that our relationship hasn't worked out it's like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It's stressful trying to juggle everything but I feel less stressed than I did with him!

So from reading the posts I think I what I may suggest is the following:
Try to find a nursery for 2 days in the week (including the day that XMIL/DM would have her on alternative week.) Currently every other week my DM is having DD for 3 days which is a lot really and more than I know she wanted to do originally so could position it that way.

That would mean that my DM would have DD 1 day, XMIL would then also have 1 day which would be the day that DD stays overnight (Friday) and XP has her the following day (sat) so she only has to travel one way. This would also make it "fair".

I have a day off in the week and (usually) work on a saturday.

I think then I will take DD to XMIL's on the Friday before work as it's only one day, as porcamiseria says to try to maintain good relations and goodwill.

Sound like a reasonable solution??

Would xmil do the journey once the traffic has died down? If so, could your dm look after said child until then at yours?

Yes, I think it does. Does that mean however that exDP only sees her Fri pm and Sat? Might he kick off about that? One possible solution is as as we've had to do - my exH sees the children Sat but because they are so young he also sees them midweek a couple of times after school on the days I work (he picks them up from nursery/childminder), but he makes the journey to see them after work, takes them to the park/softplay/for tea before dropping them back here at mine for bedtime. Would not have them travelling to his as it makes it far too long a day for them. Things can and no doubt will adjust as they get older.

I think that sounds like a very good solution. Bear in mind that your DD has a lot of growing and changing to do, so it would be wise to try to have a calm discussion (if this is at all possible!) about that with your ex. The truth is a bit of flexibility is required on both sides. A good starting point in all discussions would be to make it clear that this is not about restricting anyone's ability to have contact with your DD, and that her needs must come first.

So there will be times of illness, teething, potty training and all sorts, changes in employment and addresses, all of which will have to be dealt with in terms of the logistics. Ultimately though, it's not about keeping adults happy, its about keeping your DD happy, while ensuring she is able to develop a meaningful relationship with him. That doesn't mean your DD is a possession to be shared "fairly" between you. Parents have responsibilities, not rights.

In the meantime, do plenty of research so that if you do end up in mediation or at a solicitors, you have and idea of what to expect.

Well done!

Thanks all

Have spoken to XP who got on the defensive straight away but I put my reasonable head on and ended up having an ok conversation about it all.

Going to look into nursery for 1 day a week to begin with and take it from there, also talked about XP access in the week and have agreed that.

Thanks so much for helping me get my head straight!

That's really positive. My solicitor, who has her head screwed on, said if the children are young, then little and often is the best scenario re access so midweek contact as well, if it can be done, is better for dcs.

Are you going to get a day at the weekend with her too?