to not know if I should trust my instincts re Fil?

[tofuscramble]

Dh and I have two dcs. Older dd is 3.

Have never really hit it off with fil. He has mental health problems (v bad depression) and a drink problem. For want of a better word, I find him weird. He writes odd poems and stories. Rambles on about nothing. He is completely egocentric and can be foul tempered, nasty and rude.

There is just .... Something about the way he is with dcs, especially dr, that unsettles me. He stares at her. I mean, a lot, as if noone else is there. He harasses her for hugs constantly. Follows her around in a quite needy, desperate way, saying, come and pull my beard! (which is long and straggly and occasionally has food in it!) Has grabbed her and staggered off with her at a party when drunk, she was crying for me but he kept going until I caught up and got him to put her down.

My instincts just tell me that I would never ever leave her alone with him, he just makes mebso uncomfortable. AIBU, should you trust your instincts at times like this?

Yanbu at all.

Of course you should.

If your instincts are saying don't leave her with him, then listen to them.

I wouldn't consider leaving children with someone who had a drink problem anyway, so instinct or not, there'd be no way I'd do it anyway.

Have you mentioned any of this to DH?

YaNbu

YANBU. Trust your instincts. He sounds weird/ drunk/ creepy.

Your instincts are there for a reason. Trust them.

Thanks all. Have addressed it as much.as I can with dh but he adores his dad and gets angry at any suggestion he might not be the perfect grandfather.

YANBU at all

YANBU. Trust your instincts.

So your FIL has mental health issues is egocentric, nasty and rude...of course you should trust your instincts!

It looks like you are just going to have to manage this, be on your guard when he's around your DC but try not to get paranoid or make a big deal of it. How hard this will be will partly depend on how much time you spend with him.

But your DH adores him so he can't be all bad, maybe if you get your DH to talk about why he thinks his Dad is fab it will help you to see it from another perspective?

YADNBU. Trust your instincts, who cares if you are wrong,although I'm sure you're not he sounds very odd! better safe than sorry.

Have you considered he might have some form of dementia or Alzheimers, because his behaviour aside from the drinking could indicate this. It can start in someones' 50's.

I think you should do whatever is needed to keep your DD safe. Perhaps your DH should consider whether he would find his dads behaviour acceptable from someone who wasn't his dad.

My own GF had dementia. He was easily roused to a full blown temper, attempted to hit one of his adult DD's, regularly reduced her to tears, used to bribe his GD to sit on his lap for money(!) In fact both GD's witnessed how horrid he was to their mum. When he went out of that phase he was just creepy and kept calling them by other girls names, would ask why they were in his house! It was all made worse by the fact that they had to have him live with them. And it came out in conversation many years later how much they disliked him, although as children they wouldn't have understood that he was ill, and in those days not much was known about dementia anyway.

My point is that you have a choice, and even if FIL is depressed and a drinker but without dementia I would not trust him with a child. I guess your DD will be very wary of him since the carrying off incident anyway, he must have frightened her very much.

I always go by my gut. You have your instinct for a reason...don't ignore it.

YANBU
Your instincts are there for a reason.

Always go with your instinct.

I second girlywhirly with considering if perhaps it could be dementia or Alzheimer's.

My Grandmother had early onset Alzheimer's, which took a while to diagnose, she never was one of the nicest people to begin with, so the foul, rude and nasty behaviour, was quite 'normal' for Grandma. My DC's were her first Great Grandchildren and she liked them to visit, especially when they were babies, but her behaviour could be very unpredictable, she would accuse them of doing strange things ( which I knew they hadn't ) she was never outrightly unpleasant to them, but bordered on it at times.

I always supervised them closely, mainly because I knew from personal experience that she could say unkind things and I didn't want my children to have to put up with that. After she was diagnosed, it was also discovered she had other mental health issues and as she deteriorated, her behaviour became very unpredictable. I found the situation very difficult, because she did enjoy visits with the children, but as they were still quite young ( my oldest was 6 ) they couldn't really understand why she behaved as she did. My Dad took the decision for me really, when he said he knew I was trying to be a good granddaughter and she enjoyed seeing the children, but I needed to think of what was best for my children.

If your instinct is telling you not to leave your children unsupervised with Grandfather, then I would say follow that instinct. Your children can still have a relationship with their grandfather though, just very heavily supervised and be prepared to intervene when appropriate, so that your children are always safe and not distressed.

Oh my god MY instincts are screaming from hearing that! Of course YANBU. Definitely do not let them be alone with him. That is inappropriate behaviour and is very worrying indeed.

Definitely go with your instincts. I would go so far as removing somone like that from my children's lives completely.

Whether your instintcs are right or wrong you can engineer it so your DCs are not left alone with your FIL. There may be many reasons for his odd behaviour and, if you don't get on with him then your antennae is always going to be on high alert. He may sense this and be trying, in a clumsy, cumbersome, inappropriate (but he doesn't realise it) kind of way to be jokey and jovial and all round embarrassing grandfather.

I would urge you to keep your own counsel regarding suspicions because this kind of thing cannot be unsaid once it has been said. You are already aware your your DH isn't happy with the direction you're going with this. As you can perfectly well keep your children safe, it would be overkill - and potentially disastrous - for you to make any kind of allegation or even imply one.

Keep your DCs with you and go where they go - and step in to back them up if they don't want to pull his beard (which is odd but not what I'd call indicative).

I'd say trust your instincts. You don't have to make an accusation but be wary.

OP of course you should trust your instincts regarding how someone behaves around your child- but I find the implicit association between mental health problems and paedophilia uncomfortable and wrong. Mental health problems like depression don't cause people to abuse children.

Wottinger I don't read it that the OP is saying he could be a paedophile because of his depression at all . Of course you are absolutely right that mental health problems don't = paedophile. I read it that she was adding context, in case his behaviour is explainable by his mental health issues.

OP, trust your instincts.

yellowdinosaur and I said that it is the implicit association between mental health problems- writes poems- rambles on about nothing- OP finds him 'wierd'- something about the way he is with OP's dcs- stares/ too touchy. Not that the OP was saying that, but that the implicit association can be there and is damaging to those with mental health problems

Maybe he sees your dc as the most beautiful people in his big horrid World. He probably loves them very much but shows it in this rather strange way. But, I would still always trust your instincts.

YANBU in the slightest. Go with those instincts.