moving away with my children

[robynwin]

Hi, im after some advice, i live in the north east i have 3 children to two fathers, my first marriage broke down after my husband had an affair, he left and moved in with his new gf, we have 2 children and they have 1 child together now. My last relationship gave me another beautiful child unfortunatley my ex didnt turn out to be very paternal, he resented my children and there father and and along with his family made a divide between my children, i am now in the northeast with no family as my mother passed away and my father and siblings moved, the only thing keeping me here is the fact i have 3 children who need so see there fathers, i am hoping to move to the south to be closer to my family and give my kids a better life, can my exes stop me ? i wont restrict access to the children and am willing to travell wherever possable to allow them access, school holidays, weekends where possable e.t.c, please help x

my eldest is 14 and if he makes the decision to stay with his father i cant force him to leave, hence the reason im willing to do all the travelling, i need to spend time with him too.
they will go to court ltevedallas thats the reason i needed advice, just to know what could happen, thankyou for your comment, my ex husband even agrees with why i need to move he just wont allow mw to take our son (who is 9 and WANTS to move with me )

You are not being selfish but as others have said they can stop you even if that means extreme financial hardship. It happened to me.

Apart from you having family in another place, what is it that you think your children will benefit from if you move? I think I would have to know what sort of opportunities you were talking about when you say that, because extended family is not as important to a child as having easy access to both of their parents. But on balance it could be beneficial to them if you will have a better job etc.

the area is much nicer than where we are now, better job oppertunitys, better ofstead reports from the local schools, i will have a better job, a stable home, a family network.

I doubt you would convince a court that being closer to extended family will be better for the children than being closer to their dads.

If they fight you in court you'll need a far better reason than its a nicer area.

No, this isn't a straightforward move because you will be potentially splitting siblings. This complicates it. Also, your dc have half siblings living with their father as well as a full sibling

The rights are not of the father or you op..... The rights lie with the children. To a relationship with BOTH parents

How is opportunity bigger in the south? For a start, cost of living is higher. Ofsted..... There is a mix of good and bad all over. How will that wash? Job opportunity? Thought you said you had a job to go to?

i do have a job to go to lilac i ment opportunitys for the children, and all i asked for was ADVICE! not a battering!

Re post it in legal. See what the sols think. Advice? But you have made up your mind to go, got a job, housing etc. I don't see what advice is needed..... A few of us have told you it MAY prove difficult..

I dont think your been selfish at all..

I did it to give my kids a better life .. we lived in a small village in the north east and we moved to manchester as my partner was offered a job there. My children were alittle older than yours, youngest was 14-oldest 20, only 2 children choose to move with me 2 oldest were living alone anyways .. ExP is a arsehole anyways and didnt bother with them till we told him we were moving.
Now after 2 years of been here i have 3 of the 4 with me and only the youngest travels to see him during school holidays
My DC's have much more opportunities here to gain a better life for themselves than they did in the North East

I have no idea as to the legalities or morality of doing this but have you really thought about the practicalities and costs of travelling from Norwich to the North East regularly? It will cost you at least a tank of petrol each way or £££ in train fares. You can book months in advance but that ties you down to very specific dates. I know it sounds like a reasonable thing to do so that you'll be "allowed" to move them but please check this before its too late - do you REALLY want to spend a great deal of time and money travelling every few weekends? If I was one of your exes (or their new partners) I might feel a bit resentful if they had to spend £££ on this travelling because you had chosen to move so you will probably do the lions share.

I totally agree with Lilac here

Tbh I think you do need to be happy and think of yourself too. If you really need to move for you then it's what you have to do. I don't think it's selfish.
But... And here's the biggy.

My mum moved us away from my dad. I resented her for ages, I ended up in a very very bad place because of it all. I have a fantastic relationship with my mum now because I understand her reasons as an adult. But as a 10 year old child I did not. It was tough for everyone. Very very tough

YANBU OP. thankfully, the childrens courts do not adopt a policy of forcing errant parents to live within a 10 mile radius of NRPs
You have every right to rebuild your life OP and it is blatantly obvious (apart from to the likes of Fathers for Justice and their ilk) that children will be much happier and secure when their resident parent is happy and secure and living with family support.
You sound as if you have made lots of plans and given lots of thought to the future. Good luck

sapphire I have to live within 10 miles of my ex. I don't think the OP is being unreasonable either providing she allows access etc. I just want her to be prepared for potential difficulties.

Nobody here from fathers for justice....

Hecubas- sorry to hear of your situation. I would've gone loopy if i had to stay where i was, do you have to stay there until your DC are 16?

Yes I do jelly.

I don't think you are being selfish either and I guess it is a really tough call. But like one of the other posters, my mum did this when I was 5...I adored my dad and saw him daily until we moved. I don't think I have ever really forgiven her although I understand it better now. 2 out of the three of us ended up moving back to live with our dad and made our adult lives in the town where we'd been with our dad.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

OP - curious - will you still move south to your family if worse case the courts make the fathers the RP and you the NRP?

OMG Hecubas that's awful!

As others have said - my mum moved us out from our home and 200 miles away from our dad too when i was 11, i didn't want to go, he died 2 years later - so i have experienced it from the childs view 1st hand as well.. I still moved my DSs though, and they're happy.

Blimey Lilac am super impressed at your insider knowledge of all MN posters. can you let us know if anyone from the WI pitches up?

It's tough jelly DH and I both lost out on jobs due to it. Made worse when DH was made redundant and neither of us can find a job here. We also haven't got family support as our family is where we wanted to move to.

I think you ought to stay where you are until your eldest is 18. You will hurt your son immensely if you make him choose between his father (and half sibling) and you. Just hang in there for four more years....

Sorry, I see you have two kids by DH1. In that case, I'd say that you need to stay where you are until your second is at least 18 (i.e. for another 9 years). As for your third, does the father show much interest? Would he put up a fight?

It's a really awful situation, OP, and one that you didn't create (he had the affair) but that's the way the cookie crumbles. Sorry.

You make living like that sound easy trust me it's not.