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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Child Maintenance Payments

31 replies

notenough · 29/02/2012 22:57

Dear All, I am hoping that I can get some intelligent answers to a question. I need to be honest and state I am a man but rather than log on to a male forum site and get a totally one sideed answer I was hoping to get a womans view.
I hope I am not offending anyone but I really need this advice.

My Ex who ended our relationship shortly after our child was born has been receiving 900 pounds a month from me for the last 3 years. I have also been active in buying clothing, food etc for my ex so my child is taken care of.
The 900 was to also cover nursery fees which have now been reduced due to the childs age.
My ex still wants me to pay 900 a month as they are struggling?? I have had to move in with my parents whom I also pay to stay there. My child stays with me every weekend and I feel that my ex is totally taking advantage of me and I am worried that if I either approach the CBA or put my foot down and only pay what I feel is fair my ex will stop me seeing my child.

I know that I only have to pay 15% of my net salary and this would include childcare etc but have always tried to do the best I can for them both which has resulted in me basically working to support my ex and the lifestyle.

Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:

ZXEightyMum · 29/02/2012 23:09

Your Ex has not been receiving £900 a month from you.

Do you think that your child should have a worse lifestyle because your Ex chose to end the relationship for whatever reasons?

Can you genuinely not afford this while living with your parents or are your circumstances about to change?

Is your Ex not also working in and outside of the home to support the child, if nursery fees are needed?

The only advice I can give you is that it is unlikely that contact would be reduced if you work to rule r.e maintenance. They are very separate issues.

WibblyBibble · 29/02/2012 23:14

£900 is an awful lot! How much do you earn? It's good to give more than the minimum because obviously often that isn't enough to really support a child, but it does seem a bit like your ex is taking the piss (and I'm a hardened misandrist so not just saying that because you have a willy).

WorraLiberty · 29/02/2012 23:15

£225 pounds per week does sound an awful lot for one child and I imagine she gets child benefit too?

Having said that, it depends on so many other things.

If you feel you should be paying less and you can't get a place of your own with things the way they are, then yes I'd contact the CSA and see what you can work out.

Gimmeecoffee · 29/02/2012 23:15

£900 a month, she's bloody lucky!!
Is that not alot more than she should get?
Sorry I can't really help as I get £1.50 a week from my dds dads jobseekers..sigh...

uniqueatlast · 29/02/2012 23:15

It's very commendable that you have supported your child so well over the past 3 years but you are entitled to your own life. I fail to see how she can be struggling with that amount.

You can try and reason with her but I think you'll probably have to go down the CSA route. As your child is 3 and been with you so much, they will have strong bonds with you and so I would expect the courts to order that to continue.

You would be best getting advice from a solicitor if you think she'll get nasty but I really think you need to stick to your guns and pay what is fair. Is there a contact order in place or is it informally agreed?

FWIW, our maintenance is at the 15% level and we pay almost a quarter of what you pay!

uniqueatlast · 29/02/2012 23:18

Your Ex has not been receiving £900 a month from you.

Eh? Is this a typo? Why are you disbelieving of him straight away?

HalfPastWine · 29/02/2012 23:19

Perhaps you should take some independant legal advice or contact the CSA. That way they can look at all the circumstances in your particular case. It's difficult to advise when one doesn't have all the facts.

For what it's worth though, I personally think £900 is a lot and you may well be funding her 'lifestyle' as you said.

workshy · 29/02/2012 23:19

ZXEightyMum
he clearly says he has been paying £900 -yes this is for the child but the reality is that it gets paid into RPs bank account and she chooses how to spend it -once money has been handed over you cannot guarantee what it is spent on

notenough
if your contact agreement is informal then there is every possibility that she could reduce contact, bit if you decided to challenge this through the courts then they would take a dim view
do you have evidence that you have been paying this amount as if you went to court for a contact order it is a very good thing
you sound like you have been paying over the odds for a long time -I would go on the CSA calculator, show her how much you should be paying and then let her see what a good thing she has with the reduced amount you are offering her

(and I am a single mum who gets totally stitched up by her ex but hates that some people feel that NRP financial situation is irrelevant)

ohdearwhatdoidonow · 29/02/2012 23:19

Sounds like she's taking you for a ride. Many families live on less that that. Have you thought about maybe going through the CSA and then setting up a savings account for your DC so you are contributing more but in a more "long term" way?

From one who's xh paid £600 in 8 yrs!

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 29/02/2012 23:20

£900 is loads!

I get £200 a month, and I have 2 children. Ex also pays for half of direct child costs though, like school uniform, school trips, extra curricular activities etc, but he writes them a cheque directly and we both prefer it that way because he knows that his money isn't keeping me and so do I. He also used to pay Hal of the nursery fees when our dc went, but that was just ore school.

If you pay nursery childcare, does that mean your ex works too?

I think she is getting more than she needs from you, especially asshe will be able to claim lone parent benefits if she needs to. You should pay less to her and more directly to the actual costs of your child.

starsintheireyes · 29/02/2012 23:22

£900 a month?! from your wages? wow you must have some salary! Im a lp, I think thats a huge amount. Is that figure 15% of your salary?
I think that considering how much you contribute, the amount should be reviewed-if you were paying that figure to cover nursery fees and the fees have reduced its only fair that the figure you pay should also decrease.

Why is it people jump on the "itll be your child that suffers" bandwagon when the fathers still need to live too?! or does it not matter-as long as the chids needs are met, who gives a s88t if the fathers struggling and cant afford stuff himself?

I recommend A) ringing a solicitor for some advice B) contacting the csa and asking them to calculate the figure that should be paid-thatll take into account how many nights a yr you have your child too.

mopbucket · 29/02/2012 23:23

She is doing well my friends ex earns 35k and has child 2 nights per week and pays £30 per week and nothing else no shoes, uniforms or clubs

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 29/02/2012 23:23

Btw,I also think the CSA 15% thing iscrap and should be based ontheactual costs of raising a child, taking into account the fact that one parent often has a reduced earning potential because of having most of the care of a child, but £900 still sounds like a huge amount.

ZXEightyMum · 29/02/2012 23:25

It is a lot but I object to the phrasing. My XH gives me £1.70 per week for my DD and also lives with his parents. He thinks I spend it all on myself Fuck knows what.

My point about ex working too still stands.

And I did give advice about contact and money.

LollyT · 29/02/2012 23:32

Controversial maybe, but if you are buying all those things, plus have your child each weekend...dare I ask why you should pay any maintainance?

Maybe this is my own personal bugbear with ridiculous maintenance

ZXEightyMum · 29/02/2012 23:35

Why did you need to qualify your opening post with the hope that you might get some "intelligent" answers on a forum primarily for women?

WorraLiberty · 29/02/2012 23:35

Controversial maybe, but if you are buying all those things, plus have your child each weekend...dare I ask why you should pay any maintainance?

Because the child needs to survive midweek and why should just one parent pay for that and everything it entails?

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 29/02/2012 23:36

I know a lot of people have had a bad experience with the CSA, but for me they have made things so much easier

Since my ex and I have been going through them things are a lot calmer, it takes the money issue off the table and has been fairer and less stressful all round

ZXEightyMum · 29/02/2012 23:38

Two threads in AIBU now about maintenance with sockpuppets

WorraLiberty · 29/02/2012 23:40

Who are the sock puppets?

splashymcsplash · 29/02/2012 23:41

Of course maintenance needs to be paid but 900 is a huge amount. I say that as a single parent.

What is your net income? Have you used the calculator on the csa website?

Paying half of your child's costs would be reasonable if you didn't want to go down the csa route, but obviously that depends on you and your ex being amicable enough to agree on those costs.

LollyT · 29/02/2012 23:45

Worraliberty- apologies if that came across wrong, badly worded.

What I meant was that I don't understand when a child spends equal time at each parents (as I thought I read here) why does any maintenance get paid? They both have costs to feed, cloth, provide a roof etc.

ZXEightyMum · 29/02/2012 23:46

Ah, ignore me, Worra. Was just suspicious about the sudden influx r.e topic-matter.

What is best for your child, OP, do you think? If your ex is spending too much on herself and your child is going without then something needs to change. If you reduce this amount of money it will only get worse for them, surely? Difficult.

splashymcsplash · 29/02/2012 23:48

Lolly the op says that he has his child for weekends. That is not equal time at both parents.

Original poster

notenough · 01/03/2012 20:34

Thanks for all your comments even the one that questioned what I have stated. I knew I would get some comments dis balieving what I pay. For the record I earn 37,500.00 a year which means I am giving over 40% of my net earnings to my ex.
I also buy my son clothes when needed along with him having his own wardrobe of cloths at mine.
I realise I can go to the CSA but also realise that as our arrangement is informal and the money has mostly been paid cash I have mo way of actually proving in a court of law that I have paid this amount monthly.

Also just so you are all aware the ex gets full benifits including housing and works and goes to college. Hence me paying for the nursery and extra activities he wants to try.

I also realise that even through the courts if my ex wants to play nasty and reduce stop my contact she can and I neither have the energy or money to fight such events. I sometimes feel women do not fully understand the relationship a DAD has with his kids and that I would change places with my ex in a second just to spend more time with my boy.

OP posts:

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