Child Maintenance Payments

[notenough]

Dear All, I am hoping that I can get some intelligent answers to a question. I need to be honest and state I am a man but rather than log on to a male forum site and get a totally one sideed answer I was hoping to get a womans view.
I hope I am not offending anyone but I really need this advice.

My Ex who ended our relationship shortly after our child was born has been receiving 900 pounds a month from me for the last 3 years. I have also been active in buying clothing, food etc for my ex so my child is taken care of.
The 900 was to also cover nursery fees which have now been reduced due to the childs age.
My ex still wants me to pay 900 a month as they are struggling?? I have had to move in with my parents whom I also pay to stay there. My child stays with me every weekend and I feel that my ex is totally taking advantage of me and I am worried that if I either approach the CBA or put my foot down and only pay what I feel is fair my ex will stop me seeing my child.

I know that I only have to pay 15% of my net salary and this would include childcare etc but have always tried to do the best I can for them both which has resulted in me basically working to support my ex and the lifestyle.

Any advice would be appreciated.

The intelligent part of my question was in no way to offend more I knew and hoped that by asking women who are in a better position to know the rights and wrongs on maintenance issues I would get the intelligent answers I needed.
I had looked on some of the male forum sites and they just seemed to be very bitter and angry.

I hope this thread has gone some way to convincing you that many many women do fully understand the relationship a Dad has with his kids. Most posters have said you are paying too much and have indicated that you should have money to spend on your child yourself so that you can enjoy your time with him.

When I split with my ex, it was almost like he assumed I was going to be unsupportive if his relationship with our dc. He contacted fathers for justice and had a lot of sympathy with them before they got so much bad press. Time, and my support, have proved him wrong on that.

Most women do support their children's relationship with their father because at the very least, they want what's best for their children.

I think you are paying way too much. Particularly when it means you are living with your parents rather than living in housing appropriate to your needs. It does a child no good whatsoever to see one parent's living standards so low to subsidise the lifestyle of the other.

If you have your son every other weekend I doubt she would stop that as she probably enjoys the break.
It is worrying though that you say you don't have the energy to fight for your son?! Really, isn't he worth fighting for?

I would suggest considering doing the following

Go on the csa website, use the maintenance calculator and see what you have to pay.

Add on to this any amount you consider fair, reasonable and affordable to give to your ex for child maintenance going forward. Use a financial plan to do this, so your ex can see (if you are willing to show her) how little you have left for yourself each month.

Ask her if she is prepared to provide similar details of why she is struggling ie an indication of her own financial outgoings per month so that she can justify to you the need for the money you are giving her for your son. Without this you are both just shooting in the dark as to what migh be considered fair.

Then try and negotiate an agreement. If you can both see if/how the other is struggling it might help.

WOuld you set up a formal payment to your ex through a bank so you have proof of payments? Without it you are perhaps laying yourself open to problems if things get unpleasant, as there will perhaps be no proof that you have given money for your son's upbringing?

I think you need to reduce payments by the sounds of it so that you can build up some sort of life for yourself. Your worries on contact may be unfounded. I wouldn't stop my child seeing his dad if maintenance was reduced, (and it has been in my case massively) as all it would do would be to hurt the child, along with them having a reduced standard of living. Fear of having contact removed should not mean you are effectively being forced to pay more than is fair, whatever that is.

Good luck

Splashy - the op said has child every weekend. That is potentially 3 nights out of 7 with mum having child 4 put of 7. I would say that is fairly equal IMO.
Therefore a fair maintenance should enable father to have money to get his own home for him and child and afford activities during Childs time with dad whilst also ensuring he contributes to childcare costs and uniforms, trips etc.
Over 40% of his income is going to make it extremely difficult for father to manage his own home hence him currently living with parents.

Notenough - please make sure any and alll future payments is done through a bank transfer with title maintenance. Paying in cash is asking for trouble. You have no proof if she ever goes to CSA and could be charged back pay.
Then see a solicitor and get him/her to draw up a formal contact schedule stating current contact and suggestions for splitting holidays. Get this sent to mother for approval. Do it in a supportive way and best interest of child to have formal agreement. It's based on what you have now and therefore she shouldn't be apposed to this.
Seperately then give notice to say you will be dropping maintenance so far in future to give her time to adapt and the reasons for needing to reduce (keep child focussed such as to enable you to spend more quality time with child, enable to be able to get a proper home where your child will have own bedroom.
Then after notice period reduce maintenance accordingly.

Yes the risk she may cause problems over contact do exist. But if you have contact schedule agreed it will make it quicker should you need to go for a court order. You have proof of the normal child routine and courts like to stick to the status quo. You will also be able to afford court case and solicitor due to the money you ace saved. The drop of maintenance has had significant warning to enable mum to adapt and your reasons for needing to reduce are reasonable and all ready explained to mum. Keep a record of all text and emails. If communicating by phone - make detailed notes afterwards and never argue or make threats.
Continue to support your child the same as before in all other ways.
Do not give into blackmail or threats now. If you do you will be playing to her tune for ever.

Good luck