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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about reporting this?

37 replies

OTTMummA · 29/02/2012 19:13

We had new neighbours move in last summer, a woman about 23 and a man in his early 30's since the get go we have heard him screaming at her on occassions swearing at her slamming doors etc.
I see her most days on the way to work and she always seems fine, although i think she avoids me because one time during his 'outbursts' i banged on the wall and shouted i could hear everything.
I have never heard her scream/shout back until these last few weeks, and then today i was getting the washing in and i saw her smoking at the back of her garden, with a black eye Sad

I told DH about this and said we should go see if she is ok, needs us to phone someone for her etc, and he just wrinkled his nose up and said its none of our business.
Now i am from an abusive family, have lived in refuges during my childhood and sometimes feel that i might go ott in how i see or act upon certain situations, so am sometimes not sure what to do, but this time i was certain so i phoned the non emergency line and reported what i have heard/seen, they took it seriously and were grateful for the information as they have had other reports about noise disturbances from other neighbours.

Dh was in the shower whilst i reported it, but told him just now and he is getting funny with me about being a nosy busy body blah blah, and i am just getting angry with his attitude towards this?

I will be showing him this thread later.

OP posts:
OlympicEater · 29/02/2012 19:16

Tricky one. Do they have DCs?

faeriemoo · 29/02/2012 19:17

I think you were right in doing whatever you felt comfortable doing.
I, personally, would have been more likely to call the police during one of their fights, as - sadly - unless he's caught, she's likely to deny it in the cold light of day.

Please, please, also keep in mind that it might not be a simple case of him punching her in the face and being abusive - there could be sooo much more to it than that.

GlitterySkulls · 29/02/2012 19:18

better to be a nosy busy-body, than to just sit in your house doing nothing while some poor sod's getting leathered.

maybe pop in when the guy's out, let her know you're there if she needs you.

Chundle · 29/02/2012 19:18

Hmmm you could potentially have just saved her life! A visit from the police/social services may give her the lift she needs to escape. an abusive relationship. How would you and dh feel if an ambulance pulled up and took her away day??!
I would've done the same as you. My dh would've called me nosy too but I still would've done it

PoppadumPreach · 29/02/2012 19:20

you did the right thing

LineRunner · 29/02/2012 19:22

If this is DV - and it certainly sounds like it - it is really important that there is an independent report. One day the woman will ask for help herself, and by the time it arrives, the partner may well have talked her into denying it happened, or pretending she had an accident.

On average it takes a lot of incidents before a woman reports DV. When she does, you will have helped her.

Try to chat to her when you see her. She might not open up, for all sorts of reasons, but you can let her know that you're there if she needs anything - whether it's a cup of sugar or a phonecall.

My ExH would have been the same as your DH.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/02/2012 19:23

YANBU. If you saw someone punch someone else in the street you would call the Police. Just because it is her H doesn't make it different.

Original poster
OTTMummA · 29/02/2012 19:23

He's at it now Sad
I'm going to phone the line again.

No they don't have dc, but he does with someone else.
I am not an easily intimidated person, but i have spoken to him a few times, and tbh, he scares the crap out of me.

OP posts:
MamaMaiasaura · 29/02/2012 19:26

YaNbu and when they kick off again, call police. Been there with my neighbours. She managed to get him out and now shes happy with lovely guy expecting a baby

ChickensHaveNoLips · 29/02/2012 19:26

YANBU. And OP's DH, why would you rather sit by and let someone be assaulted?

ImperialBlether · 29/02/2012 19:26

Call the police now if he's hurting her. I know you're in an awful position and I think your DH should be standing right beside you, not dithering around.

Original poster
OTTMummA · 29/02/2012 19:29

They're sending someone out to their house.

OP posts:
gordyslovesheep · 29/02/2012 19:29

YANBU - you are doing the right thing - at least, if it is abuse, she knows somebody cares enough to notify the police and he knows he is being 'watched' it may one day give her the courage to leave - it must be horrible for you x

tigermoll · 29/02/2012 19:31

You have done the right thing. The attitude of 'its none of my/our business' actually plays into the hands of the abuser, and shows that society is happy to turn a blind eye to DV. You have heard shouting, fighting, and now seen evidence of physical harm. You suspect a crime is taking place, and you have a duty to report it.

Put it this way, - if there is no DV going on, then what harm has been done? The police will show up, the couple will assure them that nothing untoward is happening, and the matter will end there.

I am very surprised at your partner's attitude, especially as he knows what you have been through. I don't think he's being very supportive, - surely he would rather someone had contacted the authorities on your behalf when you were younger?

I also agree that you should try to make some friendly contact with the woman. She may not want you now, but she may one day be very, very glad you are there.

LineRunner · 29/02/2012 19:31

And if it turms out all to have been a horrible misunderstanding - enthuiastic Wii game gone wrong etc - then no harm done; just a reminder about what neighbours can actually hear through shared walls.

Original poster
OTTMummA · 29/02/2012 19:32

I didn't realise it, but i have been tensed up in a ball on the sofa listening to it, i wish i could just go knock on the door, but im pregnant, i know thats selfish.
I hope they turn up soon, it's just getting louder.

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 29/02/2012 19:32

It's unlikely but I actually hope this woman is the op of another thread on here.

tigermoll · 29/02/2012 19:40

This must be horrible for you, OP, especially given your experience of DV. You are doing absolutely the right thing, however, in calling the police.

I don't think it would be the right thing to go over there right now, though, pregnant or not. That's not being selfish, that's being sensible :)

marthastew · 29/02/2012 19:41

You absolutely did the right thing.

Mumof1plustwins · 29/02/2012 19:45

Don't feel bad about sitting on your sofa! You can hardly punch the guy (pregnant or not!) you have already done the right thing, tell your DH to support you and give you a cuddle! Bear

Has anyone arrived yet?

arghmyear · 29/02/2012 19:51

I am not really pro interfering but I do think you've done the right thing.

Original poster
OTTMummA · 29/02/2012 20:04

They have been and left, were around about 15 mins.
Everything has gone quite now, i don't know if anyone was taken away, i didn't peep through the curtains.
But i feel a lot better now.
DH has read the thread and feels thoroughly ashamed, especialy when i asked him what he would want someone to do if it was his child being put in that situation.
Still think i need to educate him on social responsibilty though, but at least he gets it now.

OP posts:
fallenpetal · 29/02/2012 20:11

Tough call, Ive been mulling this over for ages as I am sure you did. I think I would do the same tbh, I couldn't live with the guilt if something far more serious happened, which in all honesty is a fairly common occurrence as an end result of DV.
Also on the plus side, if she is in need of evidence if she does get help you have backed up her story and given credence to her plight what ever the outcome.

swooosh · 29/02/2012 20:13

You've done the right thing OP, lets hope the situation gets sorted.

MamaMaiasaura · 29/02/2012 22:07

How's it now? You may have to deal with hostility from them both but please don't let that stop you from reporting it again if needs be. My neighbour took the bastard back many times till she saw sense.