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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mum refusing to help with childcare because of comment my husband made

76 replies

KnockedUpMell · 29/02/2012 12:30

My mum lives abroad usually. She is currently livin with us to help out with childcare as I am going back to work. She is recently separated and retired and usually spends a few months with me, a few months with my brother, and a few months travelling with her family. She has few interests except for religion. She is a very devout Christian. We are not. Today my husband made a comment about mum always playing gospel music to the baby (1y o), and suggested it would do baby some good to be exposed to other kinds of music during the day. Gospel music is th only kind of music mum listens to, and it is on pretty much all day. She got very upset and said we should find a full time nanny immediately as she didn't want to stay with us if we couldn't accept her religion. We do not have an issue with what religion she chooses to follow, but my husband was concerned that baby would get influenced and we would prefer for baby to have a broad view of religions and choose to practice out of his own free will when he is old enough. Was my husband really being unreasonable in requesting that my mum plays other kinds o music when she watches baby?? Btw we do not mind paying for childcare, and have asked my mum to stay partly for her benefit, as she tends to get very lonely when she is living alone, and of course for baby's benefit so he has a close relationship with his gran.

OP posts:

captainmummy · 29/02/2012 13:22

Is it only about the music? Or is she also 'influencing' you child in other ways? Are you there with her? Is she taking the child to church/talking about jesus/sprinkling holy water over baby?

Sandalwood · 29/02/2012 13:34

Did you grow up listening to gospel music?

lashingsofbingeinghere · 29/02/2012 14:03

Pretty soon your baby will be talking - and singing. Do you really want her coming out with stuff like:

"Drop kick me Jesus through the goal posts of life."

Some of the lyrics to gospel songs are pretty bizarre .

QuintessentialyHollow · 29/02/2012 14:09

Well, clearly the solution is to pay for child care and NOT host your mum for months on end!

The music is not going to "harm" the baby, neither is it going to convert it into any religion, but your mum is unreasonable to have a hump over this comment.
Background music should not really be necessary at all.

I cant believe she has the cheek to refuse childcare when you are putting her up for months and months, allowing her to have a lifestyle where she moves between her children and not really have to pay much for her own lifestyle. Surely this enables her to go travelling with friends for fun?

cluffyfunt · 29/02/2012 14:13

for your DM.

Shes had some big changes in her life recently and the dig your DH made at her probably made her feel unwelcome.

Why did he feel the need to criticise her choice in music? If I employed a nanny I would let her/him chose what to listen to .

You could play other music when you are home with your DC but I dont think this is about gospel music at all.

samandi · 29/02/2012 14:18

It sounds as though your husband is a few sandwiches short of a picnic. I'd be more concerned about baby inheriting his brains, and I'm a pretty devout atheist.

ComposHat · 29/02/2012 14:26

my husband was concerned that baby would get influenced and we would prefer for baby to have a broad view of religions and choose to practice out of his own free will when he is old enough

Is this a piss take?

Presumably your husband is out the house all day, so he doesn't have to listen to hour after hour of gospel music (which wouldn't be to my taste either) and the issue is that the child is subliminally picking up pro-Christian vibes.

Your husband is worried your one year old child will pick up the religious overtones in the gospel music and off the back of that will suddenly become a fully signed up tambourine shaking holly-roller. At the age of ONE?

I am an atheist BTW and one whose childhood was sound-tracked by the Carpenters and my grandfather watching horse racing. Surprise surprise I am neither a jockey or a fan of soft rock.

Tell your husband to stop be such a precious and pretentious prick and if he's that fucking bothered about religious balance, stick your child in front of a fucking Jackie Mason video for a few hours in the evening.

AnxiousPanxious · 29/02/2012 14:32

The baby understands a lot more than you think, and is growing up and understanding all the more. If there's music, there's a whole lot more, no? Little comments, maybe trips to church or church friends, references to JesUS?

Normalising things from an early makes them more acceptable without critique in later life. It might be totally fine to be a Christian but presumably the dh wants his child to choose it after some critical thought, not blindly accept it because it's oddly comfortable.

naturalbaby · 29/02/2012 14:36

Never mind what kind of music it is, I generally don't like music on pretty much all day - whether it's the radio or t.v or whatever.

I put a nursery rhyme CD on every now and then as an activity for my baby to listen to music otherwise it's just background noise.

TheRhubarb · 29/02/2012 14:38

Your dh is totally out of order. Have you any idea how much money your mother is saving you by providing all this free childcare?

Again, I think the whole story is not being told here. Just how did he tell her about the gospel music? Did she feel he was mocking her? Does she feel unappreciated in other ways?

She is not insisting she take her grandchild to church is she? She listens to music during the day, which whilst she is living with you and providing free childcare she is entitled to do so. Would you rather the baby listened to Chris Moyles and learnt how to be a prick?

Show your dh these posts and tell him not to be such a prick himself. Then take your mother out for a lovely meal to thank her for all that she has done and make sure your dh issues a grovelling apology. She is not trying to turn your baby Christian, she's just being herself and she has every right to be so.

AnxiousPanxious · 29/02/2012 14:41

No child should be exposed to Chris Moyles for that very reason. Ditto Jeremy Kyle, Matthew Twat etc. It ALL goes in, slowly and inexorably.

lockets · 29/02/2012 14:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blu · 29/02/2012 14:42

Oh dear!
Your DH is being a bit daft - of course the baby won't be influenced by background gospel music, and if your mum is undertaking childcare she should at least be able to listen to whatever music she likes!
And your Mum is being huffy and seems to have taken it very personally.

See if you can restore sense to both of them!

Later, your Mum will no doubt be talking to you child about her religion - but again against a background of diversity of (non) belief, it will be one pov amongst life's rich mix.

TheRhubarb · 29/02/2012 14:48

Exactly Blu. We are Catholics and are bringing up the children to be so but ds's "godfather" is an atheist (our priest was more than happy for him to make his own promises to our son) and we send our children to state schools so that they can get an insight into every religion and hear from those who don't believe at all.

You can't bring your children up to have a broad view of religion if you prevent him from experiencing Christian music - that's bringing him up to have no experience of religion at all. He will get christianity from his gran and atheism from you, therefore putting him in a better position to make his own mind up when older.

halcyondays · 29/02/2012 16:27

Why would listening to a lot of gospel music at the age of one prevent someone from developing a broad view of religions as they get older?

LulaBear · 29/02/2012 16:35

YABU if your mother is looking after your baby all day she should be able to listen to the music she likes you're DH sounds like a pretentious prick

JustAnother · 29/02/2012 16:47

is your DH ok with your mum staying with you for such long periods? it would drive me nuts (and my MIL is really lovely). Maybe the criticism of the music is his first way of showing this the long visits are a bit too much. He might not even be aware that this is bothering him. I certainly don't think this is about the baby's religious beliefs

Hullygully · 29/02/2012 16:53

This is extremely extremely dangerous.

That child will end up blacking up and and getting her self a trout pout.

scarletforya · 29/02/2012 16:54

Insist on a bit of Black Sabbath to balance things out!

Original poster

KnockedUpMell · 29/02/2012 17:00

Interesting comments. We have decided to look for paid childcare immediately. I think this is an age where kids can become influenced very easily. My DH is actually a non practicing Hindu and I am a non practicing Christian. My mum would have God tv on all the time i she could (she cant as we dont get it pn our tv) and i suspect would consider taking baby to church without our knowledge. I did have to listen to Gospel music growing up and it did influence me a lot until I started uni and started reasoning for myself. And I gues the unpredictability of my mums child care makes it less desirable now that this has come up.

OP posts:

ChaoticAngel · 29/02/2012 17:07

JustAnother has said what I was thinking. Is you DH happy with your mum staying with you for months?

ivykaty44 · 29/02/2012 17:12

your mother is BU and she should respect your husbands wishes for all music to be played and not just her type of music. Your mother is showing no respect for other types of music and that is a real shame that she can't allow her thought process to see that other people have different views and she needs to respect the fact that other people do have other views - no need for her to respect the view just that fact that others will have a different view.

Hullygully · 29/02/2012 17:13

Is she waggling her hands and shouting Lordy Lordy yet?

cricketballs · 29/02/2012 17:46

omg I have heard everything now......

your child is 1, not 11!

EirikurNoromaour · 29/02/2012 18:36

husband was concerned that baby would get influenced and we would prefer for baby to have a broad view of religions and choose to practice out of his own free will when he is old enough

That is one of the stupidest things I have read for a while. YABU and precious and very unkind to your mum.

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