Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to refuse to compromise any longer about where we live?

53 replies

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 29/02/2012 09:30

I have always wanted to live in a brand new house. I like a clean house, and everything neutral and in good order, and my ideal would be to live in a new house.

I feel like I've always compromised on what I want in the past; DH has always said an out and out 'No' so I've always gone along with what he wants. We bought a small house when we'd not been together long, quite an old, but small, house, which was quick to do up and we got it in good order. However we then needed a bigger house and with DH's refusal to buy a new one we bought the house we live in now, which is around 40 years old. We've lived here for 4 years now.

It was old fashioned when we moved in, although definitely ok to live in, however DH was adamant he wanted to do it up but what he has actually done is completely messed it up and it is worse than it was when we moved in, he's started so many jobs and not finished them. He decided on a whim 18 months ago one day to change the spindles in the bannisters, so he completely ripped off the stair carpet. 18 months later we still have bare, unvarnished spindles and no carpet. He insisted on knocking a wall down between the kitchen and dining room which has resulted in the downstairs of the house feeling very 'busy' and cluttered as there is nowhere separate to eat now. He decided on another whim one day to decorate our bedroom so he cut all the carpet back past the gripper bars, painted the walls, and pulled other parts of carpet up so now our bedroom, which although was previously in a cream shade and with a carpet not to our taste was ok, is a total fucking mess. He pulled the airing cupboard doors off with the intention of replacing them the next weekend and we had no airing cupboard doors for over a year. Basically what I'm trying to say is the house will never be done because as soon as one job is done he either rips something else apart and leaves it, or there will be another job that needs doing.

I am not good at DIY and to be honest I don't want to constantly have to do painting and things like that. It's just not my thing. Hence I want to live in a brand new house. Plus there is no way I can do things in the week with 2 year old DS, who won't nap, running around.

It's occurred to me though that I've always been the one to compromise, just because he's said 'no' why should I give up on what I want all the time? I think he thinks because he's the man he can have the final say on things. So I've actually said to him in the past few days that I want to move to a brand new house and I'm not willing to compromise on this one. If we moved, we would have a smaller house, which would probably be easier for housework etc tbh, plus our mortgage would be smaller. DH has said if it's a make or break thing then of course he will have to move, but thinks I'm being unreasonable but I've said I'm not being any more unreasonable than he is wanting to choose where we live and ripping the place apart at every opportunity.

AIBU?

OP posts:
OTTMummA · 29/02/2012 09:35

[shocked] YADNBU!

WTAF?
He is the man so he should have the final say?
Why don't you move yourself and your child into a nice 2 bed new apartment and leave him to his mess of a house?

There should always be a compromise, has he ever lived in a 'new' house? if not then how does he know wether he will like it or not?
Oh, and he should get a bloody hobby that doesn't destroy your house every weekend.

valiumredhead · 29/02/2012 09:36

I know how you feel, I have always wanted to move to a mansion with a pool and dh has always said no too....

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 29/02/2012 09:37

LOL OTTMummA, I have thought about that tbh, taking the DCs and renting a new house.

It's getting ridiculous with the house; I think I would rather have lived in it as it was when we moved in than in the state he has left it in now

OP posts:
aldiwhore · 29/02/2012 09:38

Tell him its your turn, and therefore IS make or break, because if he refuses to let you have YOUR turn, then its a slipperly slope into the doom of the relationship isn't it?

I'm nearly at that point with DH too, but ours involves a bigger move... so I'm not quite there yet.

valiumredhead · 29/02/2012 09:38

Would it not be cheaper to get a handy man/decorators in and fix everything you hate?

TroublesomeEx · 29/02/2012 09:39

YANBU.

I think you have given your DH plenty of opportunities to exercise his creative side. You've supported him and backed down.

I wouldn't want to live in a new house - it would be my idea of hell. However, I'd rather live in a new house than the nightmare your DH has created.

Would you even be able to sell your house in its current state though?

NeldaAufwader · 29/02/2012 09:39

YANBU
Just reading the description of what your husband has done to the house has made me feel stressed.
Insist that those jobs are sorted and get yourself house hunting op. It is not unreasonable to not want to live in a half finished home.

annh · 29/02/2012 09:39

But is your current house actually saleable in its current condition? Obviously, it will sell at some price but if you have half-finished projects all over the place it is going to be very difficult to not make a loss on the sale. As a potential buyer, I would also be put off by the fact that some "bodger" has undertaken numerous DIY projects badly, including knocking down walls (I trust your dh knows that is not a supporting wall?).

There certainly is a case for moving to somewhere you would be happy but can you afford it and can you sell your current house?

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 29/02/2012 09:47

The thing is, when he does do DIY he is good at it, he just can't seem to finish a job. But yes, he would definitely have to sort things out if we were to move. I'd like to get trademen in to do things but DH refuses. I do feel so stressed living here, nothing ever feels clean and I feel like I have to run just to stand still with the cleaning and tidying.

He has this pie in the sky idea of doing a massive extension too which he seems to think will be the answer to all my problems as it will have a playroom, utility room and then a new master bedroom for us with an ensuite (I hate our current bathroom as there's no separate shower and basically it's falling to bits), but realistically we will NEVER be able to afford this extension as it's likely to cost upwards of 40k, yet he is still talking about digging the footings etc ready for it. Great, a fucking great big hole in the drive AND an unfinished house!

OP posts:
annh · 29/02/2012 09:51

What do you mean dh refuses to have tradesmen in? Why are your wishes to have a clean, habitable house any less valid than his desire to undertake different DIY projects every weekend? Honestly, I'm a great one for compromise and working things out but in this case, I would just find a good local tradesman, get him in and get at least some of the more unfinished stuff done.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 29/02/2012 09:55

When I suggest we get trademen in he gets really annoyed and says we can't afford it etc, I thought about just finding them myself and getting them in but decided it wasn't worth the aggro

OP posts:
LilacWaltz · 29/02/2012 10:02

This sounds awful! He needs telling!

Vicky2011 · 29/02/2012 10:04

I think best to give him a timeframe to bring your current house up to scratch. If he finishes all the jobs, you may actually find you like it. 6 months max I would say.

mummytime · 29/02/2012 10:06

Sorry but you have the classic "builders wife" dilema, he may not be a builder but that is what you are living with.
You need to make it totally clear to him, that the present jobs have to be finished (and give him a deadline) or you will call in the professionals regardless of cost.

LilacWaltz · 29/02/2012 10:06

Did he get advice about knocking down that wall?

Tanith · 29/02/2012 10:09

I have a FIL like this. He loved to knock things down and "improve" them. The reality is that he made a real mess and, because he regards all safety regs as nonsense, the house is a danger (he knocked out a fireplace - no supports, nothing. God only knows how the house has not fallen around his ears!).

My point is, if your DH is anything like my FIL, he won't stop with a new build house. He'll see other things that need improving and will happily knock walls down, change internal arrangements and create a God-awful mess while you simmer.

I think it's the DIY disasters you need to address, to be honest. I can see the attraction of a brand new house with nothing to do to it, but I don't think he'll see it that way.

Chubfuddler · 29/02/2012 10:10

I don't understand why you haven't out your foot down before - when he started cocking about with the dining room wall why didn't you pint out the stairs he hadn't finished?

I feel stessed just reading about your house. Who on earth is going to want to buy it?

Paiviaso · 29/02/2012 10:19

Why does he not want to live in a new house? Is it simply the DIY as aspect he desires? He may imagine himself a builder in his head, but he is just messing up the house, so I think he's lost his chance at DIY glory here.

YANBU.

mummytime · 29/02/2012 10:43

Or apply to be on this?

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 29/02/2012 11:26

He doesn't want to live in a new house as he says he doesn't like them as they're too small with no garden. Although to be fair we don't have a large garden now. I love new houses because of the clean, new-ness of them.

But yes I agree too that he would find DIY projects to do in a new one. I thin if he'd have just concentrated on the basics when we moved in this house would be fine. The stairs carpet, for example, probably wasn't what we would have chosen ourselves, but was actually a really good quality, expensive carpet and it hoovered up really well and I think looked nice, and the bannisters could have done with a lick of paint but nothing else. Quick lick of paint on the walls and the hall could have been done years ago.

OP posts:
Callisto · 29/02/2012 11:33

I would hate to live in a new house - they are soulless boxes imo. But, I would have had a major shit fit by now if my DH had done what yours has. Why have you let him do all of these destructive things and for so long? I think you need to have a serious look at your relationship tbh, because I'm sure your husband will not stop his crappy diy just because you're in a new build.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 29/02/2012 11:37

It's difficult to stop him really; he just gets his tools out and off he goes.

OP posts:
Callisto · 29/02/2012 11:43

Hide his tool box? I think you need to be a lot more assertive with him. If that involves shouting and swearing, or even moving out temporarily, to get him to listen, so be it.

Flisspaps · 29/02/2012 11:43

I'd think 'fuck it' and get on the phone this afternoon to a handyman.

If DH kicks up a stink or says its too expensive perhaps point out that it's better for it to cost money than your marriage.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 29/02/2012 11:45

We really can't afford it at the moment

OP posts: