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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to bribe the school stud to break up with my 14 yr old dd?

32 replies

inashizzle · 28/02/2012 12:42

o.k announced she is in a relationship to which i knew was inevitable; rather than push it underground we have oked her having a boyfriend but with conditions ,ie he is allowed to visit her here, with an adult in the house etc but she not to go to his house yet.

But even in the mere 4 weeks she has been with him i have heard he has gone out with a huge amount of girls, pressurized two girls into sleeping with him before her.Three teachers have told me that he is a horrible boy and he may be something to do with her school work going downhill fast. I did tell her i knew this. She was thinking of ending it- i was so happy i could have thrown a party to be informed by her couple hours later she will see him!!!How do reasonable parents deal with this please!

OP posts:
BupcakesandCunting · 28/02/2012 12:45

If you try and drive a wedge between them, you will push them closer together. You will make them feel like it is them vs the world. Let it run its course but advise her on sex and STDs/pregnancy. It is all you can do.

TartyMcFarty · 28/02/2012 12:46

Give him a chance to prove himself one way or the other, rather than wading in? Hmm

Pagwatch · 28/02/2012 12:48

Three teachers have told you he is a horrible boy? I find that pretty shocking.

The only person who can really stop this relationship is your DD. The more you indicate that you dislike him, the more she will romanticise that and fight to be with him.
The only way you stop you DC being with unsuitable partners is to work on their self esteem and self respect. People with self respect are less likely to settle for dick heads.
If she tells you she likes him ask her to explain why, what does he do, how does he act that makes him special to her.

Good luck.

leftmymistletoeatthedoor · 28/02/2012 12:51

I'd be more worried about my kid being at a school where teachers openly describe pupils as 'horrible' tbh.

Stop interfering. Encourage open chats etc.

exaspomum · 28/02/2012 12:59

Ah. I've just started a similar thread. Not sure what the etiquette for this is.

Original poster
inashizzle · 28/02/2012 13:08

Yes it's true, ideally i would like to lock her in a tower until she's 18, or set a honey trap for him so she could see for herself! I would like to not interfere but i feel the teacher really like my daughter and have seen a downhill slide in her school work-hence ii,ve been called in to deal with this tomorrow. I think they must have enough info to say something as teachers avoid disclosing info on any pupils normally.

I would like to meet him but i have a feeling he is not interested deep down as i dont think his intentions are to meet the family- he has been invited.

I have seen it before where parents have in all good intentions of allowing relationships, provided the necessary talks and protection to no avail and this is what worries me.I do tell her all the time she is beautiful and we chat about other examples of relationships.

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 28/02/2012 13:19

But, forgive me, self esteem and self worth are not about whether she is beautiful or not.
It is about what sort of person does she want to be, does she want to go to university, achieve in sport or dance or art or some other passion. Does she have a vision of how people should treat her. Can she meet people and decide if she likes them rather that stressing about whether they like her. Does she have a relationship she sees as the sort she would like within her social circle. What does she value in her friends - is it humour or loyalty or good sense etc
What does she want in a relationship - is it humour or loyalty or good sense etc. What does she see as her best qualities? What does she see as the things she wants to do more of, do less of .

Aribura · 28/02/2012 13:29

You'll "hear" bad things about anyone if you dig deep enough. I get the impression it wouldn't matter whether he was nice or not. Leave it and let her make her own mistakes.

Original poster
inashizzle · 28/02/2012 13:43

Yes she appears to have good self esteem, bubbly,bright, has a great set of friends and fairly assertive; she loves drama and singing and is a high achiver.Of couse she has the normal little insecurities but i do agree alongside this i need to raise her confidence all the time and keep thing open as possible.

Yous are all right in saying i wouldn't be over the moon if it was anyone at all, ha, but i,m not naive to think it would never happen. I,m more concerned that the boy has been bullying towards other kids (i deteste bullies and encourage my girls to always have a kind word to say to all)and the biggie that he has put the pressure on other girls before.Of course i know she has to make a few mistakes i,m finding it hard to let go and natural instincts tell me not to let the mistakes be hard to get up from. Surely 14 is so young to be involved full on in a relationship?

OP posts:
Forrestgump · 28/02/2012 13:47

i think you have to leave her ride it out. It will prob in her tears, but its all part of growing up and you can only be there should it end? As long as your relationship is strong, and she knows all about playing safe, not be pressurised etc you have no reason to be worried.

I went out with the local stud when i was 14, my parents were mortified. More so because my mum let it slip his dad was the local stud when she was in school and he broke her heart and so she was worried the same would happen to me. Infact my stud couldnt of been more of a young gentleman, we had a totally innocent and blissful 6 months together - until little miss perfect me two timed him on my french exchange!

runningwilde · 28/02/2012 13:51

I really don't get the 'there is nothing you can do' posts... She is fourteen! Maybe the reason why there are so many off the rail kids is that too many parents take this lax attitude. You are her parent, tell her she is not to see him anymore and why! Parents in this country really need to take more control of their teens.

runningwilde · 28/02/2012 13:54

And of course fourteen is too young to be in a full on relationship! The lax attitude of some parents with regards to this is astonishing

MrsBeakman · 28/02/2012 13:57

Pagwatch Very good advice. I wish my mother had given advice like that when I was a teen!

Original poster
inashizzle · 28/02/2012 14:06

Hi all again, i really feel i,m learning quickly from all your good insights, thank you:). Love your post forest gump!And to all the raise her self esteem replies, i,m going to go for it like never before.

I am aware that this is the age that girls get infatuated and just want my dd to know that boys tell girls what they want to hear.I feel that any girl or boy for that matter at 14 is too young no matter how mature they seem.I know i can merely guide her , not control her, but there,s a fine line when it is our role to prevent the worst. what guidelines would other parents say is reasonable, i.e do you agree that i should not allow her to go to his house yet?The pressure for young people is huge.

OP posts:
runningwilde · 28/02/2012 16:20

You really need to find the right guidelines for you as a parent. In my eyes, fourteen is too young to think about relationships and the emphasis would be concebtrating on studies. I was brought up like this and it was the best thing my parents did as I put my effort and time into studying - although I had many friends and interests too. It was really good for the way I conducted future relationships too. Too many teens spend too much time thinking about relationships with the opposite sex at a time when other things are more important

At least emphasise that sex at her age is a big NO, NO! Far too young

Pagwatch · 28/02/2012 17:47

Runningwilde
By nothing you can do I personally mean that attempts to keep them apart will just increase her desire to be with him. She is 14. Of course you can keep her at home, stop her using the Internet and prevent her meeting him as best you can. But it will be self defeating and have the opposite effect.

I don't have a lax attitude and fortunately none of my dc are 'off the rails'. But ensuring your children make good choices when you are not there is a better strategy than simply trying to control them. It has the advantage of being slightly less dependent upon locking them in their room or building massive resentment.

sensuallettuce · 28/02/2012 17:53

Runningwilde - erm I run a sexual health centre and a lot of fourteen yr olds are in sexual relationships and can access a lot of things legally without their parents knowledge (contraception, abortion, counselling etc etc) - during school time.

Think its hideously misguided to take such a stance with a teenager - they will just do it behind your back anyway - believe me I know!!

LentillyFart · 28/02/2012 18:04

Invite the lad round and tell him how pleased you are that they're so happy together and make clucking noises about early engagements etc. You won't see him for dust!

runningwilde · 28/02/2012 19:37

Really sensuallettuce?! Never! Hmm

Of course teens can access contraception behind their parent's back - many of my mates when I was a teen had sex/got pregnant

Funny though isn't it how high our rates of teen pregnancy is in this country despite all this readily available contraception?

Each to their own but for me, I will not be advocating relationships so young and sex at fourteen definitely not. There's loads of time for sex later on. I still maintain that if more parents tool a stance against such a relaxed attitude to sex at a young age it would be far better. These are young kids, this is why women are getting more and more problems with things like ovarian cancer. Their bodies are too young for sex, their cervix is too young for sex!

I'm glad I was not in my early teens when I experienced sex like so many of my friends did.

sensuallettuce · 28/02/2012 19:42

IMO the reasons the rates are so high is because we are not allowed to educate young people about sex and STI's etc until yr 9 which is far too late.

In countries where they have lower rates they start educating much younger and are a lot more matter of fact about it.

Parents over here however are up in arms about that and can chose to "opt out" of SRE lessons.

You may not advocate it runningwilde but its not going to stop your teenager so surely you are better off having a more open attitude so they would be more willing to come to you for advice rather than their friends?

runningwilde · 28/02/2012 19:53

Just because I dont advocate sex before 16 it doesnt mean I am not open about sex - how terribly misguided of you to think that sensual. I am goig to be very open about sex with my kids and I am no prude. I think sex and especially tantric sex is pretty amazing and have explored it very well thank you very much but not as a teen. Of course they will develop feelings and curiosity which is natural but I think advocating waiting until
A certain age and really being ready is far better than how many teens have sex. I know lots of people who regret having sex too young and how it was. Teaching children to be responsible and to respect themselves and concentrate on their studies more and learning new things at such a crucial
Stage in their development is a good thing in my eyes and my open, honest approach to sex will serve them well

sensuallettuce · 28/02/2012 20:05

Oh I see you're into Tantric sex.

That explains it then Hmm

Do you actually have your own teenagers?

runningwilde · 28/02/2012 20:13

Ha ha very funny

Look, you carry on thinking your way and I'll carry on with my way, it is how I was raised, how a lot of my extended family was raised and how I will raise mine. It's Sooo amusing that just because I am not a fan of letting my teens have sex at fourteen and want then to concentrate on their learning, studies etc that in some people's eyes it is oppressive! And believe me, my teens will not be shagging at fourteen - no way. I'll take my lead from others who raise their kids the way I want to raise them in regards to this and how syccessful they have been

DrCoconut · 28/02/2012 20:30

I wasn't allowed boyfriends until I was at least 16 and even then it was discouraged due to my A levels. And certainly no sex before marriage. We were a church going family. Within 2 months of going away to uni I fell in with a bad un and never having had much experience of such things was way in over my head, and my folks weren't immediately there anymore to help (initially this may have been part of the appeal but later it was not). I spent what should have been my graduation day planning the birth of my first baby, in a dingy flat, having been persuaded to drop out of my course. I love DS1 dearly now, have split with his father for everyone's sake and got to go back to uni so life turned out OK but I guess what I'm saying is that a strict approach doesn't necessarily mean a problem free time.

sensuallettuce · 28/02/2012 20:32

I don't encourage or advocate teenagers having sex at 14. My 14 yr old isn't having sex and neither is our 16 yr old actually and we have what you seem to view as a "lax" attitude (we trust and respect our kids).

Teenagers are young adults and should be treated as such and allowed to make informed CHOICES.

Not dictated to as to what they can and can't do with no say in it at all.