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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH has annoyed me - AIBU? (Warning: trivial)

55 replies

Silverthorns · 28/02/2012 10:00

I'm a bit stressed and fed up and am wondering if am just being irritable or have a genuine gripe - as I say in the title it's fairly trivial! If your DH read your FB over your shoulder, had a good rant about your use of the internet, talked over you and refused to listen to you, leaned over a table whilst you were having lunch with guests and wiped something off your apron whilst muttering about "if you won't do it I will", would you find this acceptable behaviour?

So as not to drip feed here's the back story - DH is getting on my wick at the moment; he has these moods every few months (always has had) where he just withdraws and virtually stops communicating for a week or so. I find it fairly annoying but am pretty much used to it now. During this time he gets really narky about me using FB/Twitter/MN, whereas I think that if he's not going to communicate with me I'll talk to other people that way. I work from home and we moved a year ago and don't really know many people so a lot of the time the internet is a lifeline for keeping in touch with people.

Anyway, yesterday we were out on the beach, the kids were happily playing and I quickly had a look at FB on my phone. DH comes up behind me and starts reading over my shoulder - which annoyed me in itself. Asked him what he was doing and he starts ranting about "what's so interesting on FB" and he "doesn't understand why people feel the need to go on FB/Twitter etc etc". I started to answer him and he just totally shouted me down and wouldn't listen. It started off being the reading over my shoulder thing but it escalated; he's currently in one of his not speaking modes and is acting a bit oddly. I just think it's a strange thing for him to suddenly do, but then to be so arrogant as to shout me down and not even let me talk really pissed me off. Last week we were having lunch with MIL and when I sat down I had a speck of food on my apron from cooking. He pointed it out and when I didn't instantly jump to remove it he leaned diagonally over the table and wipes it off muttering about how if I'm not going to do it he will. I'm aware typing this that it sounds ridiculous, but I wouldn't dream of leaning over and wiping his face/clothes while we were having lunch with guests, it struck me as a strange, patronising thing to do and made me feel like I was one of the children. Individually these are pretty insignificant things really, but I just feel at the moment like he's doing a lot of things that I think are quite rude/weird, but when I say so he tells me I'm being weird and oversensitive and there's nothing in any of it.

And now we're back to not communicating at all and I'm just pretty fed up about the whole bloody thing. AIBU? I'm aware it sounds a bit odd, maybe it's me being odd?

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WhereYouLeftIt · 28/02/2012 15:04

So it's still all "me, me, me and bugger you the rest of you", huh?

Silverthorns · 28/02/2012 15:57

So far...

Will have a proper talk to him tonight, but he swings between either "well I'm not just going to be a wuss who agrees with everything you say" to grovelly "sorry, sorry, sorry" - both of which make me want to kill him.

Angry
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minimisschief · 28/02/2012 17:08

sounds like a bunch of things irritate him alot and it builds up.

One of these things is that he thinks you spend too much time on facebook. For example while you are at the beach with the children you couldnt last the afternoon without checking it. Things like that can get very annoying.

just something to think about.

Silverthorns · 28/02/2012 17:17

I'm aware of that mini and I have said that I'll think about it and set some boundaries.

I just find the hypocrisy a bit much - he says that I shouldn't use FB but it's perfectly acceptable for him to stop speaking to me for weeks on end. Hmm

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WhereYouLeftIt · 28/02/2012 17:26

Personally, I would be hard-pushed to not be a bit flouncy during his mood and wander around declaring "well I'll spend my time on FB with people who will talk to me" in a pointed voice. [own worst enemy emoticon]

MrsBovary · 28/02/2012 17:32

I agree with Mini.

And I'd be slightly bemused at dh checking Facebook whilst on the beach in those circumstances.

Silverthorns · 28/02/2012 17:59

To be clear, I was taking pictures of the kids and the beach and very quickly uploaded one to FB. They were quite happy playing together scratching pictures into the sand and I was only on FB for less than a min.

It's very probable that I do spend too much time on there. It's his pissy approach I object to.

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EldritchCleavage · 28/02/2012 22:52

Come on people. If he doesn't like the FB thing, he has to have a proper conversation with the OP about it (which would include taking on board how isolated she feels when he hasn't spoken to her for weeks) not strop off like a 14 year old.

Silverthorns · 29/02/2012 09:33

Thanks Eldritch. Smile

He's just so totally self absorbed right now -I'm really struggling at the moment, there's been some major stress at work recently, problems with my father and on top of this I've recently reported someone to the police for sexually assaulting me just before I met DH. When I told him years ago he just didn't respond - and then when I told him that I'd reported it all he seemed concerned about was the impact it would have on the family, and bizarrely how the person I've reported will feel?

In the last few days I've been really struggling with stress, my heart rate is all to pot, I can't concentrate, I've just lost some work through it, and despite knowing that I'm struggling all he wants to talk about is himself, and how he should have done an MA ten years ago. If I stand in the middle of the room and shout and scream he would probably pay me some attention but I can't really be arsed with all that and I don't see why I should have to. Hmm

Hence reliance on virtual people, really.

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Silverthorns · 29/02/2012 09:33

Sorry, that all sounds a bit "poor me", doesn't it.

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LDNmummy · 29/02/2012 09:54

Oh OP we are in very similar situations. My inlaws are a very controlling bunch and it affects my DH's mood and he also behaves like your DH and becomes withdrawn and narky at times.

I have kicked his butt into gear and told him I will not accept it. It is not his fault really as I can also see where certain behaviour stems from his mother and that he doesn't realise he is doing it because that is the environment he grew up in.

He is doing his best now to recognise when he behaves this way and handle things differently since I brought to his attention how it affects me and our relationship.

I don't think you are being U at all and when you live with this kind of behaviour it can really drag you down.

Tell him to sort it out.

Silverthorns · 29/02/2012 09:59

LDN that's positive that he's trying to do something about it. Smile We had a massive barny last year after he shut me out for two weeks and stayed up half the night watching porn on the computer (got to the point I thought he was having an affair before I found out!) and I said he had to stop behaving like that. He tried, but then his dad got ill and died and now I feel I can't say much as it's all "my dad's dead" and that seems to trump anything I've got going on. That sounds bad, but that's how it feels. He's just ranted on this morning about how he hates his job and wants to do something else, which is fine, and we talk about this a lot as we're both on the lookout for something else for him - but I mentioned yesterday that I'm really struggling with the stress and he's just completely ignored it, it's all HIM.

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MrsBovary · 29/02/2012 14:18

Hope you manage to get your dh to discuss things, Silver.

With the extra information I don't think you are being very unreasonable after all.

Silverthorns · 29/02/2012 20:39

Thanks. No such luck tonight, he's decided to go out. Still hasn't checked in with me despite telling him yesterday I've lost one of my jobs due to stress. Nice hey?

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EldritchCleavage · 29/02/2012 22:56

Sorry to say I think he just treats you badly whenever he feels like it. Any illness is a bit of a red herring. Is it perhaps time to force the issue with him? Where is the kindness and respect?

Silverthorns · 01/03/2012 11:30

I dunno, most of the time he's quite lovely. But we had a huge barny last night and I brought up that I'm disturbed by the fact that he doesn't respond to any problems I have. He said that before he met me his life was stable, and he's never had to deal with anything like what's happened to me, and the reason he didn't respond when I told him I'd been raped was because "it made him uncomfortable". Words failed me at that point. Sad

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cuddlymanatee · 01/03/2012 12:20

In what ways is he lovely? Serious question.

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/03/2012 13:30

I have to second cuddlymanatee's question. Stable? WTF? It's like you're only allowed to be sunshine, sweetness and light; as opposed to a full person.

Silverthorns · 01/03/2012 15:31

I dunno, he makes me a cup of tea in the morning and (generally) looks after us all. But he's like two people, he's either all loving and lovely (if not slightly self congratulatory about the whole thing) or he's miserable, depressed, uncommunicative and self absorbed. He does express himself very badly verbally.

He said he's going to change, but I said that's not good enough as I've heard this a million times before and that he needs to actually commit to doing something about it. SO he's booked a Drs appointment on Monday to talk about whether he's got an actual problem...

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Silverthorns · 01/03/2012 15:31

(I suppose this all turned out to be a lot less trivial than I first thought!)

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Silverthorns · 03/03/2012 11:35

He's flipped into apologetic mode again. I'm not sure if it was wrong of me to push him into drs appointment - just been reading about how you shouldn't try to change people...

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WhereYouLeftIt · 03/03/2012 13:11

No, it was not wrong Silverthorns (unless it allows him to pathologise his selfishness and let himself off the hook - to himself, anyway). His behaviour has a detrimental effect on you (increasing your stress, which is pretty high anyway) and it is only fair for him to explore how best to stop that behaviour. This is a long-term issue which he has promised to deal with in the past, and hasn't.

Please make sure he follows through this time. You are in need of support, and your spouse is the person you are entitled to expect would offer that support, selflessly and wholeheartedly.

Silverthorns · 05/03/2012 11:11

Thanks, WhereYouLeftIt. You've been really helpful.

Apparently he's just been diagnosed with depression and been given ADs. I don't know if that will help or not. (With the shutting down thing, unless he's actually been depressed the whole 9 years I've known him!)

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OTheHugeManatee · 05/03/2012 12:46

I volunteer as a bereavement counsellor and just wanted to say that 6 months to a year after a major bereavement is often the time when people move out of shock/denial and start absorbing the reality of the death. This can appear as unexplained mood swings, snappiness, lethargy, odd somatic symptoms, bouts of depression and all sorts. It could be that your DH is really struggling but feels that everyone assumes he's 'over' the death as some time has passed, whereas he's only just starting to come to terms with it.

Of course if he's always been like this then that's another story, but it could be related to the bereavement. Not sure if he'd consider it but counselling might help if so.

Silverthorns · 05/03/2012 13:01

Hi HugeManatee - thanks for your post. I have wondered about that, he is really struggling with it, I know that for sure. He thinks about his dad all the time, and it is very hard to come to terms with, in that it happened so quickly and he was only 65 when he died so still young really. I tried to get him to go to counselling at the end of last year but he wouldn't do it, but then again perhaps if I really look into it for him he might. Only downer is that I think the waiting lists for counselling are immense. Sad

The behaviour that kicked off this latest argument goes way back though, right back to when I first met him, but I think that the two things combined have made everything worse. Hopefully now he's started on the ADs things might start to look brighter. (I took citalopram a couple of times, which is what he's got now, gave me horrific panic attacks and made me feel, well, mental, for want of a better word, so hoping they don't affect him in the same way. )

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