AIBU to be upset by the way another child was treated at nursery?

[StephA]

When I dropped my son (aged 14 months) at nursery this morning, there was an older boy standing at the gate blocking off the preschool room, holding on to the gate and crying so unhappily. He was being left alone there with nobody comforting him. I had to go through this gate to get to my son?s room, and so I tried to give the boy a smile and say something consoling. A staff member came to meet me, and I said something like, ?This poor boy is so unhappy?. She said, ?Oh he?s always like that?, and pulled him away from the gate and stood him by some toys, and then came back to me. She didn?t get his designated carer to come to him, just left him standing there; so he walked back to the gate, and as I left he was in the same place as before, so lonely and distressed, tears streaming and nose dripping, with nobody paying any attention ? from her comment I assume he is left like this all day, every day. I just wanted to hug him and calm him but I was reluctant to touch a child not my own, so I left him there too.

Am I being unreasonable to be really bothered by this? I was almost in tears for this little boy, and wonder if his parents know how unhappy he is, and that he is not being consoled? What should I do? I thought of talking to the manager, but it?s a small place, so the manager must know of this treatment ? it must be acceptable to her? If it is, then I can?t have my son there any more; I don't think he is that unhappy but he does have a hard time esp. when I drop him off.

I'd mention it to the manager.

I think that's sad. It sounds like he cries so much they ignore it/ are irritated by it so just leave him be. Poor thing being so unhappy. You wonder how it will affect him.

:( I wouldn't be very happy about that. For his own sake and for what it suggests about their attitude towards the children in their care.

i would mention it to the manager. whether she knows or not, it needs to be dealt with. it wont help him if no-one mentions it will it? also, if there is a staffing problem or something, the manager needs to deal with it. perhaps he is just like this for 5 minutes after his parent leaves but they should deal with it more effectively than ignoring him. dont say nothing though.

The child might always be like that at drop off and fine ten minutes later. My ds is a determined blubber and cries floods at nothing. Some children really are just like that.

This comes down to whether you trust the staff at your nursery or not. If you usually think they are good with the children, I would trust their judgement on this. I can understand why this upset you though.

Sometimes children do get upset, and if it's about something that the staff can do nothing about, then there is no pointing comforting him. It can sometimes have the reverse effect and make a child think that there must really be something to worry about if the adults are making a big deal of it too. I woudo have hoped that they had spoken to him and tried to find out what was wrong, but then if they knew it was just him making a fuss then I don't think there is anything wrong in leaving him to it. sometimes it is better to just let them have a cry and then join in when they are ready.

But being able to do that relies on the staff being good and having good relationships with the children.

How well do you know the staff involved.

Agree with kitchen roll. Depending on why he is crying it can often make things worse and re in force the belief that its wrong and something to Apologise for taking him there and rewArding negative behavior etc. Sometimes all you can do is leave them provided they are safe and someone is watching them. I would perhaps politely mention it to the manager just in case and at least then you know that the staff are aware but chances are that after trying various measures that just leaving him to it is the most effective way of managing the problem. :)

I find this really sad I had a similar situation with my ds crying when I dropped him off at nursery and they always reassured me he stopped as soon as I left I later found out this was not the case, I was so do angry when I found out . If you know who the parent is I advise casually mentioning to the parent by saying oh is x ok I seen that he was really upset at nursery this morning

I spent a lot of time in a lot of nurseries trying to find one that I was happy with. This was precisely the sort of thing I was looking for and if I saw it I decided not to put dcs in ( which was why I saw a lot of nurseries , because it happens a lot!). How do you know it is not your dc 10 min after you've left? I would speak to the director about what their policies are for comforting children.

I would speak with the manager, even if they know about it they need to know their attitude is not on. While it's true that some children are easily upset and cry at the drop of a hat, from your OP it seems that this is more than just ignoring negative behaviour. Also, if "he is always like that" the parents should be aware of it and work together with the nursery to minimise his distress.

Poor little thing. I would definitely raise it with the manager. If he truly is always so sad maybe the nursery isn't the best place for him. The member of staff's response is what worries me most. It wasn't just that they had left him for a minute while doing something else.

He's 14 months, a baby!!! How can the nursery be so dismissive and uncaring. I wouldn't trust the care of my baby/child with any nursery that seemed to think nurturing a baby and having compassion for a baby was off the agenda!

Its worrying as if thats what they're doing whilst parents are dropping their children off, what are they doing when its just the staff there. :(

Definitely ask the manager whats going on and why he's being left to cry. If you're unsatisfied with their answer then obv consider removing your son and/or notifying Ofsted about your concern. I'd also be trying to catch his parent at hometime.

I think the boy in question was older than 14 months, but still. If kids were upset when dropped off at my dd's preschool they were cuddled on the teacher's lap and distracted with books etc.

I'm with stranded dd is going through her RADA phase at the minute. Out this morning & she went from being chirpy to 'meltdown streaming I'm being beaten' sad for no reason. In fact she looked me in the eye & announced blithely whilst smiling that she was going to cry.

She started doing it at night a few weeks ago. I was distraught at first & rushed in. That night she wailed & sobbed every 45 mins until I lost it & told her she'd be in BIG trouble (luckily this vague threat still works for now) if she carried on. She slept peacefully for the rest of the night. If we ignore her completely it stops, quite quickly. If we give any attention at all, it'll last for ages.

Of course that may not be the case here, but could it simply be an unreasonable demand for undivided attention that simply can't be met in this sort of environment? Perhaps the parents already know & have said ignore it.

If you see it daily for a sustained period then perhaps talk to someone, but don't take everything at face value.

If my DD was crying for no reason at home I would ignore her. If she was doing it at nursery I would want someone to comfort her, they are just incomparable situations to me.

When I worked at a nursery there is no way I would ignore a crying child. There are lots of different tactics we would try, and some of them are low key with very little attention given, but there would still be someone there, interacting with the child.

YANBU and I think you should query it with the manager, as well as telling the parent if you know who they are.

This is the reason I won't put my child in a nursery. I have worked in a lot of nurseries and this is pretty standard practise. I asked to be moved out of the baby room at one nursery as I found it too upsetting. Babies were left to cry without comfort as 'they had to learn to get used to not having constant attention'. They never do it in front of the parents and parents are always told that their child stopped crying 5 minutes after they left even if they had in fact spent the whole day crying.

It depends upon the age of the child.

I'm talking about older DCs here, but while cuddling or distaction works well for most most DCs, but there are a small minority, as KitchenRoll says, for whom it does not work, it ramps up their distress and they become inconsolable.

OTOH, "he's always like this", whilst it may be true (he may be upset for a short time and then be better quickly) sounds a bit dismissive.

I agree with IUseToomuchKitchenRoll

I worked in a Playgroup (2-5), BTW. If any child who, after the initial settling period, cried for more than 5 or 10 minutes, the parent was called to discuss strategy. No child was ever upset for the whole session

originaljamie, this is the true joy of playgroup! you can even phone mum/dad to come and pick them up earlier until they settle down and enjoy whole session!

of course the child in this thread does need better support and manager should recognise that this childs needs more 1 to 1 than other settled children.
But, if you have working parents, who work some distance away, you cant keep calling them to explain that little johnny is very upset.
sometimes a child just doenst get along with a day nursery setting and would thrive in with a childminder or nanny. however day nurseries are a business, and unless they have a huge waiting list, they arent going to recommed taking the child away. its up to the parents to come to that conclusion and make some changes if they want to, and sometimes they dont, sometimes they do.

eragon - yy. I do agree. I think Nursery probably just isn't right for some children, but it's pretty sad to think that the nursery would not put the needs of the child first and rely on the parents knowing exactly what is going on.

Yes I would tell the manager and the parents.

I think I'd raise it. It may well be that he was fine five minutes later and they can reassure you- it could be part of a plan they have. There is nothing wrong with leaving a child to cry for a short while if you know there is nothing wrong.
But as someone else said, they seemed a bit dismissive. I wouldn't be happy with leaving my own child there if that seemed to be their general approach.
To provide a bit of contrast, my dd usually goes off happily. Yesterday, she was desperate for the toilet when we arrived at nursery so she went off quickly to the toilet with one of the nursery staff and I left. Turns out she thought I'd be waiting for her when she came out of the toilet and was distraught that I had gone. But it was the first thing they told me when I came to get her. They told me she'd been upset, they told me who cuddled her and how long it took her to settle (about 15 minutes so quite a long time for a 3yo). And that's why I trust them - because they didn't brush over it, nor call me back needlessly, but dealt with it and then explained to me exactly what had happened and why. And it also means I know not to ever do that again.

I can't imagine this happening at the nursery we use (and have done for 4 years), yes many kids have a wobble when the parent disappears but at our place this is the cue for distracting by the key worker and lots of attention and cuddles, not being left with a streaming nose. I've lurked and peeked back through the window, totally out of sight, and arrived at odd times over the years so am fully aware this isn't a show put on for parents. Even my four year old was given attention and cuddles if he was grumpy on drop off.

I've never ever seen a screaming distressed kid left like that, and I'd be treating that as a warning sign to be honest.