AIBU to be upset by the way another child was treated at nursery?

[StephA]

When I dropped my son (aged 14 months) at nursery this morning, there was an older boy standing at the gate blocking off the preschool room, holding on to the gate and crying so unhappily. He was being left alone there with nobody comforting him. I had to go through this gate to get to my son?s room, and so I tried to give the boy a smile and say something consoling. A staff member came to meet me, and I said something like, ?This poor boy is so unhappy?. She said, ?Oh he?s always like that?, and pulled him away from the gate and stood him by some toys, and then came back to me. She didn?t get his designated carer to come to him, just left him standing there; so he walked back to the gate, and as I left he was in the same place as before, so lonely and distressed, tears streaming and nose dripping, with nobody paying any attention ? from her comment I assume he is left like this all day, every day. I just wanted to hug him and calm him but I was reluctant to touch a child not my own, so I left him there too.

Am I being unreasonable to be really bothered by this? I was almost in tears for this little boy, and wonder if his parents know how unhappy he is, and that he is not being consoled? What should I do? I thought of talking to the manager, but it?s a small place, so the manager must know of this treatment ? it must be acceptable to her? If it is, then I can?t have my son there any more; I don't think he is that unhappy but he does have a hard time esp. when I drop him off.

How long have you been using the nursery? I personally KNOW beyond doubt that this would never happen where we take DD. I have seen enough of the staff to be absolutley sure they would comfort any child who was crying for any reason. Hell, today I had to sign the accident book because DD had toppled over backwards and bumped her head. Treatment was recorded as 'cold compress and cuddles'. They admitted she didn't cry at all and didn't seem to have noticed she'd hit her head but she got cuddles anyway just in case.

I think if you've seen this and feel uncomfortable about it then you know the place isn't right for your child. And you should definately say something.

This would never have happened at the nursery where mine went when they were little, nor does it happen at the place where they have their breakfast club, which is also a nursery - children are cuddled, distracted, consoled, paid attention to and strategies for making separation easier discussed with parents to find something that works.

DD1 had a BIG phase of separation anxiety between ages 18 months and 2 years and the nursery was exemplary in supporting her through it (and me too). A good nursery should be dealing with this, especially with a child as young as 14 months. They're too little to drama queen at that age.

YANBU I think you should definitely mention something to the manager and their response will probably help you gauge quite well whether this nursery has got the kind of approach you can feel confident in.

That would have really upset me too - I know the older kids aren't cuddled as much as the babies, but when DS (2.8) uncharacteristically got really upset the other day when I left, he was immediately scooped up and hugged till he calmed down. I actually don't care what else happens at nursery as long as I can feel 100% confident that my kids get lots of love and if they are upset, they do everything to try and make it better!

Thanks so much for your comments. It is true that this was the first time I've seen this - I have been taking my son there for 5 months and the staff have seemed generally caring, and I feel like they are good with my own son (though he still cries when I leave him, they say 'it was only for ten minutes' etc - I'm not so sure about that after what you have said though!). I don't know the parents or the child at all, as he is in a different room from my son, so I'm not sure if the parents are aware. It was just that dismissive comment 'oh he's always like this' that chilled me. And seeing the child looking so desolate, so left alone - it's been bothering me all day. Diva behaviour or not, you would have to be pretty hardened to feel nothing for a child that desperately unhappy.

I just know that if I found out they had ever treated my son that way, he would be out of there instantly - I don't care how trivial the reason for the crying might be, if my baby were that upset I expect nursery staff to deal with it in some way - it's up to them to figure out what way is best, but they need to do something to calm the child.

So thinking it over today I decided I will write a note to the parents, describing what I saw, and leave it in the child's bag (all the children have bags on hooks with spare clothes etc) with my contact details if they want to ask me about it. Then if they want to bring it up with the manager they can, without me interfering in any arrangements they may already have.

And I'm going to watch for any more signs of this attitude (esp in the staff member concerned) and if I see it again then I will talk seriously to the manager. My second choice nursery has a six month waiting list... I looked them up today and think I'll join the list, just in case I have to move my son.