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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who gets to go out?

34 replies

Arana · 28/02/2012 06:54

DH and I have a clash of social lives. His old boss is leaving, and has arranged a sit down meal followed by drinks and a big night out on Thursday. I've just started a new job, and my buddy/mentor is having birthday drinks, also on Thursday.

He says it will be a great opportunity to network, although it will be with the same people he goes out with approximately once a week.

I have never been out with my new work colleagues, and haven't been out on that sort of thing more than twice in the last year.

I've tried to compromise and say that I go for a couple of hours after work, then he goes out later but he says it's not worth it.

MN jury, what do you reckon?

OP posts:

EndoplasmicReticulum · 28/02/2012 06:58

Flip a coin?

I'd say "leaving drinks" tops "new job drinks", but on the other hand if he gets to go out once a week and you haven't been out for ages it's definitely your turn.

No chance of a babysitter so you can both go?

StuckUpTheFezziwigTree · 28/02/2012 06:59

Very unfair if he goes out every week and you don't. Can someone mind the kids for you?

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 28/02/2012 07:01

can you not get a babysitter?

AWomanCalledHorse · 28/02/2012 07:03

I'd say whoever had plans/an invite in place first gets to go, surely one of you knew the other had plans first?

Ineedacleaneriamalazyslattern · 28/02/2012 07:04

It's hard because he goes out once a week the balance is obviously in your favour but I'm kind of swinging towards your dh sorry.
He has been invited to a sit down meal which presumably has already been booked and organised and it is his boss leaving. Birthday drinks with new colleagues sounds a bit less formal and more of a case of people just turning up.
A babysitter if you have anyone would be the best idea.

troisgarcons · 28/02/2012 07:13

Leaving do would take precedence. Only ever have one of those. you can have team drinks any time.

SilentBoob · 28/02/2012 07:15

I disagree. I think bonding with new colleagues / new job is more important than another round of drinks with people your husband sees all the time.

catsareevil · 28/02/2012 07:16

babysitter sounds like the obvious solution, failing that the comrpmise you have suggested sounds fair, if he is going out with those same colleagues on a weekly basis anyway (leaving dos important, but it doesnt sound like a uusually good networking opportunity, and you have not yet been out with colleagues.)

troisgarcons · 28/02/2012 07:18

Depends who is at the leaving do - if it's top brass, always a good opportunity to network. Also be ex-collegues who will have moved on to different firms - again in this market always a good idea to keep one eye on the job market and re-establish old contacts.

featherbag · 28/02/2012 07:20

If it were me, I'd let him go. Reasons: it's a leaving do for someone he's presumably known for some time; a sit down meal will have had to be organised and booked; going out for drinks with new people is usually fun, but what happens if you're bored/don't get on with them after they've had a couple/no-one turns up? You'd have to stay out anyway or it would seem like your DH had missed his meal for nothing!

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 28/02/2012 07:20

Leaving drinks take precedence, but I would also second the call to get a babysitter.

Original poster

Arana · 28/02/2012 07:25

We've just emigrated so he's known the guy for 5 months, and he's not leaving the company, just moving to a new office.

Babysitter not an option - my drinks are straight after work, but I'll be happy not to stay out too late, his do starts at 7 - we don't know anyone well enough to put our two to bed, and no family.

OP posts:

catsareevil · 28/02/2012 07:31

Can you go out, and come back in time for him to be 30 minutes late for the meal?

callmemrs · 28/02/2012 07:32

Who is looking after the children while you work? Could they not stay on longer, enabling you to go straight to your drinks do and then your husband to go out at 7? Even if you still came home earlyish, you could maybe leave it until 8 or so?
Im a little confused as to how you're both working yet don't yet know anyone well enough to do an evening babysit! You need to network to get that sorted for future occasions

Original poster

Arana · 28/02/2012 07:33

That's what I suggested, but he said it wasn't worth it.

OP posts:

AThingInYourLife · 28/02/2012 07:36

I think drinks with new colleagues is much more important for networking and work relationships than fake leaving drinks with colleagues he goes out with every week.

I think someone who goes out every week should be happy to give someone who goes out twice a year a chance to go out.

I think that making you miss a chance to get your new colleagues for a couple of hours because he doesn't "see the point" of compromising, when it would be very easy for you to go out briefly and then return so he could have most of his weekly jolly, is being a selfish dick.

I just can't imagine being in a relationship with someone who couldn't see the point of accommodating what mattered to me because it caused a tiny inconvenience to them.

Original poster

Arana · 28/02/2012 07:37

Call me mrs - daycare / nursery. We have to collect them by 6.

OP posts:

Original poster

Arana · 28/02/2012 07:38

Call me mrs - daycare / nursery. We have to collect them by 6.

OP posts:

AThingInYourLife · 28/02/2012 07:40

Well if it's "not worth it" then that's his decision about his night out.

He doesn't get to decide it's "not worth it" to prevent you going out.

Is he always this much of a dick?

Original poster

Arana · 28/02/2012 07:42

He's insisting I go out, but he's very much paying the martyr card. Hence my plea to mn jury.

OP posts:

BeeBawBabbity · 28/02/2012 07:42

It's your turn!!

callmemrs · 28/02/2012 07:43

Arena- when my kids were at nursery, many or the carers were more than happy to earn extra by doing some evening babysitting. If the nursery closes at 6, that's perfect. Your children would be with someone who already knows them well. If the carers cant do it- they are the ideal people to recommend someone who can. If you've lived there 5 months and have managed to sort jobs and day care, an evening babysitter should be pretty straightforward in comparison !

WhiteTrash · 28/02/2012 07:44

So he is basically saying his night out should override yours.

Hes being an arse. You gave him a good, more than fair compromise. If he wants to cut off his nose despite his face then stay out the whole night. Otherwise you'll both be in from 8pm and whats the point in that?

Do not forefit your night for this.

WhiteTrash · 28/02/2012 07:45

X-post.

Ok maybe hes not saying his night overrides yours, but if he wants to be a martyr let him. Its his loss. How daft.

mummytime · 28/02/2012 07:46

I would definitely get a babysitter, maybe from a proper agency. But then I often left my kids with new babysitters to put them to bed. Its not as if it will be for long, as you say your drinks will end pretty early.

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