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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that if you give up your kids and have no desire to see them you shouldn't class yourself as a mother

47 replies

Smurfy1 · 28/02/2012 03:34

The mother (I use the term loosely) decided that her new boyfriend (who isnt into kids - his words) was more important than her 10 yr old daughter so OH & me got given FULL custody and the youngest 2 aged 1 and 3 at the time got given to their dad and no access is wanted or sought by her to any of the 3 so that leaves her with the eldest who is self suffient effectively splitting up her 4 kids

End result 3 completely screwed up kids and her telling everyone she is a full time mother to 4 but its her life time for a new direction WTF

OP posts:
Blx2thelotofem · 28/02/2012 03:43

Is the 10 year old your DH's daughter?

Original poster
Smurfy1 · 28/02/2012 04:29

Yup who hasn't had any contact for 6 weeks and is so screwed up bless her, we re-instated contact with the youngest 2 but the mother has changed her number etc and wont allow sisters to meet

OP posts:
Blx2thelotofem · 28/02/2012 04:58

Then leave it. Can you organise contact for the youngest two and the 10 year old? Presumably the eldest can call you him/herself to arrange contact.

If the birth mother does not want contact for whatever reason, then let it go. Just be sure you do not criticise her or call her names in front of the DC as you would be storing up problems for the future.

Original poster
Smurfy1 · 28/02/2012 05:15

never have and never will critise mother or anything to weeone as far as weeone is concerned mummy is ill

OP posts:
troisgarcons · 28/02/2012 05:48

Four kids, three fathers? and a new bloke on the scene?

Classy lady.

nooka · 28/02/2012 05:58

That has to be incredibly painful for your poor step daughter. I wonder whether it might be possible to access some support for her? I bet she is in pieces. Well done on arranging contact with her little sisters. Thank goodness that there were homes for the girls to go to.

mumnotmachine · 28/02/2012 07:23

As far as the "mother" goes, well, any "mother" who puts the new bloke over her kids isnt fit to call herself a mother

Im glad the kids have homes to go to- although with the mothers attitude and the new bloke not being into kids, they are better off away from her- who knows what would happen if he doesnt like kids and they annoy him? Where they are now they are loved and cared for- could be a far cry from what their lives would be like under mothers care if shes so infatuated with new bloke

roughtyping · 28/02/2012 07:25

Troisgarcons, that's really the part that bothers you?

roughtyping · 28/02/2012 07:26

OP, your poor SD. How is she coping?

Threeprinces · 28/02/2012 08:03

YANBU I can't imagine how any mother would willingly give up her kids.

MarieFromStMoritz · 28/02/2012 08:25

Maybe the birth mother is genuinely 'ill'.

BiddyPop · 28/02/2012 08:49

Can you get the contact details of the other father, and arrange contact through him (or even, if that is politically difficult for bloke #2 and bloke#3 to meet etc, you and other step mom do the talking and arrangements)? Do you HAVE to go through the bio mom?

Sorry, not particularly used to step-families, so pardon me if that seems like a daft suggestion.

Poor kids :(

Trills · 28/02/2012 08:50

YABU

It's a quite specific term. You can't use it "loosely".

The woman gave birth to children. She is therefore a mother. (there are other ways to become a mother, but this one is fairly non-negotiable)

lesley33 · 28/02/2012 08:51

The mother sounds dreadful. But tbh she is still the girl's "mother" and most children, even those who are badly abused, still love their mothers.

CinnabarRed · 28/02/2012 09:23

Better, perhaps, to say:

To think that if you give up your kids and have no desire to see them you shouldn't class yourself as a PARENT

Horrid behaviour, but no different from fathers who do the same.

treadwarily · 28/02/2012 09:23

Heartbreaking for the children and thankfully there are people who love them, want them and will take care of them. I hope you get the support you need to help your sd start to heal.

GrownUp2012 · 28/02/2012 09:32

I don't think the number of children to fathers has any bearing here, it's the abandonment of these children and their suffering that is the key point.

Is this lady quite well? I guess she will always be their mother, even though she isn't really acting like one at the moment. Handing over their care is one thing, but refusing to see them is quite another. Could it be temporary? Do you think that she has maybe had a bit of a turn from not coping?

They are lucky to have you, I hope you can help them to adjust, and that their mother comes to her senses with regards to maintaining contact with them.

keepingupwiththejoneses · 28/02/2012 09:38

Horrible woman. OP I hope you have legal custody. It is very possible she will split up with this bloke in a few months and want her kids back which will create even more heartache for your sd. She can not be allowed to come in and out of her life when she feels like.

treadwarily · 28/02/2012 09:52

Oh and I'm sorry if this just sounds really wet or inappropriate but I whenever I read of an abandoned child who has been taken in by someone, I always want to tell the carer THANK YOU. Just as whenever I read of a child tortured to death or similar atrocity I feel tormented that no one, no one looked out for them.
Abuse leaves terrible pain, we know that, but remember too that kindness is very healing for both the giver and the receiver. So hang onto your compassion, you are making a huge difference to a precious little girl.

WibblyBibble · 28/02/2012 09:55

Jesus. If she's not got a mental health reason for acting like that, she is the worst kind of bitch. Poor kids.

However, troisgarcons, I know women who have children with three different fathers who are excellent parents and far more educated and classy than women who feel free to insult them for that alone. Just because this woman is a bad parent does not indicate a causal relationship between those two facts. I know plenty of once-married women with only one father for their children who are horrible, take drugs, are constantly pissed, neglect their children, etc. Maybe I should call all women who have a single childrearing partner 'classy' on that basis? Or maybe you should stick your 1950s slut shaming up your arse?

AmberLeaf · 28/02/2012 10:05

Im no more shocked or outraged by this than I would be by the stories I hear about men that effectively abandon their offspring.

IAmBooyhoo · 28/02/2012 10:12

oh please!! can we stop with the "oh she slept with more than one man (4 kids/3 fathers/new bloke)" comments. it isn't a crime to have sex. it isn't a crime to have sex with more than one person. it isn't a crime to have children with those people. none of that is relevant to the issue. her parenting 'skills' are what is affecting these children, not who their fathers are.

LittleJennyRobyn · 28/02/2012 10:14

I totally get where you are coming from OP after having been in the same position myself.

BM left when DD and DS were very young aged 2+3 (i dont use the word step anymore)
Contact has been very minimal for the last 20 years, her choice.
She messed with thier emotions so often DD has had a tough time dealing with it over the years. I have picked up the pieces time and time again. But thats only thing you can do.

She went on to have more DC's with her new DH, but will proudly anounce that she has X amount of children even though she has had no kind of motherly relationship with DD and DS since giving them up.
In fact she tried to lay blame for the lack of contact on me and DH even though we activly encouraged her...but to no avail.

Yes she is thier mother, nothing will change that but as far as i am concerned i am mum, I have and always will be there for them no matter what.

It hasn't been always been plain sailing and there were times i wanted to throw in the towel but we got through it as a family.

Just concentrate on giving that little girl some stability and the love that she deserves. And be there when she needs you.

FYP · 28/02/2012 10:16

Why must a woman be mentally ill to do this?! Men aren't met with cries of 'ooh he must be mentally ill to leave his kids!' so why are women?

It's also offensive to people who do have mental health issues who are perfectly good parents.

Babieseverywhere · 28/02/2012 10:19

It is shocking to hear a mother doing this to her children. As this has the added dimension of the children being divided into three groups and partly denied access to each other as well as their mother, makes me want to cry.

Well done OP in getting contact sorted out with the younger two siblings and I hope for your DSD's sake that she eventually regains contact with her biological mother and older sibling too.