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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that if you give up your kids and have no desire to see them you shouldn't class yourself as a mother

47 replies

Smurfy1 · 28/02/2012 03:34

The mother (I use the term loosely) decided that her new boyfriend (who isnt into kids - his words) was more important than her 10 yr old daughter so OH & me got given FULL custody and the youngest 2 aged 1 and 3 at the time got given to their dad and no access is wanted or sought by her to any of the 3 so that leaves her with the eldest who is self suffient effectively splitting up her 4 kids

End result 3 completely screwed up kids and her telling everyone she is a full time mother to 4 but its her life time for a new direction WTF

OP posts:

ShirleyO · 28/02/2012 10:20

My XH's mother left three children (the youngest was under a year) to be with XH's father. She then left him to be with someone else.

No contact with any of them - I just find it baffling TBH, but no more baffling than the fact that XH has now effectively done the same thing to our two children.

GrownUp2012 · 28/02/2012 10:34

I'm a mentally ill parent who has in the past considered my children might be better off without me, so I was just suggesting that perhaps it could be the case, as I would do with a father who had in the past raised his children, then suddenly handed them over with no interest in seeing them. It's nothing to do with the sex of the parent, and more to do with the behaviour.

I did not intend to be offensive, since I am myself one of those who should be apparently offended. I was trying to be supportive.

Archemedes · 28/02/2012 10:38

Thats a horrible situation for the kids,
no she shouldnt class herself as a mother, but people will find out the truth in time.

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 28/02/2012 10:59

Your poor SD, thank God she has her dad and you.

Agree with the idea of going through the other Dad for sibling contact. With the eldest, can you make independent contact via FB or something? How old is she?

Lots of love and stability to your SD.

NowThenWreck · 28/02/2012 13:05

Sorry, but I think mothers and fathers are different. I think a mother leaving her children is worse.
I know several people who were abandoned by a father, and a few who were abandoned by a mother. The latter are still screwed up about it. It's the ultimate betrayal, so I agree with OP that this woman can't regard herself as a mother.
Not to say it's fine when men do it (obviously , it's not, but it is different)

IAmBooyhoo · 28/02/2012 13:29

nowthen it's only worse (in your opinion) because society tells us it is worse. society is created around the idea that women are the main caregivers and this makes it easier for men to leave. for the adults you know, it may be a case of them finding the mother abandonment so much harder a) because their mum was main caregiver and b) because society tells them it is worse for a mother to do it. not sure if i am being very clear but basically, if people are saying "it's worse when a mother leaves" they're perpetuating the idea. society needs to change it's way of thinking and hold fathers who leave equally responsible for the damage they cause.

tangledupinblue2 · 28/02/2012 13:44

How awful for all the children, and difficult for you OP.

Can I suggest that if you aren't already, you keep a written record of what's happened/when/any future relevant info re mum's involvement etc. Might be useful in future if third parties get involved again in deciding where children should be/contact arrangements and so on.

TheFeministsWife · 28/02/2012 13:56

YANBU! The same situation with my DSD's mother. She will tell anyone who listens that she has 3 children and is a wonderful mother, yet hasn't brought any of her 3 kids up for years. DSD has lived with us for over 10 years (she's now an adult) and her younger sister and brother live with the youngest brother's dad (he's not the father of her sister but is still bringing her up with his girlfriend anyway, he's a great bloke).

DSD is a bloody awful woman. DSD sees her sporadically, not through choice, just if she happens to be at her grandparent's house when she visits. Last week her mother asked her if she loved me more than she does her, DSD replied of course she does, she wouldn't really care if her mother dropped dead. Tells you everything really.

TheFeministsWife · 28/02/2012 13:57

Gah DSD's mother not DSD

QuintessentialyHollow · 28/02/2012 14:00

"I don't think the number of children to fathers has any bearing here, it's the abandonment of these children and their suffering that is the key point. "

On the contrary, it is highly relevant! If there was not so many fathers involved, the children would not have been split up! Not only have they lost mum, they have lost each other also.

NowThenWreck · 28/02/2012 14:00

IAmBooyhoo-
Even when the father is the main care giver (as in my friends case, when his mum left) I still think it's worse for the child.
I mean, maybe, yes, it's society in the way that everyone has a mum, so if your mum leaves (in the childs eyes) you really arnt loved, but I still think that on a primal, emotional level it hurts more anyway.

ArielNonBio · 28/02/2012 14:08

*Why must a woman be mentally ill to do this?! Men aren't met with cries of 'ooh he must be mentally ill to leave his kids!' so why are women?

It's also offensive to people who do have mental health issues who are perfectly good parents.*

I fully agree with this. My DB has schizophrenia and he is being the very best parent he can be. His daughter is delightful and happy.

Why is this any more shocking than a man casually fathering offspring and not giving a damn about any of them?

Original poster

Smurfy1 · 28/02/2012 18:47

No weeone is self harming, thinks we don't punish her enough WTF an thinks we will forget about her and she will starve like mummy apparently her mum would leave them to it and forget about picking her up from school

No mental issues apart from drugs and vodka her parting words to DSD ionfront of us were you will never see your sister or brothers again and the door was slammed

Weeone has no self worth, thinks she is evil and naughty and has told us we dont really love her as mummy told me so im unlovable

She is the most gorgeous loving child you will meet and it breaks our hearts but yes she adores her mum rightly or wrongly we would never stop contact due to this but the mum has our address and contact numbers I have emailed her but she has never bothered replying

OP posts:

minimisschief · 28/02/2012 18:55

knew a neighbour who did this. she up and left to the bewilderment of her husband. turns out months later she cheated and moved in with another man. he didnt know what to tell the kids.

GrownUp2012 · 28/02/2012 18:55

Poor kid. Give her lots of love, and make a point of trying to arrange contact with her brothers and sisters. Perhaps some counselling too, since it sounds like she has some more long term issues with emotional abuse from her mum, plus this difficult situation to try and deal with.

PufftyMagicDragon · 28/02/2012 18:56

Poor poor child :( I second the councelling, this is alot to deal with for anyone let alone a small child. give her all the love in the world :(

as you now have full custody, would you consider adopting her? i really dont think she should go back to her mother...

keepingupwiththejoneses · 28/02/2012 19:06

Poor little thing must be so messed up. When they are young they believe everything mummy says no matter how stupid. I agree about leaving the contact avenues open but as I said in my last post I hope you have done the custody legally as she might just change her mind in a few months or a year depending on how long her current relationship lasts, and how must worse would the poor thing be then. I hope you manage to get your SD to believe what she really is, I am sure you will but it will take time.

Original poster

Smurfy1 · 28/02/2012 19:41

She has started counselling at the school and I have a dopctors appointment tomorrow to see if I can persuade them to refer to CAHMS

We spoke to a lawyer and they told us the letter she worte stating that Oh & ME have full custody and PR is the same as if a court had given it and the mother would have to take us to court to break it so all good there

Wish she had done that 6 yrs ago when we started fighting for access it would have saved alot of stress thats for sure (selfish thought I know)

We have contact established with the mother mum & gran as she cut off contact with her kids 2 yrs ago (still dont know why and neither do they) and her younger brothers have constant access and visits lol they are gorgeous wee things too

Stupid selfish thought (please dont slate me) but I cant help feeling blessed in a way as I can't carry full term and stopped trying after my last miscarridge at 12.5 weeks

OP posts:

KateSpade · 28/02/2012 22:01

It's horrible for the kids, but they are lucky to have a father and Step-mum in their lives like you two.

I used to self harm really badly when i was around 15 because i got mixed up in drugs and all sorts, it was a bad time, but I'm totally fine now. My point is with that, that it doesn't last forever, and sometimes its just a way of coping and people stop in their own time. I saw a million councillors/ psychologists, act, but eventually stopped and just recently i feel really self-conscious about the scars on my arms, as i know people see them and judge.

I hope she stops soon, and feels better.

You sound like a great step-mum, OP.

flibbertywidget · 28/02/2012 22:23

this thread is so sad. Poor children. Abandonment is horrific. And I have to say that I think it is worse when a mother does it, but just IMO. and It probably depends on who does the majority of the childcare and who forges the closer relationships etc.

OP - you sound like the best step mum, wish mine was as nice as you.

Original poster

Smurfy1 · 28/02/2012 22:36

Thanks I'm finding this site very theriputic as I can't comment at home as it wouldnt be fair on OH as he is stressed about weeone and he is getting the brunt of her insecurities and DSD well I would rather die than let her know how I feel! So getting it out here is great and thanks for letting me x

ATM OH is at home with her and I know she was having a hard time after I left for work as she was scared I wasn't coming back and stuff

OP posts:

purpleroses · 28/02/2012 22:42

I wouldn't worry what the mother is telling everyone. I think society generally judges mothers who don't have their kids living with them pretty harshly, especially if she's not in contact at all. She can shout about having 4 kids all she likes, but people will know what is actually the case.

I have a grandmother I've not seen in 20+ years, who I reluctantly still retain the title grandma for ocassional Christmas cards (I send her a bit of news and photo of the DCs - she replies "Dear purpleroses and DCs. From Grandma" - that's it). But I also have a step gran, who married my other grandad who is completely a granny to me, despite the fact that I call her by name. It is her who I talk to, love and care about. Relationships are made not awarded by birth. Enjoy that this little girl has come into your life, OP.

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