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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about DH's mobile phone? Am I overbearing or is he rude?

53 replies

Arana · 27/02/2012 23:18

Every day me and DH get the train to work together after dropping the DCs off at nursery. This is fairly new as I've just gone back to work. DH used to get the train by himself until a month ago.

Within 30 seconds of arriving on the platform (after parking etc) DH has got his phone out and is checking facebook, news sites, work emails. He'll usually then put it away after about 5 minutes.

He'll talk to me still, but it's more in grunts and "yes dears" than meaningful conversation.

AIBU to want to talk to my husband, chat about the day ahead, make small talk and then get mobiles out? I'm not expecting him to talk to me the whole time, but I find it very a bit rude that the first thing he does is gets his damn phone out.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 27/02/2012 23:22

Only 5 minutes and then he puts it away before he talks to you? Confused

I can't see the problem really.

If he took it out in the middle of a conversation, that would be rude...but he's checking it and then talking to you.

I take it you've already spoken at home and in the car also?

aldiwhore · 27/02/2012 23:27

Okay. He doesn't want to talk to you, he doesn't want to chat, he loves you but he simply wants to use this time NOT to chat, talk and gaze at you.

Why can't you chat about the day ahead and make small talk over breakfast?

You nutter Grin stop being so offended, take a book, open it, read... occassional grin at your husband, but ffs, I'm talkative, but even I don't want to talk to my (very much adored) husband ALL day.

Find comfort that you can be quiet together, and he will probably talk more.

He has his routine, and just because you've joined it and see it as a wonderful opportunity for chit chat, doesn't mean he does, or that he loves you less.

I learned this a while back. I was you at one point! Chill out.

scarletforya · 27/02/2012 23:34

He's probably used to his little bit of him time while on the commute and doesn't want to chat.

Have you got a smart phone....if not get one and enjoy the chance of some peaceful browsing etc

If you can't beat 'em join 'em.

NoDontLickThat · 27/02/2012 23:35

Yabu sorry, at least it's only 5 minutes he's on his phone for

Original poster
Arana · 27/02/2012 23:37

Yeah I know I'm being oversensitive, I suppose it's just my first chance to actually think about the day ahead and order my thoughts for the day, and I like to chat about it while we can - once we're on the train it can be awkward if it's busy.

OP posts:
playdotcom · 27/02/2012 23:37

I'm with you, I'd be annoyed. I have couple friends who tweet and facebook each other on their phones when they are together, really annoying. Me and my DH wouldn't dream of being on our phones whilst in each other's company. Each to their own though.

ChaosTrulyReigns · 27/02/2012 23:41

Do you not converse on the car journey to the station?

Casmama · 27/02/2012 23:43

If he said to you do you think you could shut up and give me peace for five minutes then I could understand you being irritated but if he is still making an attempt then I think you would be overbearing to say anything. Why not let him have five mins to check his phone and then enjoy his undivided attention when he's done?

playdotcom · 27/02/2012 23:47

I'm totally against anyone putting their online life before my real life one if I'm being honest. I think it's rude. I never MN or Tweet when DH is around, why would I? The OP's DH has all day to check Facebook (yawn) and should be making idle chit chat with his wife for the limited time he has with her before his day, as should she. Jeezo, why is EVERYONE so wrapped up in fucking Facebook? Seriously.

BluddyMoFo · 27/02/2012 23:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 27/02/2012 23:51

But he's used to his own routine

He can talk to the OP over breakfast, in the car and then again once they're on the train.

All the guy wants is his usual 5 mins to read his phone

Most people spend 5x that amount of time reading the morning paper!

Salmotrutta · 27/02/2012 23:54

When I used to share a car ride to work with DH, I just wanted to quietly contemplate the coming day mentally. I'm not a morning person. In fact I'm often spectacularly grumpy in the morning.
I didn't want to "chat" in the car - and he didn't much either.
We'd have been the same on a train.
Plenty of time to froth about colleagues and their annoyingness on the way home!
I suspect your DH enjoyed his little "zone-out" time to gaze out of the train window and now you are disturbing the peace! Grin

Salmotrutta · 27/02/2012 23:55

Actually I can't be doing with inane idle chit-chat in the morning.
Told you I was grumpy ... Grin

McHappyPants2012 · 27/02/2012 23:58

my commute to work is my time.

when DH picks me up, i need alittle time to myself before anything else.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 27/02/2012 23:59

I'm with Bluddy. Much as I'm sure he loves and respects you, I bet he's well pleased to have his journey hijacked by you. I would have hated DH tagging along on my journey to work. It was mine to occupy myself how I wished before the day started properly.

Original poster
Arana · 28/02/2012 00:31

I guess I'm just with playdotcom. I think it rude to use your phone in other peoples' immediate company. I would never get my phone out in company unless someone else did it first, and I was left with nothing else to do. In the same way that I wouldn't start reading a book.

I find it a bit sad that people don't talk to eachother any more, they just broadcast their views to the world.

OP posts:
ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 28/02/2012 00:50

Why don't you try talking to your husband about this - it will be far more productive than discussing it on here. Why not ask him if you can swap it around, chat on the platform then do your own thing on the train.

troisgarcons · 28/02/2012 05:54

Dear god - talking? trains? arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!

Trains are your personal down time when you are working and juggling a family. Perhaps he doesn't actually like chattering about inanities first thing in the morning?

gamerwidow · 28/02/2012 06:09

YABU just talk to him before you get to the station it's only 5 minutes of time hes asking for. Me and DH cuaght the train together for years and just did our own thing on the train. Train journeys are a chance for a bit of peace before the day ahead to read, listen to music etc. not yak on about stuff you could have talked about at home

Iggly · 28/02/2012 06:13

Stop giving the OP a hard time. I read it as she wants a quick chat first then phones out. This guy is straight on his phone then speak to wife, as if phone is his priority.

I'm guilty of getting my phone out so male a conscious effort not too. I glare at ask dh to do the same but he doesn't always get the hint and checks the footie all day Saturday for example

troisgarcons · 28/02/2012 06:24

People have set routines for commutting - and a chatterbox in your lug when you are trying to order your own thoughts for the day is IMHO a divorcable offence. Ok maybe thats harsh. But possibly I'd seriously be having murderous thoughts if somone tried to engage me in the morning before I was ready to communicate. Especially if they were persistant. Daily. >shudder<

With gamerwidow on this one.

samandi · 28/02/2012 06:25

How would you cope if you had to get the train by yourself? As others have said, there is probably time for chat over breakfast and in the car.

Lueji · 28/02/2012 06:33

He has his routine, and he probably enjoys this quiet time (many men need their quiet time, and tbh sometimes so do I).

This used to be his time, probably. :) And he is switching from family to work mindset.

Could you ask him to only get his phone once he is in the train, or does he find it difficult to check his e-mails there?

I still wouldn't expect much of a meaningful conversation, though.

Please don't be too tough on him.

SurroundedByPlasticCrap · 28/02/2012 06:44

YABU, me and dh used to work in the same place but we would walk to work separately so we could both have a little me time.

Time to yourself is important, especially around the work day.

Shutupanddrive · 28/02/2012 07:31

Yabu, it's 5 minutes and then he puts it away!