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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about DH's mobile phone? Am I overbearing or is he rude?

53 replies

Arana · 27/02/2012 23:18

Every day me and DH get the train to work together after dropping the DCs off at nursery. This is fairly new as I've just gone back to work. DH used to get the train by himself until a month ago.

Within 30 seconds of arriving on the platform (after parking etc) DH has got his phone out and is checking facebook, news sites, work emails. He'll usually then put it away after about 5 minutes.

He'll talk to me still, but it's more in grunts and "yes dears" than meaningful conversation.

AIBU to want to talk to my husband, chat about the day ahead, make small talk and then get mobiles out? I'm not expecting him to talk to me the whole time, but I find it very a bit rude that the first thing he does is gets his damn phone out.

OP posts:
featherbag · 28/02/2012 07:32

You'd be lucky to get much more than a grunted fuck off out of me on my way to work to be honest! I'm with your DH, YABU, leave the poor bloke alone and get yourself a Kindle or something!

Goolash · 28/02/2012 07:52

Yabu

It's his routine quiet time to catch up on such things before work. I'm similar.

annh · 28/02/2012 08:07

Hah! Commuting is not the time for catching up on small talk, planning your weekend, or anything else. Have you not yet noticed that nearly every commuter is plugged into their own private world of music, websites or the newspaper on the train? You would irritate me if I sat next to you on the train and had to listen to you ordering your thoughts out loud, never mind having to take part in the conversation! Most commuters use the commute as down-time to gear themselves up for the day ahead. Spending it chatting,making decisions about school, holidays, whatever just feels like an extension of the workday.

Flisspaps · 28/02/2012 08:23

That wouldn't bother me as we'd have had all morning to chat. In fact, that would be quite pleasant.

What does get on my tits is DH walking in from a day at work when I've been at home with a toddler, plonking himself on the sofa and then getting his bastard iphone out and catching up on FB and Twitter whilst barely engaging with me or DD until it suits him.

It would make me less stabby if he kept the phone away until DD has gone to bed and then he can just ignore me instead. He had a pop at me for being on the computer when he got in from work so I make a point of coming off it regardless of what I am doing when he gets in, only to be ignored.

It'll get worse now, he got an iPad yesterday Hmm, and was emailing his HoD whilst getting dressed this morning. I suggested he speak to her face to face when he arrived at work a whole 30 minutes later, and he told me that they'd already exchanged a few emails this morning (yet he'd barely managed to speak to me or DD!) - he's a teacher, it's not like he's a high powered executive who won't be in the sodding office all day Angry

And to top it all off, this morning he was lying in bed playing Scramble with Friends and DD was standing next to him and had picked up his glasses - he wanted me to lean over him with a dodgy shoulder and 34+6 enormobump to take them off her because he was playing his game Angry

And yes, I have told him this makes me cross

Perhaps I should email....

Hormonal rant over Grin

Iggly · 28/02/2012 08:27

You should email Fliss!

2rebecca · 28/02/2012 08:35

I think he had a routine of doing this on the train and if there is some work related stuff he still wants to check his phone before arriving. Expecting him to drop his routine because you get the same train seems rude of you. Many people view commuting as preparing for work. Different if a bloke does this when you are out for the evening together. I'm not a morning chatter though.

Gay40 · 28/02/2012 08:36

If I was your DH, I'd have already said "Look lovey, every morning for years I've got the train and entertained myself. Now you come along and want to talk to me about bloody teatowels and people at work and the kids after school stuff when I'd rather just zone out before work. Now, either get yourself an iphone, ipod or Kindle and let me have my own time."
Talk to him the rest of the time ffs. You live together, why must you monopolise his travel to work?

AThingInYourLife · 28/02/2012 08:45

I love how everyone presumes that talking to your spouse = wittering on about inanities.

Must be tough being so profound in a world of shallow small talk :o

I'm glad I'm not married to someone I find it that pointless and boring to talk to.

DH and I don't get that much time to chat, so it's welcome when we get it.

Neither of us are morning people, so when we have commuted together it's been companiable silence on the platform, phones out on the train.

BluddyMoFo · 28/02/2012 08:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RachelWalsh · 28/02/2012 09:02

I find chatting in the morning really hard going and would rather just have a bit of time to wake up and sort my head out. My dh tends to be super jolly in the morning and I've learned to tolerate it, as he has learned to tolerate my minimal responses...

I think you are being unreasonable - I don't think it sounds like it is anything personal, just that he needs a bit of quiet time before work rather than chatting.

OTheHugeManatee · 28/02/2012 10:11

YABU. It's his routine quiet time for catching up on what's happening in the world and get his head into work mode. I do something similar and would find it a bit odd if DP got his head in a point about it even if I then spent the rest of the journey chatting to him Confused

bringbacksideburns · 28/02/2012 10:17

YABU. I'm not a morning person - I have to get to work and have another cuppa before feeling human some days.

What's wrong with a bit of peace and quiet?
You can speak to him later.

eurochick · 28/02/2012 10:29

I hate chatting to people in the morning. The journey for work is for thinking about what I need to do or escaping for 20 mins into a book or some music. My husband leaves 10 mins before me in the morning so we both get this time to ourselves.

MaMattoo · 28/02/2012 12:43

Yabu! My DH wakes up to his phone, eats breakfast with it. Goes to bed with it. He is a complete addict...he answers when spoken to, does work around the house, plays with DS...but oh I so wish the iPhone had not been invented. There are times when the phone, tv, laptop are all on, around him and he is using all three. Also spends most weekend mornings on the sofa playing with his phone.
You are being VERY unreasonable - 5 mins is good, great infact.

Adversecamber · 28/02/2012 13:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hopenglory · 28/02/2012 13:16

I share a lift with a colleague. We have an agreement whereby we don't talk for the first 15 minutes of the journey in the mornings

AbbyAbsinthe · 28/02/2012 13:26

Absolutely and completely what Gay40 said.

mojitomania · 28/02/2012 13:49

Not a morning person either all three of us get up in the morning and either go to or stay in separate rooms Grin

HellonHeels · 28/02/2012 14:08

I also agree with Gay40, 2Rebecca and OTheHuge. Your DH sounds as though he's already made a compromise on his normal morning commute routine to chat to you - cut him some slack and leave him in peace the rest of the time.

I actively avoid anyone I know during my commute - the last thing I want to do is talk to anyone. My commute time is for ipod, reading/writing emails, reading books or snoozing.

ChippyMinton · 28/02/2012 14:15

is it just me or is the over-use of the word "chat" on this thread making anyone else's teeth itch?

OP YABU. If I was your DH I'd be suggesting travelling in different carriages.

Nectar · 28/02/2012 14:24

I can see both sides OP, but DO sympathise with you!

Some years back my dh was working temporarily in an office on the same road as my workplace, was a 15 minute walk away and we both started at 9 so I just assumed we'd walk together. I'm naturally quite a chatty person so would be chattering about all sorts of things on that walk, ie plans for my working day, hoping dd and her friend would make up at school today, deciding whether to pop into mum's after work or leave it till the weekend, you get the idea!

I was feeling hurt tbh most mornings with dh's one word answers, the occasional sigh or sometimes realising I was talking to myself as he was several paces ahead of meBlush. I told him this and he just said he's not feeling particularly chatty in the mornings, and up until he'd been used to an hour long commute by train on his own and was used to having that time. I got the hump a bit and just said I'd leave earlier and walk by myself every day, he said there was no need for that but it was a better solution than arriving at work BOTH feeling irritated with the other!

On the other hand though, sometimes I feel a bit irritated if i'm deep in thought on the school run, or enjoying a bus ride into town not having to referee between arguing kids etc, and someone joins me, starts chatting inanely and totally shatters the peace so I can see both sides.

2rebecca · 28/02/2012 14:43

The OP was the one who mentioned wanted to make small talk and chat about the day ahead. This sounds like the sort of constant wittering I would hate first thing on a morning. I have no desire to talk about my day at work before I get there or discuss it after I get home. Companionable silence is under-rated.

mythical · 29/02/2012 13:19

Sorry but i think yabu.. we do this last thing before going to bed - reading news checking FB etc, sometimes together but most of the times separately as i read much faster! can't you find something to do on your own for 5 minutes?

Pandemoniaa · 29/02/2012 13:24

You expect him to chat in the mornings? What an appalling idea! I'm sorry but YABU here. Mornings on the train are not for banal chatter. They are for waking up on and getting your head into work mode on.

He seems quite a reasonable chap, your DH. I'd have told you to shut up right from the outset!

Flimflammery · 29/02/2012 13:31

OP: I find it a bit sad that people don't talk to eachother any more, they just broadcast their views to the world.

And you're making this comment on the internet!
Oh the irony.
Grin

seriously - what aldiwhore said.

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