AIBU to be fed up and upset

[lucylookout]

This morning, DP got up a bit before ds (age4) and me. Ds and I were in living room and DP asked ds what he wanted for breakfast. Ds said 'nothing yet please'. Then DP said something else which we couldn't hear, so I went into kitchen and asked what he said. Without looking at me DP said 'I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to ds', I said 'oh, ok, but he doesn't want any breakfast yet'. DP clearly irritated said 'I KNOW that, god you're interfering'. Then I said, still trying to be pleasant 'have you had your breakfast yet?' He replied, not looking at me, 'why would I be making toast if I hadn't had breakfast?' I said it might have been for ds, so then, last attempt at being nice I said 'oh right, so what have you been doing this morning since you got up if you haven't had breakfast?' I was looking at him waiting for him to answer, after a few seconds he swung round to me saying 'will you STOP staring at me'. I said I wasn't staring, just waiting for an answer and something about how it would be nice if he were a little more civil. He replied that 'civility is boring'. I left it after that and have barely talked to him since, apart from telling him to piss off when he told me to 'cheer up for god's sake'. Now this might sound like a small incident but it's always like this, one day he's alright, the next he can barely be bothered to acknowledge me. He also doesn't like going on holiday so we haven't been on one for years. He doesn't like going out in the evening, so we hardly ever do that either. I'm a SAHM, so don't earn. We don't have a joint account, the agreement is that he puts money into my account monthly, except he doesn't unless i remind him and then he makes a big deal about doing it. He earns quite well and his family is rich, so money isn't short. We've had a rough couple of years, I'm 19 weeks pregnant (so maybe very hormonal) but we've had 2 preg losses (one a late loss), he was diagnosed with MS and his mum had cancer, which she's now recovering from, he's also suffered from depression in the past. I've always felt fairly sure we could work it out, although I have suggested counselling in the past which, surprise, surprise he's refused. I just don't feel like I can go on like this, I don't in my heart of hearts want to split up and be a single mum, but today I have found myself fantasising about having my own place where I don't have to put up with all of these emotional ups and downs.

Did I read that right - he (your DP) has been diagnosed with MS? If so, YABVU. It must be awful for him. Cut him some slack FFS.

YANBU! Yes MS is terrible (My SIL has it) but it;s no reason to be rude! It doesnt sound like a great relationship to be honest but maybe he is just a bit overwhelmed at the moment.

Maybe give him some space and then when he is a bit more approachable then you need to have a serious chat with him.

YABU...

Oldgreywiffle yes, he was diagnosed with MS, 2 years ago. He doesn't talk about it with anyone, although so far the symptoms are fortunately mild (just a little discomfort in one leg). Clearly how it's affecting him mentally is a whole different matter, as well as any side effects of the medication he's on. I would do absolutely anything to help him with the MS, and think counselling could help us here too, to communicate better with each other about it (I think he's a bit in denial). What gets to me is that he's so considerate and kind to his friends ( he has a couple of close friends) and esp to his family, but I and often ds get the irritable leftovers. His mum was diagnosed with mouth cancer a year ago, and got the all clear a couple of months ago.

It sounds like you both need to be nicer to each other, and if that can't happen then you do need to think about what life would be like separately. Neither of you sound like you are enjoying life at all.

OP... sorry, you're not going to like this but this morning? Your DP was en route out to work and you're going into the kitchen to pull him up on something he was talking to your son about? I'm assuming you were going to get your son's breakfast as you were staying at home. It sounds as if you wanted to go in and pick at him a bit?

I think you're making a fuss about very little really. Telling somebody to 'piss off' is ridiculously childish too.

If you don't want to be with your partner, don't - perhaps he won't mind either rather than putting up with aggro - but don't be with him just so as not to be a single mum.

We're not all morning people, I'm a monster when dp (anybody for that matter) tries to talk to me before I'm fed and dosed with strong coffee. Give him some space in the mornings and don't annoy him with loads of silly questions.

You're husband probably can't physically cope with socialising due to his ms, try to find something easy, like dinner, then straight home? It will get him into the habit of going out without exhausting him. His bad humour is likely to do with the stress of his illness and his worries for the future.

Oldgreywiffle yes, he was diagnosed with MS, 2 years ago. He doesn't talk about it with anyone, although so far the symptoms are fortunately mild (just a little discomfort in one leg). Clearly how it's affecting him mentally is a whole different matter, as well as any side effects of the medication he's on. I would do absolutely anything to help him with the MS, and think counselling could help us here too, to communicate better with each other about it (I think he's a bit in denial). What gets to me is that he's so considerate and kind to his friends ( he has a couple of close friends) and esp to his family, but I and often ds get the irritable leftovers. I have cut him loads of slack and made a lot of excuses for his behaviour, but have got to the stage where I do get pissed off that he thinks it's ok to be really rude to me. And because he never talks about the MS I never know if that's what the problem is (for example if he said 'I had a really bad night's sleep because my leg was playing up, can I just have a coffee before you talk to me', I would be completely understanding. But he never actually says what's on his mind, he's just really moody instead. (His mum was diagnosed with mouth cancer a year ago, and got the all clear a couple of months ago.)

I agree with lyingwitch - the nagging at him early in the morning isn't on
Who gives a toss who he is making toast for? Stay out of his way when he's getting ready for work

but the money issue is more worrying
I'd look for a job myself & save up & go on holiday with your ds

Ywbu in the first place to be bothering him about his/your ds's breakfast. He was irritable and snappy, but so are we all at times. Sorry but you started it it is just the sort of thing I would do

I really wasn't trying to nag or have a go at him this morning, I was just saying it in a chatty and pleasant way. Maybe this morning was a bad example, what's really getting me down is how relentless I find the never knowing where I am with him. Somedays he's affectionate and funny, then with no warning he'll 'switch off' and I'll be given the cold shoulder for a few days. It's exhausting, but I might be finding it especially hard because my hormones are all over the place.

Gumby, ds isn't at school yet and with me being due in July it's impossible for me to get a job at the mo. Fully intend to be in a position where I earn my own money again in the future, but realistically it won't be for a couple of years.

It's awful he's so tight with money though , did you know he hated holidays before you got married? I wonder if he's depressed with all the moodiness & sulking

i'm sorry op but if i was your dh with the morning as you describe it i'd be irritated. it sounded like you were checking up on him and implying he couldn't have a conversation with his son without you 'interpreting' and 'helping'.
if he was already tired / not a morning person, then that could be pretty annoying.

on the other hand, you're pregnant and hormonal... so not to blame either, i think you both need to sit down, both apologise, and try to start again.

I think you're getting a hard time here actually. This:

"but it's always like this, one day he's alright, the next he can barely be bothered to acknowledge me."

Sounds exhausting and insufferable. I doubt anyone would be able to deal with long term without it wearing them down or wanting to run away.

Gumby, we did go on holiday before, but last one was just before he was diagnosed. I would love us to go on holiday together and think it would do us good (although can also imagine going with DP doing out of duty, hating every minute of it and making it obvious). I have said recently that if he doesn't like going, it shouldn't mean ds and I can't go.

Everlong, I will bring up counselling again but he's always refused so far (and has also dismissed my suggestion of spending more quality time together). He seems to think our relationship should get better without actually making any effort.

Lyingwitch, I know telling him to piss off was a stupid thing to do, and won't improve the situation. I also said it infront of ds which I'm ashamed about. I don't want to be like this with him, I just felt really wound up and upset. Still do.

And maybe I shouldn't have talked to him so much this morning, but I really didn't have any hidden agenda. It wasn't really early (after 8), no one was in a rush and DP isn't working this week so I thought he'd bd feeling fairly relaxed. And I'm normally the one who's worse in the morning, he is usually better.

Thanks Uther, that's exactly what the problem is. I am happy to make allowances and exceptions during a crisis, but when this lack of emotional stability becomes normal in everyday life it's just exhausting and the whole money thing is demoralising and humiliating, not to mention just difficult in practical terms when it comes to doing stuff with ds.

Everlong, I don't think he's actually depressed at the moment, but his MS symptoms and his mental state get worse with stress, so he avoids extreme emotional situations and tries to lead his life on an even keel, so not too exciting/happy and not too stressful and no new/unexpected experiences. He doesn't even seem to let himself get excited or enthusiastic about anything.. He could be a bit embarrassed about his MS as I think he likes to think of himself as a big, strong man and doesn't want to be seen to be fallible or vulnerable. He is also quite proud and I think, thinks that it is no one else's business.

Oh and, just to add, his desire to keep his emotions on an even keel means that we never really resolve or discuss issues. He'll either now let me 'talk at him' about my interpretation of what happened this morning but won't contribute how he feels, be silent with me until I can't be bothered being pissed off anymore and some semblance of normality returns or rarely he'll apologise, not so much in a way that I think he actually means it, more as a way of getting it over and done with and moving on. Consequently, I know I have years of built up resentments/issues that I'd love to resolve, and he probably does too.

yabu and talking to him like he is stoooooopid doesn't help - he is tired, he obviously didnt want to talk - leave him alone

I do feel for you, OP, it's not nice living with somebody whose emotions are so up and down - but they are. Added to which, yours are also up and down because of pregnancy. I think counselling might be a good solution for you, as suggested earlier - perhaps if it's done with a third party, your husband may feel more able to talk.

In the mornings though... keep yourself to yourself... not everybody can cope with indepth chats when they have other stuff that they're thinking of or about to go and do.

As far as the swearing goes, apologise of course -and explain to your DS that even parents make mistakes sometimes. No harm done.

Seeing it all written out here I think I really need to bring up counselling again. We seem to have found forgotten how to be with each other, what it takes to keep a relationship going, and how to resolve issues. I don't think either of us wants to split up, although I think both of us don't want things to stay as they are either. It feels like we have so many things that are better than they have been, and we really should be happier (long awaited pregnancy, his Mum being given the all clear, and the fact that at the moment he is 'well' and can do stuff). It feels like we should be making the most of it because who knows what's round the next corner. Anyway, I'm just rambling now, but thanks to those who have stopped to read and give some advice.