To think it would be hard for someone from an ordinary background to not feel a bit left out in at a top flight uni?

[Hammy02]

I just can't see how people can have even similar experiences at such places if they are from massively different backgrounds. Do people tend to stick with people from the same backgrounds as each other? Even in my 6th form, those from wealthy backgrounds hung around together as they generally did more expensive things at the weekend than everyone else. Eg, holidays abroad half a dozen times a year while the rest of us had Saturday jobs.

yabu. I went to Oxbridge from a poor background, it wasn't an issue. People were strangely jealous of me getting a full grant . As others have said, the super rich types did tend to flock together, but they were v much a minority.

It always makes me smile that people assume because they went to a state school that they don't come from a well of background.

I didn't go to Russell Group uni, but a good red brick one. I come from a very poor background and virtually everyone was from a better off background. I didn't feel left out, but i was aware of the differences - especially in the first year.

For example, friend expressing surprise in second week that I only had 2 pairs of trousers or people being surprised that none of my friends from school had went to university - none of them actually even stayed on to do A Levels.

Goosey, DH is very bright and was very cocky and self-assured despite growing up in severe poverty in a Glasgow slum. So it was probably more his personality which made him feel like he fitted. I think he loved the fact that for the first time, he wasn't the brightest out on his own.

I think for some people, regardless of their background, going to a top university must feel like 'coming home' for the first time.

I went to a top uni from a comprehensive. You need to edit your OP a bit - it wasn't the rich kids who stuck together, but the rich twats. of which there were many, sadly - but they were heftily outnumbered by the normal people, both rich and privileged and working class. I loved my time at uni!

You are as good as anybody else and I do not think you have to be wealthy to snowboard etc we do ski and board and not wealthy all our kids have aspirations and as long as they are confidence and have support can fit in anywhere !!

YABU, I went to Cambridge from a state school, everyone mixed, there was no major divide and it was very much a non-issue. Apart from my closest friends, I couldn't tell you who from my year went to state and who to private, nor could I tell you whose families are well off and whose are not so much. My close friends are a mixture of state, private and grammar.

However, my friend at Leeds uni tells me the state/private divide is very pronounced there, which surprises me.

imnotmymum - Sorry if you ski you are reasonably well off. Not rich perhaps, but certainly not poor.

That's interesting, Annabegins. I found more snobberly at my highly sought after RG university that DH did at Oxford.

Unless you are planning to live your whole life just as your parents did, then you will at one point or another be dealing with people from different backgrounds. When you move from one place where you feel secure into a new place, it's normal to be nervous (could be university, new job, etc). But it won't help if you make assumptions in advance about what the people will be like nor how they might behave.

And everyone (unless existing friends going to the same place) will be having exactly the same fears about fitting in.

If you have passed a selective academic process, then you deserve to be there. You can find friends from your course, your Hall/flat, the societies and sports clubs you join, and in the wider non-university community. And all of those places will have a mix of people.

I went to a posh uni from a state school and was flung into friendships with those nearest (same Hall, same lecture groups etc)

They are still my dearest friends 20 years later. The Sloanes just milled about in the background shrieking and we paid them no heed.

Oh and, imnotmumum, if you ski and board, you are reasonably well off. It's a far cry from a £150 a week caravan during term time being all you can afford.

x posted with Lesley

I suppose the rich kids do keep themselves to themselves a bit (before disappearing off to their management consulting/banking careers ) but there will be plenty of common folk there too.

And you can join clubs etc that are more likely to have common folk in them; the Rock Society instead of the Conservatives Fine Wines club or whatever.

Yes, I was always baffled by, 'What school are you from?', but I didn't get it very much... once you've heard my accent, it's clear it wasn't Cheltenham Ladies!

I was at Oxford. In my year two people who became very good friends, one owned various mansions round the globe ("my official residence" I remember him saying) We used to watch him at formal hall to check we were doing the right thing. . The other lad had initally left school at 16 with no qualifications and gone back into schooling at 19 after being unemployed.

I only knew about their backgounds when they were talking one meal time. Most people I would have had no idea where they'd come from.

I think the accommodation people do a bit of social engineering too. On my course I struggled to find anyone else from a comprehensive (though that wasn't a big deal; I just found it a little surprising) whereas in my halls there were far more people 'like me'.

I do think you need to qualify 'ordinary' though, OP.

YABU I did my first degree at a Russell group uni, I came from a large working class area and a single parent home, where we lived on benefits (mother was also a career). I fitted in fine, not many really rich kids, but on the whole they were just part of the gang, I had friends from Ardingley, Winchester And Lancing.

I also went as a post grad to Oxford, and whilst there may have been some very rich people, normally they mixed fine. The main thing was that they had a confidence that could convince someone less confident that black was white, but you quickly learn to ignore or call them an idiot. 8 week terms don't give you too much time to galavant off for weekends, although I guess they might get driven back from London late at night rather than take the bus.

However if you feel inferior, or have a chip on your shoulder or are dazzled by wealth it can be hard.

YABU - you go to university to get an education, not to go on holiday all the time. People all have different experiences, depending on their interests and personalities. I find your assumption that the majority of people at good universities are from wealthy backgrounds really odd. Most will be some variety of middle class - and that's what ordinary is these days - a few really wealthy, a few from poorer backgrounds.

I think that the more 'top flight' the university the more everyone respects each others' intelligence and the fact they have all 'won' their place and are interested in each other, to an extent, accordingly.

The places where you might get more of a social divide are the less academically demanding institutions that for some reason have a strong social reputation and attract large numbers of wealthier people.

I'm afraid it is the kind of attitude in the OP that puts a lot of bright, working class kids off applying to "top" universities.
I went to Oxford from an average family and had classes with a duke's daughter and the nephew of the Duchess of Kent - both of them lovely people. In fact my close friends all came from similar backgrounds to myself, but that's the point, there are so many students that it's always possible to meet someone you'll get on with from whatever class or creed. No need to feel left out. You make your own experiences, they don't have to be the same as other peoples.
Another frequent mistake is thinking that Oxford will be way too expensive for "ordinary" people. OK, so they charge £9k fees - but so do many others - but because they have been able to raise large "war chests", they can afford to accommodate most students in house for all 3 years - saving them from expensive commercial rents and bursaries are available for students of families earning up to more than £40k. So in fact it is cheaper than many lesser institutions.
OP I don't know if you know someone who is thinking of applying to a top uni, but if you do, encourage them. Don't put them off by implying they'll never fit in.

This: 'it wasn't the rich kids who stuck together, but the rich twats' - that sums up my experience of university. Most people at university are interested in how intelligent you are, rather than your parents' wealth.

MY eldest DD was friends with all sorts of people in her 6th form rich poor mega rich and potless they were a good bunch of kids and i dont see why like should stick with like you can have the same values as a person but come from different background imo , MY dds friend has gone to study at a top uni she comes from a por familiy , and her pictures look like she is having a great time fitting it at uni ,

YABU. I went to Cambridge from a state comprehensive. Yes, there were plenty of rich people but it was fine.

OH and 1 of my DDs new uni friends went to a girls private school with very rich parents lived on an estate apparently and we live in an ex council house ,

lovingthecoast guess I was being a tad flippant but just pointing out my kids are "ordinary kids" which is a relevent term anyway and they ski etc but we do camp and have Sun 9.50 hols and just making point not to set people in them and us setting yourself up for a fall we are all equal agree wiht Mrsjay why makw assumptions

I remember finding the 'which school did you go to' question a bit puzzling, why anyone from outside my local area would want to know that and how the answer could mean anything to them. Took me a while to realise that lots of people there had gone to 'famous' schools .

There were lots of people from ordinary backgrounds like me though, it's just a case of finding people you get on with. And it's quite possible to get on with and make friends with people who are from different backgrounds from your own as well!

I do agree that these attitudes can be harmful and put people off applying to 'top' universities, in reality it's often not as bad as you might imagine.

YANBU. I suppose people who are showoffy confident can get on regardless of background but if you are a normal, shyish, socially awkward kid from a single parent family on benefits then it can be very isolating. I certainly ended up on antidepressants at that time in my life. It's the way people have no idea how it is to live on a budget and not be able to just go and get a train, afford a hotel if you are stuck somewhere in an emergency, etc, and how you run out of food other than lentils towards the end of term and no you can't eat in the sodding 'buttery' because YOU HAVE TO PAY AND YOU HAVE NO MONEY, and how wearing clothes from charity shops/primark isn't a fucking lifestyle choice (place was full of bitchy girls, even amongst the supposed lefties). I made a few good friends and met husband there but in retrospect I would have gone to a more normal uni.