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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be bloody fuming over this?!

35 replies

livelaughlovevintage · 27/02/2012 13:17

Just had a txt of my mum from SFX (stupid fucking ex) basically saying because his shifts have changed from next week he can't have DS from fri-sun so he "will be having him from Saturday eve and taking him to school Monday or he will be taking it further" !!!
Um excuse me?! I have been more than co operative for the sake of my DS, he's had him every weekend then every other weekend, he basically wants DS to fit in around his life and fuck DS and my commitments!! I am absolutely fuming and I am putting my foot down for once. He is not going to get his way this time. Tbh I am very tempted to stop all contact!!! AIBU or am I just at the end of my tether with his demands?!

OP posts:

porcamiseria · 27/02/2012 13:19

hmmm

do you work, as of you do then you have to go back and renegotiate custody and time? what does your agreement say, if anything

PeppyNephrine · 27/02/2012 13:22

YABU. Sort it out properly but don't use your child as a weapon.

WilsonFrickett · 27/02/2012 13:22

I think YAB a tiny bit U. It's not about your commitments, it's about DS seeing his dad but I know it's really annoying to have arrangements changed and the tone of his text was hardly going to help matters.

Is there history of him trying to change things? How do you normally deal with it?

redskyatnight · 27/02/2012 13:23

How much control does ex have over his shifts though? Is it a case of work when he's told or he loses his job? I think talking to you would be better than texting (but evidently you don't have a great relationship) but actually his request doesn't seem too unreasonable - would you be happier if he stuck to the agreed hours but had to leave DS with a childminder for some of the time?

Fleurdebleurgh · 27/02/2012 13:24

Yabu. Chill out. At least he wants to see his son.

Gumby · 27/02/2012 13:24

well surely you don't want him to lose his job? it's not his fault his shift pattern has changed is it?

MrsKittyFane · 27/02/2012 13:24

Yes, he needs to formally renegotiate.
So, contact him and tell him this.
Unless this new arrangement could work.
In that case, for the sake of harmony, tell him fine but warn him not to threaten you.

Oggy · 27/02/2012 13:25

You are not being unreasonable to be pissed off, but you would be unreasonable to stop all contact (based on what is in your opening post) but I doubt you were serious about that.

Original poster

livelaughlovevintage · 27/02/2012 13:25

I do work, there is no agreement it's basically he wants he gets. I've only gone along with it for so long because of DS. He's a shit dad, he made DS watch two 18 horror films. We've been to solicitors, he never bothers to go bk to his so the matter is dropped. I'm sick to fucking death of him

OP posts:

TroublesomeEx · 27/02/2012 13:25

Well I think if he wants to change the arrangements he needs to approach you and open a dialogue to that effect.

Stating it as a fact isn't really on.

Will it cause problems for you, or are you just really fucked of with his attitude?

Not that I think it makes much difference, but the way forward will probably depend on whether you can take advantage of a change or whether it will completely mess up everything.

Original poster

livelaughlovevintage · 27/02/2012 13:28

He got sacked from his last job, he temps a lot. As far as I see it. I had to find a job to fit in around DS. He seems to expect DS to fit in around what he's doing all the time and demands that he will have him when it suits him

OP posts:

Gumby · 27/02/2012 13:29

maybe if you post in lone parents or even legal matters you might get more appropriate advice?

edam · 27/02/2012 13:31

You have every right to be angry at the extremely rude and high-handed demand, let alone the threat - and I expect everyone who has posted that it's fine wouldn't be so happy if someone spoke to them like that.

But, being the bigger person and looking at the situation, not the nasty tone, obviously he can't have ds at the usual times if his shifts have changed. Does ds have any activities that this will affect? Do you never get a weekend with ds? Find out when his new shifts are and what suits you and ds - but do pull him up, politely but firmly, on the way he speaks to you. Very disrespectful.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 27/02/2012 13:33

YABU if he is only having to change things around because of his job.......however, a bit strange getting mummy to text and tell you.

Dont stop all contact, thats just punishing your DC - try and sort it out in a civil and mature way.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 27/02/2012 13:34

..sorry, reading that, his mum didnt sent it. Ignore me :)

UtherTheTerrible · 27/02/2012 13:36

I would be tempted to reply along the lines of: "If there is a change in work schedule that means visiting at the weekend is no longer possibly then ---- will have to discuss it with me and we will have to come to an agreement over when he will have -DS's name-. There is no need for threats, implied or otherwise. My only concern is that this change take place with as little disruption to DS as possible and for that to happen things have to discussed without threats or demands."

FYI: I am not a solicitor, my advice may not be ideal.

LilacWaltz · 27/02/2012 13:36

Why dies he feel the need to issue the 'threat'?

Original poster

livelaughlovevintage · 27/02/2012 13:42

I wouldn't if he has his way. I work until 10pm on a sat and two evenings a week. Plus ot when DS is at school. I've just read it back and it does sound as if IABU but this aggressive behaviour has been going on since DS was born (now 6) it's basically him saying (I want this or else) all the time. I'm just exhausted with it all and so angry that he expects me to change our plans yet again to fit in with his life. He used to pay maintenance but when he lost yet another job I got a txt saying (I'm only going to pay you £££ now I've checked I'm well within my rights to only pay you this much now)
He has manipulated and bullied me from the beginning and I've had enough. I don't want my DS growing up thinking that's how you treat people!

OP posts:

UtherTheTerrible · 27/02/2012 13:49

I'd get legal advice tbh before taking any firm action. You don't want to do something out of anger and then have it backfire on you. See what the professionals advise you do in a situation like this. I'm not surprised you're exhausted and angry- but if you want to take back control then seeing what a solicitor or the CAB can be part of that.

WilsonFrickett · 27/02/2012 14:03

I don't understand your comment about him never going back to his solicitor, sorry. Do you need that to happen if you're sorting out arrangements, I mean can't your solicitor just take him to court if he doesn't follow through on seeing his own solicitor? And CSA for maintentance?

Genuine questions, I've never been in that situation. It just seems that it's drifting on and on, you both let it lie, then he starts being arsey, you flare up, then it calms down, do you see what I mean? I think the overall situation needs sorting once and for all.

Original poster

livelaughlovevintage · 27/02/2012 14:13

He goes to his solicitor, I go to mine then he just stops going, I get a letter saying they are not responding and if they don't hear anything they will consider the matter closed. Then he threatens me with going to court again before I've even had a chance to reply to his demands. He's a cunt, I hate him. Sorry but that's just how I feel

OP posts:

bochead · 27/02/2012 14:42

If you have to work on that day then just tell him he needs to pay for and arrange the childcare for Saturdays but that you have no issues with him keeping the child till monday morning. If he's not paying maintenance then your first responsibility is to continue to put food on the table for the kid. You can't afford to dance to his tune.

.
Simples

In the meantime don't waste time getting cross, you know he's unreliable so sort out Saturday childcare as a back up so that when he lets you down (which he will) you don't lose your own job and the roof over your head.

Let him run to a solicitor. If he's working he'll have to shell out to be told he's a pratt.

WibblyBibble · 27/02/2012 15:39

YANBU. Unfortunately a lot of people think that men are entitled to come and go as they please wrt parenting even when this fucks up your own work schedule and general time planning. But you don't have to just put up with it and you shouldn't listen to such people; your ex is quite capable of saying to his employer 'I have to check whether I can arrange alternative childcare for this shift pattern' as it is different from the one he was originally appointed to cover and he has a legal right for this to be taken into consideration so it's not as if he would lose his job. You do not need to pick up the slack for him, he rescinded the right to use you as unpaid career support when the relationship between you ended.

Original poster

livelaughlovevintage · 27/02/2012 16:04

Thanks wibbly I was starting to think I was BU

OP posts:

WilsonFrickett · 27/02/2012 16:04

But can't you have your solicitor persue it OP, going to court if necessary? (again, genuine q - I think your situation would be maddening and I would need some closure).

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