AIBU to have one child, but not the other, baptised?

[trailingvine]

Perhaps more a WWYD...

When my daughter was baptised two years ago it was in our local village church (where we were married too), a lovely, friendly low-key place which we enjoyed attending now and again. She has four fantastic, CofE godparents and it was a wonderful day that we look back on fondly.

We now have a six month old son and would like to acknowledge his arrival in the same way however, we have since moved and our local church is (although friendly) huge and 'high' and we rarely attend as we don't feel especially comfortable there. It's not unwelcome, it's just that the services are very long, very 'smells and bells' and full to the brim. Also, the four special people (not sure if I can call them godparents) we want for our son include two atheists (neither of which 'does' double standards very well) and my daughter's godfather's wife, who is Jewish. The church would want to interview (by phone/questionnaire) the prospective godparents, so we could not chose these people for a formal baptism.

Under these circumstances, would it be unreasonable for us to have a 'faithless' welcoming party in our home instead of a baptism or should we just grit our teeth and get on with doing what we did for DD? We have spoken to a couple of interfaith ministers who can arrange a ceremony at home for us and the church warden thinks that they might still be able to do a little 'welcoming' at the church, if we decide against a formal baptism. But am I making a fuss (and potentially a fight, MIL is very evangelical) over nothing?

Any thoughts appreciated. Thanks.

Baptism is a religious service. If you are not involved with the faith of the church, why are you choosing that faith to have your child baptised into? . I'm struggling to understand having two atheists stand in church and swear on the bible to guide your child in the faith he is being baptised into, and I very much doubt the priest / vicar would allow it anyway.
Are you sure a naming service wouldn't suit your needs better?

Oooh does it matter about the church you attend -if you go to catholic church then sure with your wishes to have your dc acknowledged you'd get them batpised there and if it's another church the same thing.
You either do it or you dont'.

But flogging - my dh is a roman catholic - I'm not christian at all but his religion expects my ds to be baptised as a catholic - so really not relevant what I am or I am not. Not what I envisaged but very current for my ds.

You don't have a problem, you have a solution, well done, you've hedged your bet perfectly.

Will you go all the way and call him Asriel? Or Lucifer, that's a nice name. I had a cat called Lucifer.

I only have dc1 baptised.

We were quite involved with the church when he was born and exploring the faith too, we attended a course and were enrolled to do alpha also. However after nearly two years of this one sermon really didn't sit right with us, the title being something along the lines of, "whatever you give you shall receive more" and a family we knew who were struggling but deeply religious signed up to donate a large amount monthly and It seriously upset myself and dp.

We left and never went back.

I wish to baptise our youngest, now 3yrs old but I'm not sure I ever will now because of that sermon.

Blondie suppose he was else he wouldn't have done it? I doubt HE was humouring my old rellies, considering they shared the same faith. I was humouring them because it doesn't make the slightest jot of a difference to me, or my child.... I really couldn't give an eternal damnation what the rest of the congregation think, that would between the vicar and his flock.

Religion is personal, even within an organised religion, its personal.

I'd rather have let my old rellies have their wish, as it cost me nothing, than fall out with them over something that meant feck all to me but an awful lot to them.

As you say, Quakers don't have baptism - but why not invite people along for your son's first Meeting? At my Meeting house it's usual for new parents to introduce their child to the group - it's unofficial but a good opportunity to make your child part of the Quaker community. And it's the sort of atmosphere where most people are likely to feel comfortable and not judged - while being just 'religious' enough to appeal to more hard-line Christians like your MIL. You could have a little party afterwards just like at a Christening.

I guess it all comes down to whether you are comfortable having them treated differently, - it's really no one else's business.

In my family, my brother was baptised, none of the rest of us were. (special circumstances) never made any difference to me.

Considering there seems to be great variation amongst faiths as to whether people are baptised (or equivalent) or not, and you yourself seem to have a fairly relaxed attitude, I say just go with what feels right at the moment - it's not as if you can't decide to have a baptism at a later date.

My sister was baptised and I wasn't, my parents aren't really religious and felt pressured by their parents the first time round. By the time I came along they had 'grown a pair' and put their foot down. Its not made a jot of difference to my life, probably helps that none of us are religious but I think nowadays it really isn't that big a deal!

Many churches offer a service of thanksgiving and that might meet your needs better. Christians are happy to give thanks for the birth of ANY baby whatever his/her parents relgious background.

My son is baptised but my daughter isn't. I can't find any appriopiate god parents for my dd.

I am thinking about a service of thanks giving or a dedication.

Thanks for the messages, they have been really helpful. Making a decision about religious faith is such a personal thing and I'm really grateful that people shared their experiences. What's hard for me is that our choice will affect not only my son but also his godparents and other family members.

I've phoned around and think that we have found a solution. The church has agreed to do a little thanksgiving ceremony on the day we originally pencilled in the baptism and we will then have a 'welcoming' celebration at home, with a christening cake and the family christening robe (poor child) and some readings as a way of 'introducing' our son to friends and family and 'swearing in' the godparents . Once we'd settled on a plan, I took DS into the church this afternoon and we had a little think and it felt like the right thing to do.

Now all I have to do is break it to MIL....

Just as a practical note, if they ever want to get married in Church, most churches will want them to have been baptised.
If they have not been done as babies, this would involve an adult baptism before the wedding which some people would find awkward and wish they had just been done as babies.
Not a huge issue but I do know a couple of people this has happened to.

Jack that is rubbish! Even to get an ArchBishops license, you only need one of the couple to have been baptised.
In fact lots of people don't get their kids baptised as infants, even Christians (even Vicars kids in one case).

Now all I have to do is break it to MIL....

Good luck! I had to tell my parents we weren't having a christening because I didn't believe in God any more... bit of a lead balloon!

Tell her you've decided its more scriptural to dedicate/bless the child but let them decide for themselves whether to be baptised. Its what the Baptists do, so impeccable evangelical credentials.

Jack anyone has the right to get married in the parish they are resident in. They don't even have to be christian. In theory two practicing muslims could get maried in a church of england church if they chose provided that one of them is resident in the parish.

The only thing that I can think that baptism is needed for is to be on the electoral roll.

I was raised in a very evangelical Christian church, which my parents still attend and they don't believe in infant baptism. I was never comfortable in this church and as an adult chose to attend a different church, which does believe in christening. I also married in this second church, and the fact that I wasn't baptised didn't pose any problem at all. My DC are not baptised, although we go to church every week - having been brought up to believe that its 'wrong', it never occurred to me to have them baptised, and no one has questioned it. It hasn't caused any problems with church services or Sunday school either.

It doesn't really answer the OPs question, but I just wanted to throw it into the debate, as I don't think that not being christened will necessarily hold a child back in later life.

We had a beautiful blessing of thanks and welcome to the world said for DD1 at the end of the service.

DHs family were all very active in that church and it was where we got married.

I think the vicar suggested it to DMIL because he knew I couldn't make christening promises.
(Baptising babies just as an excuse for a party was a particular pet hate of his.)

It happened to be Easter Sunday so he was able to demonstrate that you could have a religious welcome for your child without needing parents or god parents to lie.

Clearly such a blessing is perfect for those who don't believe in infant baptism or have family members and friends of other faiths.
My DDs too, have a Jewish "God Mother"

Re marriage - I think it depends on the vicar and the parish and the church they choose - and I did say it was only a small point!
Mummytime - even so, if neither of them are baptised, one may have to be!

I am easy about whether people get their dc baptised or not - totally up to them, but still feel it is better to do same for both than do it for one but not another

I'm CofE, dh RC, I wanted to get married in my church, but happy for children to be raised Catholic. In order to have dispensation from bishop (otherwise RC would not recognise marriage or children as legitimate) I needed to produce my baptism certificate, so it can be important for marriage. I think it really depends on how you plan on raising your children, and of course if it becomes important to him later on he can be baptised later on his request.

I guess it depends on how prominet religion is in your family. My children do talk about it, it is also discussed in (community) school in reception, and a friend's dd did ask why she didn't have photos of her as a baby in a white dress with lots of friends around. Godparents also have special place in life of our children, so you might want to consider choosing some special 'non' godparents for him.

I had my eldest two baptised (I wasn't "out" as atheist then.) The youngest one had a naming ceremony, held in the registry office, followed by a party. It was wonderful. Two of his special adults are atheist, one is RC.

I regret the baptisms of the older two, as they meant nothing to me, other than as a welcoming, and I was deeply uncomfortable with the whole thing.

otherwise RC would not recognise marriage or children as legitimate
Good grief. For some organisation to think they can pass this sort of judgment based on a bit of paper confirming what someone's parents decided to do years before...sorry, I'm just a bit gobsmacked by that!

(MIL and my vicar BIL will do plenty of that).

If you have a BIL who is a vicar can't he do anything to help?

My sister was christened & I wasn't and bar slight envy at her silver brush set & spoons it never Bothered me. A combination of house move and parental illness meant it was never quite happened when I was a baby then eventually they decided I was old enough to make my own mind up which I actually quite liked & then my sister was jealous that she didn't get the choice

Why do so many MNers have such a problem with 'cultural Christianity'? Why aren't people allowed to have a vague but not burning faith and enjoy a friendly village church service from time to time? Can't see why that excludes one from baptism! Do they honestly believe that all Jewish parents holding a bris or presenting their children for bar or bat mitzvah are devout Jews, for instance? News flash - they're not!

OP, I was going to suggest the Thanksgiving for the Gift of a Child service instead of a baptism, but it looks like that's what you're doing. It's a nice liturgy.

If you've a 'vague faith' fine... but some people really don't believe the promises they'd have to make in public in a full Christening, and it doesn't fit with their ethical principles to lie. Or ask unbelievers to be 'godparents' and lie.

The parents should do whatever seems right to them.

My godfather was the vicar who baptised me. He was mum mums best friends dad.

Rubbish godfather