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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have second thoughts about moving in with his parents to save money

31 replies

Whirliwig72 · 27/02/2012 09:00

Thanks for clicking on my post. My dilemma is this: my dh and I could save up for a house deposit substantially quicker if we moved from South to North London into his dad's place. Although my head says its a very sensible plan my heart says otherwise please help me decide what to do. I have two sons under three.

On the plus side:
*We would save a lot of money each month (around 2k)
*We would be helping his dad out - he will be out of the uk for the short term future and we would be keeping an eye on the place by living there and paying bills
*We would be company for dh's dad when he does return to the uk / he will get to enjoy his grand children
*schools are very good in the area
*i will see much more of my parents which would be great

On the negative side:

  • the house is not very child friendly -there are cream carpets and lots of nick nacks and breakable things around to be broken/swallowed I don't like the house or feel at home there - it is dark, the decor is very old fashioned and not very practical. We would be limited in what we could change.
  • I would be moving from a place I love where I have just started to make good friends to a place where I don't know anyone (the commute between the two places is 40 mins each way so I can't see myself doing it more than a few times a month)
  • ds1 has friends here he would miss and would lose his nursery place (although he has yet to start). *living with extended family even part time is hard. The kids might start to annoy his dad in big doses. *there is a strong possibility moving there will piss DH's sister off and been seen as unfair by her.

Please help us decide what to do!

OP posts:
Firawla · 27/02/2012 09:03

Personally i wouldn't. Have lived with inlaws before & it is hard, and you would be moving away from your own area & friends which is also hard. How long would it be for?

Original poster
Whirliwig72 · 27/02/2012 09:04

Probably a few years.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 27/02/2012 09:07

It totally depends. How long will FIL be out of the country for? How far away are you from saving your deposit? What's FIL like as a person?

aldiwhore · 27/02/2012 09:08

I wouldn't personally.

I guess it depends how long it would be for, and how much you want that deposit for a house. Its not a great time to be buying in London at present in my humble opinion.

But then, I don't have a problem with eternal rent.

Saying that, 40 minutes isn't a huge amount of time, and you could in theory see all your friends every weekend if you wanted to, your children are young and will forget the gloomy house quickly, and in a couple of years you'll be in your own place thinking 'thank fuck that's over!'. There's no gain without pain so you have to ask yourself how much you want the gain.

ShatnersBassoon · 27/02/2012 09:09

I wouldn't consider it.

I think 6 months would be my upper limit, as that feels temporary and the end is always in sight. "Probably a few years" sounds too permanent and uncertain to me, which would make me anxious and unable to enjoy the time I spent there.

Annpan88 · 27/02/2012 09:11

Its a tough choice to make. We have just moved in with FIL 3 weeks ago for the same reasons. Luckily its a very large house on a farm so plenty of room for DS and a large section of the house to ourselves so we have our own space and FIL is working all day.

We moved as bills were getting higher and everythiing was getting harder and we had no family around. Now we have loads of family and everythings a bit easier and DS loves being on the farm. We just didn't seem like we were getting anywhere before IYKWIM?

For us it worked, but everyones different. Make sure your both happy either way.

Original poster
Whirliwig72 · 27/02/2012 09:11

FiIL will be gone for at least a few months. We are very far away from savings goal - we want to raise about 50k. Fil is lovely but like many older people he finds change hard and like things done his way. As a grandfather he finds older toddlers and children easier than young babies and children. ds2 is only 6 months old :(

OP posts:
WordsAreNoUseAtAll · 27/02/2012 09:12

How much deposit do you need? (at that rate we would be saved up in 8 months, but I know we live in a cheap housing area)

WordsAreNoUseAtAll · 27/02/2012 09:12

cross post :)

Original poster
Whirliwig72 · 27/02/2012 09:13

Thanks replies are really great keep em coming :)

OP posts:
WordsAreNoUseAtAll · 27/02/2012 09:14

How big is the house - would there be a possibility of you having your own rooms, ie bedrooms and a spare room as a sitting room?

ViviPru · 27/02/2012 09:14

Where's your MiL in all this? The circs of his parents/your FiL are not clear from your post but all very relevant IMO.

I.E. Are you considering moving in with DHs parents, end of, OR moving into a house his parents own, where they will only be there for part of the time? From your OP it sounds like there's a house that will be unoccupied that your FiL will return to in due course.

Its hard to comment without clarification on the above.

CailinDana · 27/02/2012 09:15

It seems to me that the only way you'll have any chance of saving 50k will be to move in with your FIL, so if you're dead set on doing that it might be your only choice. Could you give it a try for six months and see what happens? At least by then you'll have saved 12k which is better than nothing.

ssd · 27/02/2012 09:16

i wouldn't

i think it would be a bad move and might have repercussions for years

squeakytoy · 27/02/2012 09:17

I cant see any other way that you are going to save that sort of money.

Carpets can be cleaned and replaced, and just a small bit of the money you are saving could easily be used to sort out any accidents.

A few lamps, some nice rugs, cushions, would easily brighten the place up without affecting the decor. Although your FIL might be happy to let you make changes anyway. Ornaments can be put higher up, or boxed away until you move out again.

40 minutes commute to see friends is not really that bad, and if you are closer to your parents, you will have easier access to babysitters.

It is not really any of your SILs business.

A child at nursery age will probably not miss his friends for more than a day, and would benefit from seeing more of his grandparents, and will soon make more new friends.

I would say go for it. The pros definately outweigh the cons.

Trills · 27/02/2012 09:20

"probably a few years" sounds far too long and open-ended to me

Original poster
Whirliwig72 · 27/02/2012 09:21

Mil is very ill with terminal cancer she will not be returning to UK. House will be unoccupied meanwhile.

OP posts:
ViviPru · 27/02/2012 09:23

Genuine apologies for pushing the point on what is a sensitive issue Sad . But I hope you can see how to strangers, that bears relevance to how we address your dilemma.

Original poster
Whirliwig72 · 27/02/2012 09:23

...which raises another positive that we would be able to care for fil when he returns and is grieving.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 27/02/2012 09:24

It would very much depend how much space I had in the new house - the decor wouldn't bother me if I could put some of my stuff round the bedroom.

is there a seperate living room for you all to hang out in?

Original poster
Whirliwig72 · 27/02/2012 09:24

There is a separate living room.

OP posts:
bringbacksideburns · 27/02/2012 09:31

Well if you want to save such a huge amount of money you don't really have much choice.

ViviPru · 27/02/2012 09:32

In some cultures, it would be frowned upon if you didn't move into the house and support your FiL in these circs. That's not to say that you ought to feel obliged to, simply that you shouldn't feel as though you are somehow sponging/being unfair to other family members (i.e. DH sister)

LisasCat · 27/02/2012 09:36

Would your DCs' school admissions process begin during that time? In which case, are you prepared to then remain in that area for their education or uproot them to move back to South London? Personally, for me, DD1's 3rd year was the point at which DP and I made the decision about where we wanted to live for at least the next 18 years, because once we applied for her school place we were, as far as I was concerned, committed to this village at least until DD2 is well into secondary school. But then, that's a very personal feeling of mine about not wanting to move my DCs once they have friends, and is connected to a whole load of bagagge from my childhood which may not be relevant to you.

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/02/2012 09:45

"* the house is not very child friendly -there are cream carpets and lots of nick nacks and breakable things around to be broken/swallowed"
Invest in a carpet cleaner and persuade your FIL to move the dust gatherers nicknacks higher/away.

" I don't like the house or feel at home there - it is dark, the decor is very old fashioned and not very practical. We would be limited in what we could change."
You may grow to like it. As for the decor, it's a situation many (including myself) face when we can't afford to change it. I've lived here 15 years, I still haven't got to the horrible 70's bathroom. It becomes invisible with time.

"* I would be moving from a place I love where I have just started to make good friends to a place where I don't know anyone (the commute between the two places is 40 mins each way so I can't see myself doing it more than a few times a month)"
Could you look at it with 'I'd have had to move when we bought' eyes?

"* ds1 has friends here he would miss and would lose his nursery place (although he has yet to start)."
He is very young and will make new friends.

"*living with extended family even part time is hard. The kids might start to annoy his dad in big doses."
Absolutely. Can you discuss this in advance with your FIL, plan strategies for when it happens?

"*there is a strong possibility moving there will piss DH's sister off and been seen as unfair by her."
That is her problem and not yours. A sensible SIL would appreciate the un-ideallness of the situation.

It COULD work, but would involve compromise and effort on everyone's part (your, DH, FIL). The second sitting room could help enormously. That one could be child-friendly and for daytime use, with the nicknack-bedecked room used when the DC are in bed.