to feel life is just totally relentless just now?

[ssd]

I'm fed up. Life is just one long round of cooking/cleaning/separating fighting kids/worrying about my elderly mum and feeling guilty if I don't do special things for her all the time/worrying about money/feeling isolated and alone.

we have no family to help out with either the kids or my mum, it's all down to me/us

we haven't had a real break ever, no one comes and takes the kids for the weekend/night and organising them to go to friends at the same time usually never works out, someone is busy/working/ill etc.

we have absolutley no support. my kids are pre teens so its not like they need looking after all the time, but neither are they self sufficient yet and need looking after/driving about to their clubs etc and its all wearing me down

my mum is old and I have no family here to help out with her, she lives in sheltered housing but there is no one else to visit her at weekends/shop for her/sort things out for her etc etc again its all down to me, siblings are far away and hopeless

its all just going on and on with no breaks, no fun, no adult stiff, just the kids and my mum needing me all the time

and plse don't suggest anything that takes money, we have none of that either

no adult stuff, not stiff

That's a lot of daily grind you're describing, and of course everyone gets the shitness of how it can grab you by the throat sometimes.

But what you're saying sounds a bit more than just normal grind, it sounds like its weight it getting too much carry.

What's your relationship like with your DP? Do you feel they support you enough?

Do you feel like this all the time or are you able to see any positives that might counterbalance the shitness out a bit?

I feel like this too muchmuch of the time

dp is great but just a man IYKWIM, he is probably weighed down with it all too

just don't know how to lift it, theres no one to hand any of it to

I really hope this doesn't sound a bit shit, but I went to the library the other day, on my own. We've just moved to a new town so I was scoping it out for DS really. I went in, sat down in a comfy seat and read Marie Claire for half an hour. Then I left feeling really chilled out. It didnt cost anything, I didn't need to join a club, I just went somewhere that wasn't my house for half an hour and did something frivolous and free.

I know that sounds like it wouldn't help, but maybe it would?

I don't really know what to say to make it better but there are lots of things you could do, for you, that cost nothing: a walk in the sunshine, your local adult college may have courses that cost nothing to get you out of the house and doing something new, many wouldn't agree but church communities and prayer can be supportive and spiritually uplifting.

Hope it gets better for you soon.

I agree Wilson (although its easy for me to say I know) you have to force and elbow your way to do things that make you feel good sometimes.

They don't involve cash because it's about escapism.

When your DC go to bed can you have a nice meal with your DP with just music on so you can chat - maybe about times when things weren't so tough or things you'd like to do when it gets easier? (and it will get easier )

Just half an hour walking the dog, or locking yourself in the bathroom for a soak? Taking the time for what it is and enjoyable rather than as time to worry about the things you have on your plate?

I wish I could send you a bit of peace of mind through the post

Life is a daily grind if you don't feel you're in control of events. Like others have said, what makes it tolerable is to find time to smell the roses and enjoy a rainbow. So take control where you can. It may take a lot of effort to create a break or set aside some down-time but that's what you have to do to keep going. If you can't get away for a break, invite friends to your house for a meal perhaps. Stand up to your siblings about looking after your mother. Living far away is not an excuse to do nothing. Tell your children to shape up and start helping around the place... pre-teens are perfectly capable of housework. Get DP on board... even someone who is 'just a man' should be contributing, knowing how you feel and helping to alleviate the drudgery.

thanks for all replies, some really good sugestions for me to think about

getting a bit of space is vital for me, I'm a bit of a solitary person and need head space to get my brain in order

maybe a trip to the library tonight is a start

It is absoultely essential to get that head space. I meditate for 5 minutes a day out the front of the house - with a fag, so I'm not sure how that effects my chi but there you go When the world is pressing down I think it's best to disconnect - sometimes I MN but in reality that winds me up more than it chills me out. No phone, no net, no people - at least 5 mins a day. Library is great idea for that too.

Brilliant OP. Even just a tiny step to do something for yourself will make you feel much more in control, I promise.

Arf at Do's meditation technique

YANBU. It's horrible sometimes and it sounds like you are under so much stress that if you don't get some support and help you'll crack up. I think a little solitary time is in order too. You don't appreciate the quiet rattle of your own thoughts until you can't hear them anymore and everything is so loud.

Do you have a supportive partner or friend? Not necessarily to look after your children but to just talk to and vent on? Sometimes it can be very cathartic to whinge and get it all out in one breath so to speak. It won't make situations easier but it may clear your head and able you to take a step back and assess the situation in a new light.

I really feel for you. I'm going through a similar thing but I don't have an elderly parent to look after, I am the disabled one who feels the weight is all on my DP's shoulders.

You have my sympathies x

We had MIL living with us for 5 yrs before she went to the hospice, & it was awful to watch her decline. Very isolating too

Do you stay anywhere near me? I'd like to help if I could in any way.

Sorry you are having a tough time, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate at the moment. Take some time out for yourself and try to do something each week that you enjoy, it really helps if you have something to look forward to even if it?s just something simple. I take the DC to the Cinima every Friday after school so I can have a sleep for a couple of hours LOL

Sounds like you're going through alot and it must be especially hard if, like me, you are a solitary person who needs her own headspace. Do you have any hobbies? I find that knitting or sewing whilst listening to the radio when DD is at school and when I'm not working or else after her bedtime helps me recoup from life's stresses. DH and I also give each other odd weekend days off so we can, alone, go to the cinema, go for a long walk or a run, window shop, go to the library, see our own friends etc. We also give each other nights off - so I'll go out whilst DH comes home early from work to put DD to bed. DH and I also have alot of date nights - not always out of the home. Last night, for example, we had a romantic homemade (by him) dinner by candlenight after DD's bedtime.

OP : I feel your pain. I'm in the same situation here, but without a partner to help me. It is very stressful. I do have siblings to help out with my Mum, but to be honest, it just ends up that we all feel pressured, it doesn't relieve any pressure.

Little things like spending the evening in bed just chilling can make you feel better; a nice long bath with a book and a glass of wine; if your DP can cook for you both when the kids are in bed, would that help you to decompress?

thanks again girls

wanda, you hit the nail on the head, it is very isolating watching your parent get old, it feels like its only happeneing to you< i mean them getting very old, not just slow down a bit. And thanks for the offer, I'm in Glasgow too but I'll just get on with it all, don't want to put on anyone.

I chuckled at the idea's of dinner with dh whilst kids are in bed, my eldest is 12 and goes to sleep not long before me, takes him ages to get over. But a nice idea for anyone with kids who go to bed early.

anyway, thanks again

My oldest is 15 and likes to sit up and chat/watch tv, but 2 or 3 times a week I send him to bed at 9 (he can read or play games in his room), so dh and I can have some alone time. It's really important to carve out some space where the two of you can just be a couple. It's an investment for your children too, because it will help keep your relationship strong and therefore the stability of your home.

I think you need to contact your siblings and tell them in no uncertain terms that the responsibility for your mum is theirs as much as yours and they need to pull their weight and help you. Remind them that if you go under, they will have a shit load more to do than they currently have.

You do need to carve out little periods of time in each day when you do something which is just for you. Your own mental state is very important.

Are you sure?

I'm shit hot at grannysitting

bedtimes have always been a real issue in this house, the ds's have never needed, or more accurately, wanted much sleep, so actually getting them to bed has always been a fight, they are still fighting sleep and hate going earlier, also they are incapable of being in their rooms, they like sitting downstairs with us. As a teenager I spent my life in my room and I can't wait till they start to feel like this!

and wanda thanks for the offer, I may come back to you. are you north or south glasgow?

btw, I'm not rubbishing any ideas, they are giving my things to think about

Er West

Any more west & we'd be in Clydebank

Am very close to the ferry if that helps, literally the end of the rd.

I went through very similar to what you are describing and found I had to step back from everything and pretty much create a timetable to ensure I got regular breaks. I do free or v. cheap things... like Wilson, I sometimes pop into the library and read the papers... it may sound silly but it really works for me. I also take walks and and swim. It has made the world of difference to how I feel and I find that I enjoy dc and work much more now.

thanks wanda, I may well come back to you on your offer

actually a couple of my relatives are visiting mum and I seen them today

it made me realise what I miss is family nearby

we have no one to visit or to visit us (except mum who is to old for visiting/conversation)

I'd love some family here, friends aren't the same

also someone else to visit mum now and then would be nice, not just me all the time

Oh SSD, I feel for you so much! Am in the same boat exactly but a lone parent with no family anywhere near except elderly increasingly frail mother. I have to take annual leave from work if I want to do anything on my own (hairdresser, shopping etc) otherwise I'm either at work or with the kids 24/7. And no-one to look after them, take over when it's tough or have them overnight etc. I truly feel your pain.

Btw, the above isn't in any way an attempt at one upmanship, but just to say I do know what it's like to feel so trapped. It is incredibly draining when you have no space or time to yourself - my two are very young so at least they are usually asleep by 9 at the latest, so I get some kind of evening.

Okay, here's what I do to try and stay sane:-

Make sure I lock myself in the bathroom once a week when they are asleep with a bubble bath, a drink and my smartphone loaded with an episode of Sherlock (or a good book).

If things really get pressured, I get us all out of the flat and into the nearest park - getting outside always saves me from a brain explosion! Just breathing fresh air sometimes is enough to turn things around.

I phone my closest friends and tell them how I feel. I then ask them if we can arrange some dates to get together with the kids, just for some company and someone to talk to. Even if we meet up at the local shops, it's still a change and a chat and a coffee, and a change of scenery. Often enough to diffuse what can feel like an endless weekend. And to be honest, if your friends know how badly you feel, they'll be happy to meet up/come over/have you over. If I don't see my friends for a while, it's usually because of busy lives or it didn't occur to them that I might want to do something - let them know what's going on!

I have an arrangement with a good friend that we ring each other every day or every other day just to offload the parent stress - it always leaves us both feeling better and less isolated!

I stock up on some good films, I joined Netflix (very cheap) as I am a consummate saddo and have my computer linked to my iPhone and I watch movies and TV in bed.

Approximately every two weeks I deliberately watch sad movies and let myself have a really good howl and cry, just to get it all out of my system

I try and do everything I can to take care of myself - half the battle is keeping yourself fit and healthy and getting lots of sleep. (this usually conflicts with my films in bed theory!). I find that if I have enough sleep i can cope with everything but if I m tired, it all falls apart in a quite spectacular fashion.

Remember, You are very brave and very strong - sit down with your DH and work out some ways to give yourselves the space you so desperately need. Be kind to yourself - and remember that there are quite a few of us who truly understand how you feel - you're not alone in going through this and feeling like this - it is one of the hardest things in the world, but I believe it will get better for all of us .