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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

just wanting to get peoples views really

38 replies

lindalooloo · 25/02/2012 22:28

i know what everyone is going to say but guess ill just say it .
i am now living happily with my fiance and we have his two children and are trying for our own child. before i was with my fiance i was in a relationship with someone else . we were really close and have been through lot together . he knew me inside out . recently he has got back in touch with me and we are friends. he is now in a relationship and i am so happy for him.
but i find his idea of friendship hard , he only gets in touch when he needs advice . to me friendship is more about being there through good and bad.
im not blowing my own trumpet but when we were together i did motivated him to get his life on track . when he emails its all about him and never responds if i talk about my life it just gets ignored.
i sent him a blunt email last week telling him i didnt feel the friendship was working as it was very one sided and he said he was sorry and he wanted to stay in touch then today he sent an email all about his troubled life there wasnt even a hi how are you.

sorry to bore you all guess i just needed to say this out loud .

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 25/02/2012 22:31

If you find the idea of a friendship hard with him, then don't have one

Do you need other people to tell you you don't have to go along with what he wants? (I don't mean that in a shitty way)

Just keep sending him the same email until he gets the message?

ThisIsNotMyLife · 25/02/2012 22:33

It sounds to me that you still have feelings for your ex and are dissapointed that he doesn't pay you as much attention as you'd like. I'd cut contact as this sounds like it could become corrosive to your current relationship. You've got a lot at home; two children and trying for another. Nostalgia for a past relationship can seem like a nice bit of escapism. Let the past go pet.

Original poster

lindalooloo · 25/02/2012 22:33

thanks i guess i find it hard not to help him . but i need to cut that contact

OP posts:

Original poster

lindalooloo · 25/02/2012 22:35

i care for him deeply but only wanting the best for him he was with me through a tough period of my life and i guess i owe him something back i do not love him and i truly dont think i ever did. my partner knows i am in contact with him so im open about it .

OP posts:

ThisIsNotMyLife · 25/02/2012 22:37

It sounds like you know what you have to do.

He's not your responsibility. You help a partner in tough times - it does not mean that they owe you.

Good luck with this, it's sad when people who meant something to you leave your life but it has to be done sometimes.

EdithWeston · 25/02/2012 22:38

Type out a friendly but firm reply (along the lines of a plain acknowledgement, sorry he's having a bad time, but you are unable to help now) save it, and send it every time he contacts you like this. If it persists, cut out the sorry for the bad time bit from the middle.

Original poster

lindalooloo · 25/02/2012 22:40

thank you everyone . im gonna do it im gonna send it he needs to make his girl friend his best friend not me

OP posts:

Mia4 · 25/02/2012 22:44

Sounds like an unequal friendship. He depends on you that's for sure and I doubt he's in the right place for it to be an equal friendship from what you've said. I feel for him because it sounds like either he's not over you or he just depends on you so much but that's not fair to you, or your new relationship.

It's up to you but personally I'd meet up and break the friendship, because it's not a friendship it's a dependency. You're frustrated because it's not a proper friendship and he can't move on and become independent while you are trying friendship.

But that's my view, it's only you that can decide OP.

Original poster

lindalooloo · 25/02/2012 22:54

thank you mia . i just want him to have a successful life we didn't work out for many reasons but i want to see him happy .

OP posts:

springydaffs · 26/02/2012 00:22

I had a friend like this. Actually, still have - even after I clearly said that she never asked after me but launched straight into her stuff. She through a strop for a month or two until I told her that only a true friend would say what I'd said, anybody else would just bugger off. She thought about that for a bit and then the next text I had from her was 'hi, how are you' then launched straight into her stuff. It was a slight improvement

and while I'm here, I do so loathe the trotted out, therapised 'if you don't want to be friends with someone you don't have to' stuff. it PISSES. ME. OFF

got that off my chest. as you were - sorry to hijack your thread OP.

springydaffs · 26/02/2012 00:22

threw, even [tired]

Cherriesarelovely · 26/02/2012 00:30

YANBU. I don't think there is any reason why you shouldn't be friends with an ex but if it isn't working for you then I would do the same as you. I suppose the other option is telling him what you have told us....that you want him to be happy and are glad to help him and talk sometimes but that you are finding the friendship rather one sided. Otherwise I would leave it.

I have one particular ex that I remained friends with for many years (he was my first BF and I have now been gay for over 20 years!) but there was one point where for some reason he started making little digs at me all the time. I don't know why. I backed off for a few years. We met recently at the bday party of a mutual friend and he and his DW were absolutely lovely, we got on brilliantly. So, maybe if you distance yourself now you may be able to get along in a few years.

Good luck with ttc by the way.

Tryharder · 26/02/2012 00:38

I wouldn't get involved. Don't respond to his rants other than with a chatty "hi, hope you and girlfriend well" message. You have a nice fiance and are TTC. You really do not need the hassle of being "best friends" with your XH. It rarely works IME.

Cherriesarelovely · 26/02/2012 00:48

Agreed Tryharder think more friendly than best friends.

AgentZigzag · 26/02/2012 01:14

'and while I'm here, I do so loathe the trotted out, therapised 'if you don't want to be friends with someone you don't have to' stuff. it PISSES. ME. OFF'

In what way does it piss you off springy?

Some people, like the OP, stay in friendships with people who are making them unhappy, why would pointing out they're not obliged to stay being friends with them piss you off?

I thought it was a pretty basic and obvious thing to say, which is why I said it, rather than just 'trotted' it out.

The OPs said she feels she owes this man something and feels somehow responsible for his happiness.

No she's not. She doesn't owe him a fucking thing.

springydaffs · 26/02/2012 01:46

Because relationships are complex imo agent, not cut and dried. Yes, some people take the piss wholesale and you work that out eventually and in the end there's no choice but to cut them off. The majority don't imo and are doing their best with a fair few blind spots (we all have them!) ie bog standard human beings, good bits and bad bits. This guy may be being a dick at the moment but it may be that it can be remedied, adjustments made, (or attempts at that) instead of getting the sumarai sword out and chopping them off because they don't come up to a mythical standard.

I loathe, LOATHE the therapised view of relationships that has bled practically unnoticed into our culture and relating and taken as gospel.

Maryz · 26/02/2012 01:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgentZigzag · 26/02/2012 02:03

I LOATHE it when posters try to devalue other posters views as 'therapised' or psychobabble/armchair psychology.

This bloke's making the OP feel she owes him, and after telling him to back off he's completely ignored what she wants and is carrying on using her as a shoulder to cry on.

Why should she try to appease him by carrying on the softly softly approach? He's not listening.

springydaffs · 26/02/2012 02:13

I don't think so agent ie 'this bloke is making OP think she owes him' - she said that ie he had been there for her when she went through a rough time and she wants to reciprocate (it's called friendship!). She also says she cares for him a lot. He is being very short-sighted at the moment and, unless he gets his act together on that one, she's going to have to back off. But not before going through a series of 'exercises' (poor word - late!) to try to salvage the relationship/get it on a healthier footing. If that fails, sumarai sword time.

I'm not trying to devalue you agent! I don't agree with you or where you're coming from on this is all. and yes I do LOATHE the chip/chop view of relationships, initiated by popular therapy, flooding into our culture and our ways of relating.

AgentZigzag · 26/02/2012 02:21

The OP saying 'he was with me through a tough period of my life and i guess i owe him something back' made me thinks she feels she owes him springy.

She also says she needs to cut contact with him, has never loved him, and she wants him to give the pressure he's putting her under to his current girlfriend.

That doesn't speak of a friendship in need of saving to me.

LeBOF · 26/02/2012 02:26

Why do you even give a shit? You've moved on; you don't need this.

Original poster

lindalooloo · 26/02/2012 09:32

Well I sent the email last night . Was very open with him and said I felt that it would be better for him ( thought he might listen if it's all about him ) if we don't contact each other and wished him all the best for the future.
Blocked him on fb and twitter . Also email but don't know how to do it on my phone and have since had five texts and a threat of coming round my house . So have arranged to meet him for coffee

OP posts:

MsWeatherwax · 26/02/2012 10:06

You don't have to meet him for coffee :( I would recommend not going on your own/cancelling it - he sounds like he has got a bit intense and stalkery. He obviously doesn't care about your feelings when you have told him you don't want contact any more and he's kept texting etc. If you speak to your phone provider they can help you block numbers. I have had this with people before and the only thing that works is completely cutting them off and no longer responding at all.

Mia4 · 26/02/2012 10:54

You're welcome lindalooloo, just remember that even if you do want to be there for him we all have to also be there for ourselves. If this friendship is detrimental to you then sometimes you have to be 'selfish' (i hate using the word because it's not selfish to put yourself first for your own sake) and do what makes you happier. And it sounds like this is stressful and straining for you.

MsWeatherwax is right, you don't have to meet him and if you are going out of reluctant obligation then I'd suggest being straight in your mind that you want this to end. Everyone has had 'toxic friends' they may not mean to be, some may of course, but they are bad for us nethertheless (and i'm sure some of us may have even been that friend upon a time) and a parting of ways needs to happen.

He does sound very intense and if you go be aware that he is being too intense and controlling-trying to suck you back in. If he wanted to genuinely apologise and try for an equal friendship he would have said that by now and certainly wouldn't push himself on you with threats of coming around. If you do go, be firm. Stay a limited time, listen to him and be honest over how you feel. Please don't let him manipulate you into staying 'friends' if it's still going to be unequal and unfair. I'm hoping he will have had an epiphany and be looking to change but the realist in me knows that's more the exception then the norm and not very likely.

springydaffs · 26/02/2012 11:07

No, you don't have to meet him for coffee, but brutally cutting him off is not the answer either imo. If you truly don't want him in your life any more then come to terms with that, bearing in mind that it was you (both) who set up the dynamic that you would be there for him and look after him when he was going through a rough time - take responsibility for your side of the bargain, even if it'[s in your own head/heart.

The goalposts have changed now, however: you don't want him exclusively coming to you when he's in trouble (even though that was how you set up your relationship, remember). Your threats may have got him to buck up and listen - give him the chance to say his piece, even if he has ridden roughshod over your attempts to chop him off - I don't blame him for howling at the brutality of it tbh. Relationships/people are living, breathing things, not concepts.

If he still drones on about himself and doesn't listen to you or support you - ie a user - then yes, do cut him off. But do have some humility about it, recognising that you set up this dynamic between you which he has been utilising. Tbh it sounds like you do (have humility about it) and have been finding it hard to set and enforce boundaries. Do you want him in your life at all?

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