To think DP should not insult me infront of dd?

[Clandy]

This morning I asked DP if he would move his car so I could get mine off the drive without having to use nextdoors drive to manover around his. He told our 2 year old dd that he had to go out as "mummy is a useless idiot". As I was in a rush I just left it but after dd went to bed I asked him bot to insult me infront of our daughter as I dont think it is appropriate that she hears this as she will think it is acceptable to 1. Put me down like this 2. That it is ok to speak to others like this, which I don't think it is! DP very kindly told me to stop crying about it (which I wasn't!) and if I didn't like it to stop being such a useless idiot then he would stop having to say it!!! Furious isn't the word!!!

OMG how horrible! You are not a useless idiot, nobody should ever have the right to talk to you like that. Especially in front of your child. Is this typical behaviour for him or unexpected?

Thanks comedy! Well I would love say it's a one off but he is often quite extreme like this, I know he doesn't mean it like it sounds I just don't think he should say things like that in front of dd as she doesnt understand he doesn't mean it and I make sure I don't say anything bad about him to her no matter what I'm thinking as it's inappropriate

You were very restrained not to tear his fucking face off pick him up on it at the time

He's being totally unreasonable saying such a thing with or without your DD being there, the only way I'd take that is if they were just joshing and said it with a twinkle in their eye, which I presume he didn't.

Does he say this kind of crap often? Is that a normal reaction to you saying how you feel about such obvious twattery?

How are you both with each other now?

x-posts, so could he have just been messing then? I think it's OK to introduce children to saying something 'not nice' about someone else in a teasing way so long as there are plenty of non-verbal signs that that's what's happening, like a wink and a smile etc.

So long as there's nothing passive aggressive behind the comment and you're both in on the 'joke' it would be alright I think.

Sorry x-post agent zigzag. He is currently watching a film in a sulk downstairs cos I told him he wasn't in with a chance of at action in the bedroom after his kind words

God almighty, what a cunt!

It wasn't a joke just his way of dealing with being annoyed that I asked him to move the car!

If my DP spoke to me like that, he would be an ex very fast

He has no right to speak like that to you, with DD there or not.

He's going to have to find a different way of 'dealing' with his annoyance then!

It's not alright for him to make you feel like shite.

He shouldn't speak to you like that full stop let alone in front of your child.

Disgusting behaviour.

What else does he say to you or about you?

He's a total twat. Sorry OP.

In general he is the most loving and lovely man in the world. I know to take what he says with a pinch of salt and I'm not upset as I know he does not think I am useless or an idiot at all he can just be very immature about things. But the world can be a nasty place without dd having to experience it in her own home!

Thank you to everyone for your posts

I'm from a family where leg pulling is pretty run of the mill (I don't mean in a cringy way, but just gentle teasing), but DH isn't and he just didn't get it at first and couldn't read the signs, taking whatever I said literally.

I think the idiot bit is unreaonable, if I was messing with DH I would have said 'because mummy's so rubbish at parking ' but if you know he doesn't think that about you and there's no malice behind it you might be being a bit hard on him.

We are the same in that we do take the p**s out of each other most of the time! This was different though in that he was annoyed and that is why he said it. Also I didn't argue with him or 'have a go' I simply asked him not to do it and he reacted like a silly little boy I am probably being overly sensitive as well though

It's not loving to call you a useless idiot in front of your child, OP. My Father used to speak to and about my mother with a lack of respect and my brother and I really picked up on it.

What other ways can he be 'very immature about things'?

That was my point sanuk, I don't want her to pick up on that lack of respect and think she can speak to me like that (or anyone else) dp speaks to his mum in a similar matter at times as does his dad so I see where he has got it from and won't have it passed on to my dd.

Well, you're certainly not being oversensitive...if that helps.
He was very rude and disrespectful to you in front of your daughter.
It's not on.

Lovely guys don't do that.

He's not a lovely guy, please stop kidding yourself, it will get worse

Anyone who can insult you so scathingly, and then behave as though YOU have done something wrong, when you stand up for yourself and take them to task, is an arsehole.
It's fairly simple.

I decided it was best rather than to vent on here (although it makes me feel better ) I would bring it up with him now he has had some time to stop being a grumpy little f**ker. He said sorry.

I get why you are pissed, that sort of banter is fine (if that's the relationship you have where you tease each other) in private but in front of kids or even mates it becomes more uncomfortable and damaging. Either do turnabout and make him uncomfortable (which may be your best bet because he was rude later) or sit down with your child in front of your partner and explain in loud voice how inappropriate it is for you to be rude and insulting towards anyone-especially friends and family,

Him saying sorry is a good start he has to find a way of expressing his frustration in another way though, especially if he's an all round nice person normally.

Tell him you'll give him a hard nipple tweak (away from your DD of course) as a negative conditioning strategy next time he does it

Unless you think he'd enjoy that and it'd be counterproductive

bigbuttons Sat 25-Feb-12 22:35:11
He's not a lovely guy, please stop kidding yourself, it will get worsesad

Er what? Are you for real?
You know what. He shouldn't do that. Its not acceptable behaviour, but to project your own experience based solely on what has been posted here and say he not a nice guy and it will get worse is just nuts.

It is possible to sit down as adults and communicate and say 'hey this isn't on, this is upsetting me". To presume that no one is capable of admitting to mistakes and making an effort just pisses me off.

Yes there are people like that. But thats really where it shows the character of a person - to be able to admit and accept there might someway in which they can improve their behaviour.

No one is perfect. The difference between a nice guy and a shitty guy is the ability to realise that they have been a twat and want to be a better person and not just keep doing it or pay lipservice.

You need to have a mature sit down chat when you are both calm about this. You need to work out exactly what it is that is the problem, potentially writing down it down first so you can make sure you take the emotion out of what you are saying and can be clear about each point.

If its a learned thing he has got from his own parents, it does make it more difficult, but you might also have a potential ally, who can help you with this.

Why does everyone bypass the communication stage and just go straight to the "leave the bastard" stage?

I do despair at MN sometimes.

Unfortunately I am banned from nipple tweaking and it results in a belly button poke!! But I think I have made my point clear in a very mature and productive way, next time he won't be so lucky

Thanks again for the comments