To think DP should not insult me infront of dd?

[Clandy]

This morning I asked DP if he would move his car so I could get mine off the drive without having to use nextdoors drive to manover around his. He told our 2 year old dd that he had to go out as "mummy is a useless idiot". As I was in a rush I just left it but after dd went to bed I asked him bot to insult me infront of our daughter as I dont think it is appropriate that she hears this as she will think it is acceptable to 1. Put me down like this 2. That it is ok to speak to others like this, which I don't think it is! DP very kindly told me to stop crying about it (which I wasn't!) and if I didn't like it to stop being such a useless idiot then he would stop having to say it!!! Furious isn't the word!!!

Brilliant post cherry, totally agree.

I'm used to stubbon argumentative wankers blokes, so it never ceases to amaze me when DH says sorry for something and then does things differently without me even saying anything!

Not in a subserviant way (perish the thought ) but just because he'll accept if he's wrong, which makes me do the same.

It's so much easier.

X-post cherry. I agree that he is not a bad person it's just his experience and to be fair He didn't even remember saying it which makes me think it is a learned behavior and not something he sees as being 'wrong' because his dad did it and got away with it so obviously it is acceptable in his mind. Although he took it badly to begin with I think it just caught him guard.

I have let him know what I think and if he does it again then I'll probably be more annoyed about it.

It is nice though on mn to have a wide range of opinions to see all sides and possible points of view

Awww at the nipple tweak ban

How controlling is that??!

Head lock followed by chineese burn it is then

You were right to pick him up on this.

You will keep having to do it until he realised that

a) it's not on
b) dd doesn't ever pick up on the fact that women are there to be verbally abused.

Lots of work for you.

I know it's harsh.... Especially as I cant resist pulling on those useless little things

Love the Chinese burn idea havent given one of those in YEARS...

Giveitago - if it wasn't for him saying it in front of dd I wouldn't have been bothered as I don't take things to heart but god forbid if a man ever spoke to her like that!!! I am expecting after our chat that it won't happen again so am glad it didn't turn into an argument in front of her but if he does it again I will pull him up on it infront of her so she sees that he doesn't get away with it... Or have some good comebacks planned for such an event to pass on to her!

I have to say, sometimes it can take a couple of attempts, for my DH to get certain things if he upsets me, but its the effort and the genuine attempt to try that are the important part in the middle. And it does go both ways. I can be similar.

I think the thing is only the OP really knows her DP and only she can draw that line in the sand where enough is enough. I'm seeing more venting, rather a rather than a bigger longer term deeper problem in this thread. There's nothing to suggest that at least, so I don't think we should jump to conclusions that there is. Plus the sense of humour and upbeat nature of her posts is a massive clue to the point her relationship really is at.

Clandy's not making excuses for her partner and from what shes's said, not willing to getting to become a doormat. As long as she sticks to that she'll be fine, I'm sure. Thats the big thing though - sticking to it.

Relationship are not always easy and they do need to be worked at. Within boundaries of course... but to assume this guy is a bad guy flat out? Na, just sounds like a guy who hasn't been taught different or not been properly challenged on this before.

Communication just seems to be really underrated and undervalued by a lot of posters though.

my husband will often talk to me in a nasty or aggresive manner, he also will talk to his mum this way too , i have tried asking him not to do this , which does no good , its just in his make up to be an arrogant bully , you cant change people , and it does hurt , in my case though it has made my dc see how unpleasant it is to be like this and they have loads of repect for me and others and would never talk to anyone in this horrid way , i think its when people arent intelligent enough to communicate properly they use anger and aggression to make their point

I don't think it's necessarily a lack of intelligence early80sgirl, I've responded to people with anger and agression in the past, but it was because I didn't know how to express it any other way. And tbh, it was mostly anger and frustration at myself.

But how to trigger a response in a person so they want to act differently is the difficult bit. I'm sorry you have to put up with it, I know it really hurts and is leaves an awful atmosphere to live in afterwards.

Thanks cherry that was a really lovely post

I have absolute faith in him that he will at least try not to be like that again in front of dd. People will disagree and argue and we are no different and I am far from perfect it is the effort that counts and I know he tries his best!

it's not acceptable at all - something more loving and humerous would have been but not that.

No it's not acceptable sky and I have made this explicitly clear to dp. As long as he takes this on board though and doesn't do it again it can be written off as human error which everyone is guilty of

Thanks Clandy. :)

I suspect this is going to take a bit of work, and might take a while to fully resolve. This thread is here as a record of where you are now. If it ends up being a reoccurring problem, come back and read your posts about how much you were prepared to take this. If you see your attitude changing or you see yourself starting to make excuses for him, then the problem is bigger and yeah you do need to start thinking if this is more of an issue. Give him a good and fair chance, but don't let yourself be a doormat either.